Old School Love Poem

Speak back in haste, my love,
as impatiance runs through me more sinnfull than sinned.
It is crimson in my lips and in my cheeks, 
Dearer than eyesight, are your lips tender and sweet.

Longing arth am I,
to kiss thy lips,
Glittering, pink as a rose, but not sticked.

How soft arth thy hands?
Nails also pink, not painted, 
for the color of love cannot be faked,
Beauty is the sun that shines upon thy hair,


Oh, how can thy hurt a soul so harshly?
being a most gently floating feather in the summer sky,
I'd sooner to the coffin than not see thy faithful smile,
Hence, I shall sign off thou heartsick name,
in sighs my love, I hope to speak again.
Comments & reviews · 2
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Dreamergirl
Review

Heyy,

I really like you're writing style, it really helps portray the poem beautifully. :)
There are few grammatical mistakes, try correcting those. You should consider re-writing a few lines, just to improve the clarity of the poem.
I love the second last stanza, it's beautifully written. :)
It's a job well done.
Keep writing ~
- Dreamergirl

User avatar
jimdandy
Review

Wonderful, reminds me of the stuff I write still to all the women I meet. Only a few errors on lacing some of you King James' speech.

"... can |thy| hurt a soul so harshly?"
should be...
"... canst thee hurt a sould so hershly?"
'Thee' is meant to mention someone else, and 'thy' is posessive. 'Thou' means 'You'
ex. "Thou writeth grand poetry."
So, "...sign off thou heartsick name,"
should be...
" ... sign off thy heartsick name,"
And all else I found was a few lines that could be re-written, but only in my opinion. It could be your writing style. All in all, I felt the effort in this. This is a wonderful job well-done.



It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming