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Never Forget You

by dogsrule5


A/N- This poem is about a girl, who found true love. This is kind of and old timed theme where whites and blacks couldn't be together. (Not to be racists.) They could not share or do anything together. This is what this poem is about.  

She never found her dream job,

But she found true love.

she sent her man a message,

From her pet bird, a dove.

***

She knew he was an African American,

But she didn't care. 

Even through the rules did say,

Whites and blacks can't share love.

***

She didn't seem to notice,

What his skin tone was.

Because she knew what she found,

Was her real true love.

***

How his eyes sparkled day and night.

How he was tall and skinny with the nice dirty blonde hair.

She loved him, for him.

And he really cared. 

***

He was a kind man,

But the Dictator was not.

So the dictator got his guards,

To shoot this girls man, dead.

***

"No" she said as he left her side,

As she sat and started to cry.

"I love you my friend"

I will never, ever forget you.


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Tue Oct 20, 2015 8:55 pm
priceofwords wrote a review...



Hello, priceofwords here!

This was such a sweet poem! A very sad story, but with a lot of meaning behind it. The first stanza,

'She never found her dream job,

But she found true love.

she sent her man a message,

From her pet bird, a dove,'

was definitely my favourite, as I loved the mention of doves in there! I also love the rhyme scheme you incorporated, and I'm puzzled as to why you didn't keep it going as it would have given your poem great rhythm.

I would also suggest shortening the line,

'How he was tall and skinny with the nice dirty blonde hair,'

As it doesn't coincide with the average syllable count in the rest of the poem at all.

Apart from this, your poem was great and I look forward to reading more of your work!

Keep writing!
priceofwords ;)




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks, so much. Glad you liked it. Also thanks for the tips! :D



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Tue Oct 20, 2015 5:40 am
inkwell wrote a review...



Dictators are never kind are they? Neither are cops for that matter.

Did she really think that he was white? Is the supposed blond hair a product of her delusional state? How about you rewrite this form the viewpoint of the oppressed. How does it differ? And really think about that.

I appreciate the social justice topic, keep it up cause it matters.




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Tue Oct 20, 2015 5:37 am
inkwell says...



failed review RIP




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Mon Oct 19, 2015 11:30 pm
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey! Cello here!

This was a really sweet poem. I have a few suggestions though-

She never found her dream job,

But she found true love.

she sent her man a message,

From her pet bird, a dove.


'She's should be capitalized to fit the pattern. Additionally, this is the only stanza that rhymes. You can do that I guess but it throws the reader off. I would take out the rhyme or add rhyme to the other stanzas if I were you.

She knew he was an African American,

But she didn't care.

Even through the rules did say,

Whites and blacks can't share love.

Okay, you said this was historical. When segregation was still a thing, people didn't tend to refer to people of darker skin tone as 'African Americans' That's a more recent term. I get it if you're uncomfortable with the word 'black' (Though it's not offensive) but it would be more historically accurate to use that term.

He was a kind man,

But the Dictator was not.

So the dictator got his guards,

To shoot this girls man, dead.


More historic crap- American never had a dictator. (And you said African-american so I'm assuming this is in america) Okay, you're probably saying this metaphorically but I thought I'd point it out. (I'm all about accuracy. ;) )

"No" she said as he left her side,

As she sat and started to cry.

"I love you my friend"

I will never, ever forget you.

He just died! More emotion!
'No!' she sobbed'
'as she sat, face becoming wet with tears'
'You are in my heart my love and I will never forget you'
(Quick examples- don't feel the need to use them) More detail, more pain.

I really enjoyed this. It was a beautiful concept and very well written.

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks, glad you liked it! :D



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Mon Oct 19, 2015 8:22 pm
acm wrote a review...



Great poem! This is a very meaningful subject, and I could really understand the theme and message. It was very sad, especially at the end when she never got her true love back, and I feel like you got the feeling across very well. I just have a few things I was wondering:

1. The capitalization and end punctuation was a bit confusing for me. It wasn't really a big thing, but it's noticeable when you look.

She never found her dream job,
But she found true love.
she sent her man a message,
From her pet bird, a dove.

The word "she" wasn't capitalized while the rest of the lines were.
How his eyes sparkled day and night.
How he was tall and skinny with the nice dirty blonde hair.
She loved him, for him.
And he really cared.

This line had all periods at the end, whereas in all of the others, it followed a different pattern. Maybe change it for consistency.

2. This isn't really anything that's wrong or needs to be changed, but why was the man killed? I found myself wondering that.

Other than that, I thought this was perfect. I really liked this and can't wait to see more of your work!




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks, glad you liked it! Sorry, but I've always had trouble with punctuation. But it's all good. Thanks for reviewing!



acm says...


You're welcome! I loved it!



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Mon Oct 19, 2015 3:30 pm
allirogers wrote a review...



This was a beautiful poem written about a realistic and important issue. I love

She didn't seem to notice, what his skin tone was. Because she knew what she found, was her real true love.
it really had an impact on me because I've seen movies and TV shows about interracial couples who face difficulties because of their contrasting skin colors. I love the rhyme scheme in
She never found her dream job, but she found her true love. she sent her man a message, from her pet bird, a dove.




