Summer (Mr. Sun)

Hello!

I really like this poem - it's nice and relaxing to read after a day doing schoolwork or some other hard thing. It's pretty - everyone can relate to this (I know I definitely can) because it is a sweet observation of what all children do. It is a very good reminder for me of when I was younger.

The last line is my favourite of all. I don't know why, but it reminds me of a book that I have in my house called "Mister God, this is Anna". Maybe because the sun is sometimes seen as a representation of God . . . but that's just how I read this line.

I also thought I'd quickly mention this one line, which I thought could maybe be tweaked a little bit:

"Until their parents say 'they're done'"

I think it's a nice line, but I think you could just try taking out one syllable, like changing the 'Until' to just 'till'. However, just remember, it's your poem, and that whatever you want to do is what you should do. This is just a suggestion.

Well done! I really enjoyed it!

This was a very positive and happy poem! You did a very good job! I didn't see any grammatical errors, and it seemed to have a pretty good rhythm except for a few parts. You did really well! This poem is very positive and happy and is a perfect description of summer! I loved the poem and it made me very happy! Keep up the good work!

Oh, and something that I forgot to mention: it really seems like a nursery rhyme!

It's always good to read something on a lighter, more positive note. With that in mind, "Summer (Mr. Sun)" is an enjoyable piece.

It is easy to keep up with the positive message that it tries to send across, thanks to its simple, almost childish vocabulary and short, descriptive lines. Another element that encourages you to get in on the fun is the rhythm; I found it enjoyable, thanks to the short lines.

However, every now and then appears a line that does not fit with the length of the others, which (for me) breaks the flow of this piece. I'm referring here to "So they can go outside" (which could be changed to "They go outside"), "And play in the sun" (drop the "And"), "Then a game of tag" (change to "And games of tag"), "Then play capture the flag" ("To capture the flag" would be a better fit). Also, since I am on the subject of changing, I would also suggest saying something like "It's time to count the sheep / Until they fall asleep" - since you first count sheep, and only after you fall asleep.

After giving it another glance, I noticed there seems to be something wrong with this line: "But not they're done". Maybe you meant to say "But they're not done" ? Anyway...

I don't know how much effort you've put into this one and I hope you will take my criticism in the way that it was meant.

Have a great one!

Accidentally posted my review twice, oops.

I really liked this poem because this is what I did as a kid, with my 8 siblings. Only things I found a bit awkward was the period at the end of "To tie their shoes." I'm not entirely sure why you put it there. And the ending, it didn't really rhyme and I felt like it would've felt like a less abrupt ending. Other than that it was really well written and keep up the good work.