Some things are worth fighting for,
and that is true.
It's true for me and true for you.
A little of nothing can turn into a lot,
and when you run from something you're gonna get caught.
I've tried before,
I've acted like it was pretend.
'till I had to realise it had come to an end.
Only so much trying can a person take,
only so many door slams into the face.
When a person you love doesn't want to try,
Sometimes all that's left to say is goodbye.
Hurts to say it, but its true.
True for me and true for you.
All births must live to die,
and all hellos must end with goodbye.
(This was just a random piece. Make of it what you will, it was written at the top of my head and completely un-planned. It could be a romantic piece...if you like. Or whatever way you want to look at it. I'm also aware that the title has no relation to the piece at all! There is an explanation! I was intended on writing a poem on a child describing magic, very colorful and vivid. I decided it should be more planned and that I wouldn't randomly write it from my head. Then I forgot to change the title as i wrote something else. Please review! And if you would like a review from me then PM me. I don't mind at all!)
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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hello there, I like how at the bottom you added that whole thing explaing the poem. Thank you for that, because for one it made me laugh, and it took away a few of my questions. So on that note, I liked this poem, and since you seem to understand what you did, and how you did it, I have nothing further to say =)
-From Panda
Suggestion: Why not also write a short story version of this poem. It seems it can create a very good short story (and tell me if you make one).
Reviews: Nice! It was unpredictable and you let the readers wear your shoes which should be the case to all poets. Write more.
Write us a story, or regale us with images, or explore and plumb the depths of emotions. That's what good poetry is about. Here, you have just taken a lot of cliches about saying the end of things and repeated them over and over.
Also, the third line is WAY too long for the format. It throws off all possible rhythm that may have existed and drags the line on and on.
And this line is nearly comical, with doors slamming INTO the face. Reword and rethink this.
So that's the overall impression:
Develop your ideas. Cast them in a light not many have seen. Make it yours and unique. Because right now, these words are easily mimicked by thousands of lonely, angsty teens on a lonely weekend night.
Hey Sakura!
This seemed to be less of a poem and more of a collection of proverbs or cliches. Not that proverbs or cliches are a bad thing (they aren't) but generally in poetry, we try to aim for a more original approach using conflict. You kind of have conflict here, since you're directing it to someone else... so expand that bit.
Best of luck!
Love it! This sounds like lyric poetry to me... And romantic as well. Love that last line... All births must live to die,
and all hellos must end with goodbye.
Keep on writing!
Hey Sakura,
This came across both a bit too informal and a bit too simple. Now, I'm not saying every poem has to be formal and complicated, but good poetry that is informal often includes more slang and works on a different level to this. By informal, I mean you use "till" and it sounds like you're reading it out loud.
The first two lines sound like you're writing a Dr. Seuss book, or penning a Sesame Street scene. Is this written for children or not? Because if it's not, drop the "It's true for me and true for you" because it's infantile and meaningless. Why, on the third line, do you not split to the next line after the comma? I would, because it would give the stanza more balance, more flow, and make a lot more sense.
I'm not quite sure why this is called Magic, and what it is really about. It seems like a collection of life advice I might teach a kid, like things are true for everybody, and everyone dies, everything ends. But as a poem? It doesn't really work. There's just nothing past the surface of the words. You've tried to dig to the centre of the world but you're just chiseling at the soil for a few minutes.
I really did not get why you called it magic(because I am not you). None of the stuff refers to magic, except how fast things can change( and that is not extraordinary).Besides that the poem was well written, though it had a vague point..life can change.
Hey there, Sakura!
There are things you need to pay attention to when writing rhyming poetry. Well, more like things you absolutely must cling to all the time when writing rhyming poetry. First one is to make sure everything you say will make sense even after you've used words that rhyme. With this, I mean that it's so easy to write something that rhymes, but it's not as easy to rhyme and still keep to the point and not go out of your way just because you have to find a word that rhymes with the previous line.
