Hatesome With The Fire Of a Thousand Suns.

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:If there was never a word that I could offer, Start poems with a bang. This is more like a measly whimper.
There was not enough hatred, Okay. Establishing the feeling a bit.
Not enough venom to describe such a person. Starts off good, but as soon as it hits "describe," the whole line just collapses.

I'll throw you not one raindrop, Not one? You're making things unnecessarily complicated.
If you are burning,
Burning away in your own fear and fury. Meh.

I write my life, so I write said words with pen, What? "Said words?" This could be worded better.
I regret none of these words, Okay.
Because I cannot erase them. "Because" brings this whole thing crumbling down...how about "for?"

Tens of thousands, trickles of blood, Tens of thousands of what?
Like acid, all inside me, Don't like "all inside me."
Yet I'd live with it, "You would live with it?" "Would" describes possible scenarios, which, frankly, tend to die immediately in poetry.
Leave it burning, I wouldn't say acid burns, but I suppose this is fine.
Just so long as it had more on me than you. What? I don't understand this line at all. Just as I thought I was beginning to figure out what you're trying to tell me, you throw this at me, and now I'm at a complete loss.

Trusted you, feared you, Put an "I" at the beginning of this line and you'll be good to go.
And let everything I had fall,
Cascading deeper and deeper, Nice. I like this.
Into a big maze, "Big" is probably the blandest word anyone could think up.
Lost, with no way out. Yeah. Because it really matters that there's no way out when you're lost.

I'd kill and I'd die, I'd scream, even lie, Okay, this line needs thorough reworkage. The main problem lies in the last part.
To keep a sustainable distance, "Sustainable" is 100% not the right word here.
From even one glance. I guess this is fine....

For your eyes at me,
Arelike a starved, vicious lion, The double adjectives kill this line.
So judging, so harsh, I don't like "judging" in this context.
But, yours have not one ounce of pride, What about "devoid of pride?"
Nor one hint of courage. Now we're talking about courage?

Well, I thought this was pretty well written. Hope this was helpful.

-Kafka

Hey! I enjoyed this poem, particularly the title. It was a great thing to write about because most of us can relate to that kind of incredible hatred.
One piece of criticism I can give you is that your sentences seemed quite disjointed and at times didn't (to me) make a lot of sense. Were you trying for a rhyme or something? It sometimes seemed as if you wanted to rhyme sentences and other times you didn't. Now, when I wrote poetry it is usually entirely free verse, but if you had intended to give your poem some kind of structure perhaps you could work a bit harder on that.

I'll throw you not one raindrop,
If you are burning,
Burning away in your own fear and fury.

Hmm..I liked the last line of this but am not quite sure about the first.. you don't HAVE to hcange it though, maybe it only bothered me.

I write my life, so I write said words with pen,
I regret none of these words,
Because I cannot erase them.

The last two lines of this were great; the rhyme with the 1st and 3rd line didn't sound forced at all. However, the first line didn't really make a lot of sense. Maybe you could say, "Every detail of my life, I write with this pen" or simply "I write my life, and your words in pen". Not great examples, but just a couple of ideas.

Trusted you, feared you,
And left (did you mean "let"?)everything I had fall,
Cascading deeper and deeper,
Into a big (I didn't really like the use of the word "big", maybe use another word)maze,
Lost, with no way out.

If there was never a word that I could offer,
There was not enough hatred,
Not enough venom to descrive describe such a person.

The last line was really scathing, well done with that.

I'd kill and I'd die, I'd scream, even lie,
To keep a sustainable distance,
From even one glance.

I really liked this stanza, don't change it.

For your eyes to me, maybe "your eyes on me" would make more sense
Are like a starved, ficious (did you mean "vicious"?)lion,
So judging, so harsh,
But, your's Yet you have not one ounce of pride,
Nor one hint of courage.

Overall, I critisized a lot about this poem, but I did like it! WIth a bit of polishing, it would be even better than it already is. Well done!