Your eyes met mine,
In the chirping breeze and soothing shine,
A bed of flowers that blossomed throughout,
Below the foamy white, rain- washed cloud.
.
In our paradise where guilt was rare.
Not a desire to burden, not a loss to scare.
Where roses lacked thorns and lions lacked their pang,
Where kiss was gentle, without the refined Judas tang.
.
"Don't you touch that lustrous fruit,
It will burn you in sweat, and your innocence shall be uproot",
so said the man wise and strong
who knew, right only exists where there is wrong.
.
We stared at it all day long- held together in a gentle lock,
A sting of curiosity,as we sat on the dividing rock.
I was the first to engulf the guilt
now, I repent at swallowing that filth.
.
I ran in dark, deep abyss with blades bare.
Found garments to hide my scar.
Found lies to pillar my will,
I let out that cry bitter and shrill.
.
" Adam don't! Don't repeat the same,
you would find none but yourself to blame",
My voice was faded in his curtained longing,
that brought the frosty winter in our everlasting spring.
.
Then pain, flaw, hatred, treachery and lie flowed rough and bare,
Disharmony, distrust then pressed our love's sphere.
Desperate physic longed and desired to burn that passion,
Worldly mistakes halted our soul's elevation.
.
"Dust thou art to dust returnest !" ,
That curse was all we gained in this quest.
But then a little silver scar toughed the sky,
That crystal still twinkles for those who dare to fly.
.
Since then we strive to reach that height,
Some with shadowed while others with clear sight.
All our ladders are woven of the same rope,
however, only those succeeds who fuel's their hope.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This was a nice poem. The words were pretty, the meaning amazing. I think you did an awesome job with this. So kudos!
I'll point out things that looked funny to me. It might be just me, so if you feel like I'm wrong, let me know! It's all about learning.
It's the beginning part I'm not sure about. I think you're missing a word here. I'd add "the" before "kiss."
Comma after "Adam." Also get rid of the space between the first quotation mark and Adam.
I think you're missing a word here too. Add "the" before "dark."
Spacing problem. Get rid of the space just after "returnest" and the one before the comma
Also: I saw some stuff with punctuation that, in a novel, I would have pointed out to you, but since this is poetry, I wasn't sure. You know, how some people use it in different ways. But if you want me to let you know what I saw, PM me and I'll show them to you (along with my suggestions).
And that's all I've got for you now. And remember, my stuff are all just suggestions. Do not feel obligated to go by them. If you feel like I'm mistaken about anything, let me know. But like I said before, I really enjoyed this. The ending was good and very thought-provoking. The best kind.
Keep writing!
-comrie
I really like this, not only for the message, but also for the way that you told the story. The style that you wrote this in seems to be similar to a fairytale or legend. Personally, I love that style and I think you pulled it off incredibly well. The only parts that threw me were the last two lines, the last especially.
Overall, I love the poem and the way it's written. It has a mystical feeling to it which this story deserves.
Hello! Just here to write my first review. Here we go!
First off, I really like the use of couplets in your poem. Personally, I prefer poetry that has some sort of rhyming or syllable format to free verse poems. In my opinion, it adds a sort of beauty to the poem that free verse alone seems just shy of.
Your poem was also very descriptive, taking a unique viewpoint on a well known Bible story. I have never read anything quite like it before and find the first person view to be an interesting take on it.
You also do a very good job of building up tension throughout the poem, setting the mood for what we know will happen. I'm not sure why, but the phrase, "Found garments to hide my scar" really appeals to me. I feel like it conveys emotion in a very simple yet meaningful way.
I really enjoy the hopeful note at the end. All in all, your poem was well put together and quite refreshing. Keep up the good work!