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks, Glad you liked it!



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Sun Oct 18, 2015 8:33 pm
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi, dogs! Here for a quick review - Winter pretty much hit home with everything I was going to say so I'm just going to go in a little farther and look at different aspects of it. :D

The meaning of this poem was deep and I loved how it revolved around the two different people in love. Such a beautiful topic! But a sad time as well.

There are a few nitpicky things here:

She never found her dream job,

But she found true love.

she sent her man a message,

From her pet bird, a dove


Only stanza in the poem with a rhyme scheme. This interupts the flow of the poem and can be very distracting, even if this rhyme was not on purpose I'd advise you to just change "love" or "dove" to something else.

But the Dictator was not.

So the dictator got his guards,


Sometimes you capitalized it and the other time you did not. Reason?

To shoot this girls man, dead.


It should be girl's, since it's showing possession.

"No" she said as he left her side,

As she sat and started to cry.

"I love you my friend"

I will never, ever forget you.


1) Comma after no and in between the last quotation mark.
2) As Winter said, friend just doesn't seem to be a strong enough word. Maybe just the man's name - or something a little more powerful than "friend". Friend just doesn't work, especially in this situation.Also, there needs to be a period after friend. :)
3) I think the last line should either be in italics or quotes. Italics, in my opinion, would seem to make it much more heart-wrenching and powerful.

So -- the second to last stanza really irked me. The dictator? Who's that? Why did the man get killed? From what I've learned, African Americans were only killed if they disrespected white people - or maybe someone of higher authority caught this white woman and African American kissing or something? It's just a bit too vague and I'm really curious about how he died. Expand on it a little more. :)

That's about all I have to say! Happy writing!

~ EternalRain




dogsrule5 says...


I don't know. Sorry about all the mistakes, but yeah. I'm glad you liked it.. For the most part anyway! xD!!! :D. Thanks for the review.



EternalRain says...


Oh, I did very much enjoy it!! Haha. :)



dogsrule5 says...


I'm glad you did. By the way, love your avatar! :DDDDDDDDDDDD



EternalRain says...


Haha, yes! Totoro <3



dogsrule5 says...


When I find my avatars, I will just look at random pictures of dogs (because I mean dogs rule. Dogs will and always shall be the best) and just find one that looks interesting, and make it my avatar. I'm obsessed with the one I have now. The dog with headphones, I think it's so cute.



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Sun Oct 18, 2015 7:29 pm
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Winter257 wrote a review...



Hey there, gonna review this for ya quick!

So, I absolutely love the message behind this poem. It shouldn't matter what skin color we have, we're all the same, and we should be able to love whoever, regardless of their race. It's a strong and powerful message, and the death of the girl's lover at the end, was quite sad.

Now, I do have a few suggestions for you, to hopefully help out.

1. In the first stanza, the second and fourth lines rhymed. This only bothers me because throughout the rest of the poem, there is no rhyme scheme. This messes with the flow, in my opinion. I would change these lines around, so as to not directly rhyme.

2. "How he was tall and skinny with the nice dirty blonde hair." Okay, I have three problems with this line.. It's longer than all the others, which makes it awkward to read in comparison to the rest of the poem, the "the" is completely unnecessary (How he was tall and skinny with nice dirty blonde hair-- see?), and lastly, I don't really think dirty blonde is a natural hair color for African Americans. Maybe I'm wrong, but... Dirty blonde is just a darker/'dirty' color of blonde. Seriously, correct me if I'm wrong, I just don't think that's correct.

3. "I love you my friend" -- This is what she's saying to her lover, as he's dying, yes? I don't think 'friend' sounds like something you'd call the person you consider your true love, especially in the instance it is used... I would work on finding a different word to call him, to show the readers how much she loves this man. 'Friend' just doesn't pack the punch, as it should.

That's all I have to suggest. Your poem has a truly great meaning behind it! I'll be sure to keep my eyes open for more of your work! :D




dogsrule5 says...


Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked the poem. Um... Yes, I just now realized about his hair color after you said it. I guess I wasn't really thinking straight. But yeah. I agree with that. Anyway talk to ya later!



Winter257 says...


No problem, you've got a knack for meaningful poetry. :D



dogsrule5 says...


Aww! Thanks. Also if you liked this poem, I suggest you read (optional you don't have to) and review (again, optional) some of my other poems.



Winter257 says...


I'd be more than happy to :D



dogsrule5 says...


So kind. If you want recommendations, I say Best Friends is one of the best, but feel free to check any of them out you want to. Or all of them for all I care.



Winter257 says...


I hope you don't mind, I'm pretty bored so I'm just going through them and reviewing x.x I seriously love your poems! Though because of this, I may spam your notifications with reviews >~>



dogsrule5 says...


Okay, thanks. I saw the spams, thanks a lot!!!! :D




People with writer's blocks should get together and build a castle.
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