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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Hey there!
Alright. So the theme - love, being nervous around someone you like. I think it's a bit played, and you didn't really capture the feelings in a way the reader would feel and relate to. Also, there are a few unanswered questions:
* Why can't the speaker breathe most of the time?
* What is the setting, exactly? I think answering this will build a better picture for the readers.
Also, I'm pretty sure a narrative tells a story, but I don't really think this one does. I think it needs stronger adjectives when addressing emotion to really bring the story to life.
Spelling error - Ridiculous, not rediculous.
I did enjoy the "polar wind racing through me" line.
~Epic
Awesome! Very good!
Please review my story!! 
Have a great day!!
~Liz
It doesn't do me any good,
Because then I can't get past,
The point of hello,
Or think of anything more or less,
Rediculous to say that will give me purpose,
To this new found breath.