When my first heartbreak came
Is when I discovered
that love can be war
and also betrayal.
***
He thought she was pretty,
The popular girl in town.
She didn't think about him and I,
so he let me down.
***
Blonde hair, blue eyes,
A pretty face to mask her vain evils inside.
She hated everyone, but him.
The way she glared at me, told me love is war.
***
If you haven't discovered that love is war,
you will soon be fighting in it.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Wow. Firstly, the title is what grabbed my attention. Love truly is war, isn't it? xD
Okay, onto my review....
So, I rather enjoyed this poem. It emphasizes your metaphor, that love is a war. And this, I loved about it. I normally don't like the cliché falling for the vain and popular girl, and then even the blonde hair and blue eyes... But in your poem, it worked rather well. And then the ending... I absolutely love the last two lines. ^~^
For the sake of making my review "helpful", I will leave a suggestion as well. I didn't really find anything worth nit-picking, but I suppose the first stanza was a bit awkwardly paced. Now, this isn't an issue at all, but the first line may sound better if re-worded to match the pace of the next three lines.
Other than that minor suggestion, you have an awesome poem here! Great job, and I hope to read more of your work soon! ^-^
Thanks, glad you liked it!
Thank you.
Hey, here for a review!
Okay, this poem is really good, and I really enjoy the idea you brought up here, but in my opinion it leaves the reader guessing, a lot. Which, may not be a bad thing, but honestly, I think it would make a better short story or novel then poem. Though, you could still use the poem in your story so that you don't lose the ideas and the creativity and work you put into this.
"When my first heartbreak came
Is when I discovered
that love can be war
and also betrayal."
'Is' should be 'Was', but other then that, that was a great opening line, and it would be awesome as a first line to a short story, since it really captures the reader and makes them wonder what exactly it would be about.
None the less, this was a great poem. Keep up the good work
Hello, Willow here to give you another review!
I'm going to point out little things first.
1) Change the "is" to "was".
2) The last line might sound better if you word it like: "and betrayal" or "but also betrayal". It's not needed, though. Just a suggestion.
Pretty sure the "I" is supposed to be "me".
The comma isn't needed.
Okay, I love this concept! The whole "love is war" thing is ingenious. Whenever I see a poem with such a great idea, I immediatly get jealous because I'm just stuck over here writing about myself and nature.
I absolutely LOVE the last two lines. Why?
1) They pretty much sum this whole poem up, and
2) You say that we may be fighting in it. I love it!
I have one last thing, which is positive as well. The whole poem just really makes me think [i], which is pretty much a big thing you want readers of a poem to do. [i] Think.
A good poem makes you think about the words an lines, which is exactly what this poem does.
Great job, dogs, keep writing!
WillowPaw1~
Ooh. Interesting poem. Where to start?
The premise seems a bit cliche, the speaker's love interest falling for the vanity-driven popular girl. However, your metaphor for it, with love being war, was beautiful, and renewed the poem's freshness.
Sometimes the words seemed a bit clunky, like here:
I had to sit there for a minute questioning the wording. It does work, but it gave me pause, because it's not what one might normally hear. Then again, this is poetry, so that comment may be entirely invalid.
Also, I'm not sure whether or not you have a rhyme scheme. I saw "town" and "down" in the second stanza, and maybe "eyes" and "inside" in the third, but there doesn't seem to be anything set. Is this free verse? If not, I suggest rewording it so that there's a consistent rhyme scheme.
I really loved this line here:
It's a great close to your poem and speaks the definite truth.
Overall, good work, although it could use some revising.
Thanks me and Em101cats wrote this together. So we didn't rhyme words and we weren't trying to. I might get togerther with her again and see what we can do. If not we will fix it another time. Thanks for all.
Okay, thanks for letting me know. I can never tell.
Your welcome. Em101cats comes over a lot actually! We are really close neighbors!!!