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Cold hearted.

by dogsrule5


The days go by,

Long and cold.

Everyone is buying their precious gold.

The lightning flashes, and the thunder booms,

The people are sitting looking gloom..

The days go by, with cold hearted people,

I am at church looking at the steeple,

Wondering why, the world is so cruel,

Everyone is running around, acting like crazy mules.

No one is being a friend to me.

No one even has time to see.

That the world can be a bad place to live.

Most everyone is bad, and has a cold heart,

But there will always be someone who needs a new start.

Don't be the one to have a cold heart,

Because you don't have to be mean,

Because if you are, you will never be seen.

Just live life, as a friend,

Not the enemy, with the cold heart.


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216 Reviews

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Sun Feb 14, 2016 10:34 am
DivergentDemigod wrote a review...



Hey dogs,
"Everyone is buying their precious gold."- beautiful line!!! I like the way you start your poem. The theme behind this piece of your work is wonderful. Personally I'm a little amazed by the way you can put so much meaning behind simple words. I love the way your poem flows and the end is really amazing.
"That the world can be a bad place to live."
I guess "the world is a bad place to love" would have flown better( just saying!)
Anyway_Great poem. Amazing start. Beautiful ending. Everything about it is good.
Cold hearted-smart choice of words( for a tittle) ;)
Never quit writing :)
Fangirl~




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks, glad you liked it! You're a really great writer too, and I hope you never quit writing as well.



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:33 pm
Cithara wrote a review...



Thewriter13 here for a review on this fine a review day! What a lovely poem and I really robot your word choice! I think my favorite lines are:

Just live life, as a friend,
Not the enemy, with the cold heart.

The ending left me on a serious note, causing me to realize what is most important in this world :)
You have a lot of things you need to fix however.
First off there are a lot of misused/missing commas.
For example:

"The days go by, with cold hearted people," there doesn't need to be a comma between by and with. Perhaps taking it out will cause the poem to flow smoother.
Another line:
I am at church looking at the steeple," there needs to be a comma between church and looking, otherwise it feels crammed together.
There is a bit of a cliche here as well:

"The lightning flashes, and the thunder booms," we all know thunder and lightning does this, so perhaps use new and more original words to create uniqueness to this piece. Also this entire topic really has been overused. I've seen this idea in another poem about the fault of the world and the problems we are facing. Nonetheless it is a good poem, but there really is nothing new here
Though I said I liked your word choice I think it can be improved. Words like "bad" "enemy" "good" etc could be replaced with more Powerful word to add more emotion and meaning to the poem.
Overall I give this piece and 7.5/10
Work on adding more of You to the Poem!
Keep writing!
RUDIGO SOL




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks so much! I am glad you really enjoyed my poem!



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:00 pm
racket wrote a review...



Hello there, dogsrule5! Racket, here to review this wonderful piece of literature! First off, I would like to tell you I enjoyed reading your poem, and I don't want to come off as mean or insensitive when I tell you all the little nitpicks I found here.
Firstly, in a poem, you don't have to rhyme. Since that seems to be a major part of this particular poem, you at least need to have a rhyme scheme. If you were to have stanzas, they may make it easier to have a particular rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme I suggest you use is an ABA pattern, where there are three lines in a stanza and the first and third lines rhyme. There is not a clear rhyme pattern here, and I think I know why. I used to do this to. It is where you try anything and stretch the original meaning of your poem in order to rhyme. That's a 'no-no'. ;) As I said, stanzas would help. If you were to put a period where the space between stanzas go and color it white, you would have and ordinary stanza-ed poem.
Secondly, in your fifth line, there are two periods at the end. This is where editing comes ins handy. Also, 'gloom' is not an adjective used to described people. 'Gloomy' might work better there, and a rhyme scheme would help it be easier to use as a word without breaking your pattern.
Thirdly, you use 'cold heart' as an ending to a line three times at the end of this poem so they rhyme together. You can't really do that. It is not rhyming if your attempting to rhyme with the exact same phrase you used before, yes? I suggest you fix that, but not the last line because it clearly states the meaning of this poem, as well as the name. So the other two should be turned into something else, yes?
You throw in some random lines just to make the other lines rhyme. Don't worry, this is fairly common and I used to make the same mistake. Lines such as:

"Everyone is buying their precious gold."
"The people are sitting looking gloom.." (Which also needs a comma between 'sitting' and 'looking')
"I am at church looking at the steeple"
"Everyone is running around, acting like crazy mules."
And other lines are random, such as these. This gives off the vibe "I'm trying too hard."
These are just a few things that I thought needed immediate attention (well, not immediate...). I really enjoyed reading and reviewing your work! I can't wait to read more!!
~Racket




dogsrule5 says...


