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140,613 Literary Works • 673,553 Reviews
Hey there Sakura!
I don't normally enter the poetry forums, mainly because I suck at writing them, but seeing as you always comment on my novel, I thought I'd take a look at this for you.
Now, I'm no expert when it comes to reviewing poetry, so I think I'll stick to pointing out the things that I noticed while reading.
The rhyming is great throughout this, but I think you've tried too hard to get this verse to rhyme. It just seems too forced to me.
This is my favourite stanza in the poem. I just love the feel and the image of the last line.
It seems that throughout the poem, you've tried to rhyme the last word on the second line, with the last word on the fourth line in each stanza, but with this verse, it changes to the rhyme being the first with the second and the third with the fourth. I hope that makes sense. It's just that it stuck out to me. I'm not an expert on poetry, as I keep saying, but I think it would help the flow of the poem if you kept the rhyming pattern the same.
You mention lying twice in the poem quite close together and I think that, unless it's a theme to the poem and you mention it more often, it just seems like it sticks out too much here. Like the second mention is only there so it'll sort of rhyme with 'outside'
Anyway, I did enjoy this. The imagery was nice. I'm not going to go into the meaning of the piece, because I'll just end up making no sense at all, so I'll leave you alone and stop rambling.
I hope this helps!
xDudettex
Hiya! Please dont take my review harshly! You can take my advice if you want to, if not then I understand!
The walls are unstable,
There is no chatter, Change between these needs to be a bit more clearer.
Around the table.
The chairs do not hold us, add the word "up" to fix the verse
They are not strong,
The fire's not lighting,
The hallway is long.
Verse in blue doesnt make much sense, the subject keeps changing and its not very fluid
In the emptiness,
Of this architecture,
Is broken Add the word "A" promise,
A liar's lecture.
The windows, you cannot see,
From outside,
The cold, it lurks, How does this fit? Not really right to put here unless describing something like it, which you dont.
The portraits lie.
A falling ceiling,
A strong man's scream,
A young girl's nightmare,
A grown boy's dream.
The sick,
They get sicker,
As the meaner get mean,
A 'nothing is ever as it seems'.
A door slammed shut,
A garden bird's song,
A wish for the day,
That I will move on.
Okay... This is a bit different, your format changes just a bit from one to the next as well as your subjects. I think you could do a little more work on this, otherwise the mood was very good! It was constant which is very nice!
Keep writing! If you want to talk this poem over about more changes feel free to message me or email me at Snazzywriter@ymail.com
~Randi~ (Alabaster)
Hello SakuraFallsSweetly! I am purplepen and I shall be your first reviewer! Reviewing poetry isn't really my thing, but I'll try my best. By the way, don't worry about the title unless it really bothers you. The title can be anything you want it to be, even if it's something outlandish and crazy (though I wouldn't recommend that). Anyway, on to the review!
Okay. About this, I think the last two lines should relate more to each other. You see how the first two lines are talking about the chairs? Then in the third line you talk about fire and in the fourth line you talk about a hall way. I think you should make the fourth line say something about fire. I'm not sure if that's a specific rule or anything, I just think it would make it go better.
This part confused me. I have no idea what you are trying to say here. Maybe you meant to say 'A broken promise?' I don't know...
The first line is too long, I think. It interrupts the flow. Every other line is shorter than this one, so I think you should shorten it as well.
This part was very nice, I liked it.
Did you mean as the mean get meaner? I like it better that way, but either way works, I think. Besides, you're the author, so it's up to you to choose which way you like better.
I really liked this part. It was my favorite line out of the whole poem.
So, I think that's all the nitpicks. I really enjoyed reviewing your poem. It basically just needs a little brushing up. Over all, it's very good and I enjoyed it.