You have a pretty face,
but you never have loved.
You have a descent pace,
but not a place to love.
**
I felt alone when you weren't there.
I never thought about how you never cared.
Even though you were never there,
I will still have a place in my heart for you
**
You may not love me,
but I love you dearly.
I may not have that much feelings for you,
but I will always be there right when you need me.
*
Even with someone who has a pretty face,
but an ugly heart.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on how there is an internal rhyme making the poem have a beat and how the tone of the voice, is sorrow also how many people could relate since we all have been through a time where we want to tell the person we love them , but then the person that you may like is with this other person (usually more uglier than you) and you sit there crying.
When i read a poem, i look out for nitpicks in poems since most poems do have them. But from what i read from the reviews below this one, i would think that you have corrected them by now. Also how this poem reminds me of my brother since one time, he had this major crush on this girl in high school. He would look at her while she was looking at the teacher; he had always wanted to say that her had loved her but the chance was always gone since every time he would feel like he could go towards her, she would have a boy next to her giggling to herself with this guy.
After a few months of giving up and trying to talk to this girl, he sat long-faced and lonely. Until the girl, the girl of his dreams comes up with his notebook and hands it to him. And every since then they have been dating.
Sorry for the ramble. That is just my way of saying i love this poem so much.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Thanks, your so nice and I love reading your reviews! *Follows*
Hi!!
I thought this was a great poem! It was very well written and I enjoyed reading it.
By the looks of it, it seems that this was your first poem. I think that this was really good. I enjoyed this poem. It had such a good rhythm and it rhymed most of the time. I do have a couple nitpicks that I want to point out:
"You have a descent pace,"
In this line I saw a two mistakes.
(1) The "descent" is supposed to be spelled "decent".
(2) The "pace" may be spelled "place" if that was what you were going for.
"I will still have a place in my heart for you"
In this line you just left put a period.
There are a few others that were tiny mistakes. This poem is basically saying that looks can deceive you. It's saying that looks don't matter, but it's what's on the inside that counts. I like this poem and I can't wait to read another one!
Keep on writing!
Love,
**Jojoann1**
Thank you
Hey Jojo! What's up. I know you might not get on this site anymore, but I wish we could skype, or chat sometime. I miss you so so much!
bye! <3
Hello, dogsrule5!
While this is technically grammatically correct, it sounds awkward. Switch "never" and "have" to cut down on the awkward in this line.I see that this is your first poem! I'm impressed that you had the courage to post your very first poem on YWS (if I posted my very first poem, I'd be embarrassed for weeks)! It's quite good for a first attempt at poetry.
First, I'm going to talk to you about formatting. Poems should be single spaced. On YWS, while you're in the edit part of posting your work, you have to hold shift when you press enter in order for the lines to single space. If you want a stanza break, simply press enter without holding shift, and viola! There's no need for the awkward asterisks!
Nitpicks:
I think you meant "decent" and "place." "Descent" means to go down something, as in "he reached the top of the stairs, and made his descent, finding himself in the basement." The second, I'm pretty sure, is a typo, as you talk about a place in the next line.
While rhyming is okay in a free verse, this rhyme makes me expect there to be more rhymes later, which there aren't. I suggest you change this to reflect the non-rhyming rest of the poem.
"Much" should be "many". Also, this line contradicts the rest of the poem in its entirety. You say the whole poem that you have feelings for this other person, but now you're saying you don't have many feelings? After you've confessed your love many times in one poem?
"with" should be "for" in this context. Also, while you come back around to the titular idea, the titular idea isn't really the main focus of the poem. And generally, it should be if it makes it to the title. Try this: Instead of focusing on the narrator's feelings for the other person, focus on the other person. The poem is bogged down in "I"'s. Make it about the other person as much as you can. If they have "a pretty face but an ugly heart," show it. Don't tell us. Show us.
Showing and not telling usually involves imagery, of which you have exactly none. Add images, descriptions, similes, metaphors, anything. Feel free to make this longer to add imagery, and don't be afraid to break away from the four-line-a-stanza thing. Four lines to a stanza is not a rule of poetry; in fact, there are basically no rules of poetry except that it shows us a story rather than tells us a story. Here, you're telling through the whole thing. Show us why the narrator loves this other person, or why the other person has a pretty face and an ugly heart, or show us your pet dog. Show us anything.
Altogether, make sure you're spelling things correctly, watch out for typos, and show, don't tell. I hope this review proves useful to you! Keep writing!
Hi there!
Okay, first off -- you might wanna change the genre of this. Right now its Dramatic & Other. I suggest changing the other to realistic.
Second -- nitpicks.
1) Descent should be decent.
2) Pace doesn't make any sense. Not to be offensive, though. Pace, as in, what? Running? Growing? If you're ganna say it, be specific. Don't just put in a word that ryhmes with face.
Period after you.
Puppys already mentioned this -- but if they/you love them, why wouldn't they have feelings for them?
Also: much should be many.
1) There should be two asterisks, not one. The others have two, so this one needs two.
2) The transition from the previous stanza to this one is like, well, continuous. Each stanza should be a different thought, and different idea. The last "stanza" is just a continuation of the one before it.
Okay -- this is a pretty good poem for being your first poem.
A couple edits and revising will make the grammar and spelling perfect, but there is one thing I don't like much.
What is that? The over use of this topic. Sure, it's a good one, but lots of people have written about this.
Besides that, though, this is a pretty good poem.
Keep writing, dogs! Looking forward to more of your work!
WillowPaw1~
Thank you for your review. This is my first poem and its not that good. Yeah I didn't know what the other genona should be so I put other
That's okay! And for a first poem it is nice!
Thank you! That is very nice! It makes me feel good when I get a nice comment or review or just a nice chat form someone or form one of my friends
Haha, no problem. I know how you feel.
To tell you the truth I am not very good at poetry and I never had been. So that's why its kind of bad. Sorry.
I feel good about it though cause I mean its the best poem a girl could write. Especially since I really stink at poerty!!
Haha, it's okay. And don't say you're bad at it! Have confidence in yourself! Most importantly %u2014 write a lot . The more you write, the better you get.
thanks. I am gald to follow or I mean have a firend like you!!!
No problem
There are many other cool people out there too
Yeah I have really good friends that I know in real life on here. Those friends are Em101cats and puppys3117. They are close to me in person. You are a close friend online!!!
Oh, cool. I don't know anyone in real life xD
Yeah. Puppies and I are skyping right now and we do it every firday. em on the other had lives right upt he street from me and we play and hang like every day. They are really good friends.
I love this poem, and for some reason im very picky on that -_- MOVING ON! one thing stood out to me, and it made no sense:
it happens all the time to real life people.
You may not love me,
but I love you dearly.
I may not have that much feelings for you,
but I will always be there right when you need me.
If the person loves the other one dearly, then why would s/he not have that many feelings for the other? Another thing that caught my eye:
I felt alone when you weren't there.
I never thought about how you never cared.
Even though you were never there,
I will still have a place in my heart for you
There needs to be a period at the end of that stanza, and try mixing up words a bit. you repeated 'there' and 'never'. 'There' isn't that big of a deal to me, but you should try your best not to repeat words in the same line, unless there is nothing else to say. The last thing:
You have a pretty face,
but you never have loved.
You have a descent pace,
but not a place to love.
Again, try mixing up words. This time, you repeated 'love' just in different tenses.
Overall, I loved this poem
Continue your work, or I will CRY!!! XD
~puppys3117~
kk thx I will fix them later if I get the chance
kk