Dry your eyes with me,
Because you is a song,
When I recheck I know
I've been reading it wrong
And through every mind blowing and stupid event
That left us feeling so full of regret
They'll see we've been right all along.
We can cry together,
That day will be fine,
Because tears give us wishes
With lashes that fall
Leaving our worrisome
Hopes I make mine.
They are mine.
And yours
Wearing and tearing,
Our minds, out of it
Because we don't
Live in this world
Anymore.
We just don't live in this world.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello there Infinity here to review!
Well, I'll start by saying this is an interesting poem which you've put a lot of effort into, however there are some aspects of it that can be improved to it, e.g grammar and flow. I personally find some parts of this poem confusing I'm not sure what type of story you're trying to convey here.
Here,
"Dry your eyes with me,
Because you is a song,
When I recheck I know
I've been reading it wrong
And through every mind blowing and stupid event
That left us feeling so full of regret
They'll see we've been right all along."
You don't need a capital letter on the word "because" as it's still part of the previous sentence. "You is a song" doesn't make any sense, I assume you meant you "are" a song.
The choice of word with "recheck" seems like it doesn't quite fit, perhaps reread instead or something. In line 5, how can something mind blowing fill you with regret? It's a bit contradicting if its a stupid event but it's mind blowing? maybe cut that bit out.
"We can cry together,
That day will be fine,
Because tears give us wishes
With lashes that fall
Leaving our worrisome
Hopes I make mine."
This was my favorite part of the poem, well done.
Overall this was a great poem and I hope you keep writing!
-Infinity x
Hey
This is my first day on this account and this is the first piece I have read. WOW.
This really strikes me as something extremely deep and it would seem as though you are inquiring something you may have experienced before, since the detail is so strong.
I love your word choice when you said "Wearing and Tearing". Those words fit so well together in my opinion and I REALLY hope to hear more work from you. xoxo
Hey there! So intresting piece and very excited to review.
What I liked:
1. The originality. This isn't like what I have seen before, which is good. Your taking your idea and putting it out there, which can sometimes be hard to do.
2. The rhyme. Though sparse I think your use of it was very smart and well placed.
What I didn't like:
1. The flow. This is my personal opinion, but I think it read way to fast and it lost some of its meaning.
2. Gramatical nitpick. I don't know if it was intentional that you said "you is a song" but it should be "you are a song" if its not intentional. If it is ignore what I just said please.
3. Understanding. I had a little bit of an issue with getting what you are trying to stay. There is somethings in this that I get and then there is just a big question mark. Love the crying aspect, but you don't really address why the person is crying. Things like that.
Overall:
Its original and a great start. I hope I was able to help. Keep writing!!