Yeah, I know, but I wanted to make it rhyme, but I am not that good at rhymes.



racket says...


Ok, that's why we work hard to surpass our limits! Try and make yourself 'good' at it! Practice makes perfect.



dogsrule5 says...


I know, but I don't write poems very often, and I also don't write/say rhymes, so I don't really practice often..



racket says...


Oh. :) It's ok, I'm not trying to criticize you, just trying to help.



dogsrule5 says...


I know! I mean if you were trying to criticize me, I think you would have said a lot meaner and worse things than practice rhyming! XD! :P



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 3:09 am
Willard wrote a review...



Hey, yo, dogsrule5! Strange here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you!
Okay, this poem, was interesting. Uh, it was, I don't know how to describe it. You'll understand later in the review, but let me get onto the good stuff, shall we? I liked how this isn't too formal, and you kept it dark and mysterious. There are two types of poems that work well. Dark, or yippy! This is sure dark. I felt as the narrator is wearing a long black cloak, staring at random people as they walk around, screaming death threats. The last part isn't good, but it kind of helps.

The people are sitting looking gloom..

Remove that second period.
"I am at church(,) looking at the steeple,"
Add that comma, otherwise it seems rushed and out of place.
Wondering why, the world is so cruel,

This is an awkward sentence. Add a question mark or something. Now, this narrator is a hypocrite. He's the cruel one, mocking other people, talking crap, and he's the bad guy. This narrator is unlikable, and that's never a good thing. It doesn't help, as this is distasteful and not really interesting. Just, you have a bad narrator, really. I don't know how you can improve on this though.
Overall, okay.
Strange gives you...
5.6/10
Okay job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.

#TheFaultInOurReviews




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:26 am
Rurouni wrote a review...



Hello! Rurouni here to review from Rugido Sol!


Alright, this is nice!

I like it, and some people do have cold hearts... But anyways!

I have some nitpicks!

Your intro...

The days go by,

Long and cold.


Doesn't exactly capture my attention. It also seems choppy. Perhaps combine the lines or change them.

Also.

No one even has time to see.

That the world can be a bad place to live.


This just seems very choppy, combine the lines maybe?

You can have longer lines, poetry isn't all about short, choppy lines. You seem to have a rhyme scheme, and you may have noticed it or not! (Don't worry, everyone does that). If you want to continue the rhyme, make sure every line rhymes!

Overall: A bit choppy. I'd suggest combining lines, etc. A good idea, awesome! And its pretty easy to read. Those intro lines could be a better hook, to lure us in, but it was a nice poem!

Well, I must wander off!


Always,

~Shad

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Sat Jun 28, 2014 5:49 pm
ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



Hello, Chips here to review.

I liked how simple this was to understand, it had a nice and positive message at the end which was refreshing to see so well done on that. The rhyme scheme didn't always seem to work at time though, I think you could have done without it, but when it did work it was good.


"The days go by,

Long and cold."

Here, I didn't find this beginning particularly to capture the attention of the reader. Perhaps it was the basic descriptions of, "long and cold", I felt like you could have used much better and powerful adjectives and vocabulary to describe the days, long and cold are basically your average day, what made these days stand out like no ordinary days?

"Everyone is buying their precious gold."

I found this line to be a bit unrelated, but interpret it as everyone going on with their lives with no cares around them.

"The lightning flashes, and the thunder booms,

The people are sitting looking gloom.."

Here, I didn't see the need for the comma after "booms" and the ellipses after, "gloom". "Looking gloom" didn't make sense as gloom is more of a dark or melancholy atmosphere, not really referenced to an emotion. The rhyme scheme here was a bit flawed.

"I am at church looking at the steeple,

Wondering why, the world is so cruel,"

This was a sudden change of location which was a bit confusing, perhaps try switching it more smoothly with the poem. It was also a bit too direct so maybe add more poetic language. I didn't see the need for the end comma here either, it creates unnecessary pauses.


Overall nice piece, it has potential, I hope this review didn't come off as harsh, it had the best intentions to help you. Keep Writing!

--Chips




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks and you didn't sound harsh.




how can i live laugh love in these conditions
— Orion42