The second one is to try making the lines somewhat equal in length, so the rhyme will actually work. This is technique-wise more important than the first one, but overall and poetry-wise nowhere nearly as important. It's still something to reach for, though. Although not everyone probably thinks this, but personally I find it annoying when the first line is like five syllables and the second one is twenty-five, or something. Of course, also, the rhymes need to be proper rhymes.
I love these lines. However, there's a small rhythm problem that I discussed in that second point I made. Still, the images are great and this is my favourite part of the poem.
Hope I could help!
Demeter
x
Hi, Sakura. The other reviewers have been very helpful and complimentary, but I have to say, I couldn't really get into this poem at all. It leaves no impact on me. The rhyming is okay, but the rhythm just makes it so.... precious. It's a very cute, singsong rhythm, which may be what you are going for, but personally that sort of thing is a little too twee for me. Imagery is one of the integral foundations of poetry, and you have none here. There's no mental image conjured in my head by your words. Love is a wonderful thing and is often the inspiration for the greatest poems, but there are so many poems about love that you really need to work hard to make your stand out more. So my advice overall is, use far stronger words, perhaps some more figurative language, and create some vivid imagery in your poetry. Cheers.
I like this piece, it's really cute, short and sweet.
The one thing that I think you could fix is the length of the last line in the first stanza - it's a bit long, and sort of puts the reader off balance - where you have placed the comma, you could easily seperate the line into two so that there is more consitency.
The poem is almost musical in it's rythm, a fair piece, good job.
Thanks for posting & keep writing.
~Mo.
Hey SakuraFallsSweetly♥!
This was an interesting poem which I actually quite enjoyed (which is quite hard to achieve as I am a hard man to please). First things first: I didn't like the rhyming; I felt that it was irrelevant and was intruding on the general feel of the poem. You need to break this into stanzas better and some lines are a bit too long for my liking. I believe your poem should like a little something like this:
I know I didn't do much much a little can do a lot. Don't bother changing it because it is fine the way it is but please change the third line in the beginning-too long of a line for the poem. Try keep each line the same length. That gives the flow and rhyming better sense.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Hi Sakura:] My name's Ace.
I must say, your poem was a little vague. Don't get me wrong, I liked the flow and the rhythm of it, but I think you need to add a little more. Explain to readers what those "things" are. I understand that you wanted the readers to interpret the poem in their own way, and that's fine. Just lead them in the right direction so it's not all too confusing. Look at it this way, if the reader is a blindfolded person in the middle of a clearing, instead of spinning the reader around randomly and leaving them to choose a direction to walk, spin them randomly but stop when they're facing the right path. Yeah, maybe that was a bad way of explaining it.
The only other thing is this line:
True for me and true for you.
I think this line is a bit overused. At least, the "for me and for you" part is. And I don't think the repetition of this line is working.
Well other then that, I really liked the rhymes in your poem.
Anyway, if you want a review, PM me:]
-Ace
Hello SakuraFallsSweetly♥, my name is CaptianRandom.
I loved this poem, the rhymes were relevant to the poem (unlike mine when the rhyming can be off) and length was great and how you separate the text. I loved this poem, the truth behind it, the reality and the facts. Everyone needs to read this. I loved it great work and keep it up
-CaptianRandom
Hello there
This line for me was just so long, longer than the others and it did no good either.A paramore fan, yay!
Anyway, back to business. I will be honest, I thought this poem was not satisfying. It was kind of bland and without emotion and feeling and spunk...you get the idea. Though some parts were promising, sometimes it just turned into another cliche.
I liked the third stanza though, so all was not bad.
Hey, looks like I get the honors of first review.
So I would definitely say that I like it. It flows nicely in most places, and the meaning was at least clear to me...
This first stanza seems a bit awkward to me. The rhyming/flow seems almost forced. I do like the ideas you have in it though, just maybe switch things up a bit to make it flow more. I guess this section of the commentary would be the same for the second stanza as well.
I really liked the rest of it though, I have barely any issues with it, and if you changed those parts it might mess up the rest of it. So ignore me on that part.
These are probably my favorite 2 lines.
Hope this helped. I'm new to this, so I'm not sure if my reviews are any good yet...
-Isaac