I heard the bell on the door tinkle,
the tick-tick of my watch,
the bang of the door as it shut,
and in that haze I drove to my past.
.
The proud cry of my mother at my birth,
the hearty laughter when I called her the first,
the wails and tears when I was first hurt,
and the giggle at my silly jokes.
.
I could now hear so clear,
her anger when I made a mistake.
And the hidden wails again,
when she found out that I do regret.
.
These faint sounds still ring in my mind,
as I prepare to move far far away,
now again I hear the suppressed cry,
though only the proud laugh gains its way.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Ooh, this is pretty. I love nostalgic poems. I love your imagery - it's really clear and powerful. Overall, I think your content is really good, so I'm just going to give you nitpicks to make the flow better.
I'm pretty sure you meant "tick-tick" here, since "tick" is the sound and a "tic" is an involuntary facial movement.
I'd just leave a period here, not ellipses. We can gather that the next paragraph will take place in the past even if they aren't there, so they're kind of unnecessary, and they read awkwardly to me.
So, your previous lines in the stanza all flowed a very specific way. This breaks the flow, making it seem really jarring. I'd reword it so it focuses back on the mother again, perhaps something like "and her quiet giggle at my silly jokes."
I know what your trying to say, but "could now" sounds awkward, and "distinct" doesn't quite fit here, either. Maybe "I could hear, so clear" or something like that, to make it flow better.
Something about "that I do regret" feels off. You could change "that" to "what," but I'm not sure if that conveys the meaning you intended. I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm just not sure.
Other than those minor things, this was a great poem. I especially loved the last stanza, how the narrator is moving on from the past.
Good luck and keep writing!
thank you . your review was really helpful. i would certainly make the corrections
This wasn't very clear... not sure of the point. You should add more details so we have a clear picture of what is occuring here.
'These faint sounds still rings in my head' either change it to 'This faint sound still rings in my head' or 'These faint sounds still ring in my head', but the original isn't correct.
'When she found I do regret', change it to 'When she found out I do regret' as the other isn't correct either.
'Though only the pride laugh gain its way' should be 'Though only the proud laugh gain its way' instead.
I think this was a good rough draft, not saying it was bad. It just has errors and corrections and some TLC still needed along with added details so we're not in a fog trying to understand. This is a diamond in the rough, a pretty good one at that.
Keep writing, read it aloud to yourself and see if you like hearing it and the way the words flow when you say them. This was good. Good job, you'll be a good writer. Nice. Please feel free to review my latest work, A Tragic End, sometime, I'm looking for honest opinions.
Hey.
"I could now hear distinct," Okay so I think this is grammatically incorrect.
"These faint sounds still rings in my mind," I think it should be "These faint sounds still ring in my mind"
"when she found I do regret" -- "when she found out that I do regret" OR "when she found out, I do regret"
"though only the pride laugh gains its way." shouldn't it be "proud"?
Anyways, I got a faint idea of what it might be. please add content.
Good try.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xx