Young Writers Society

Awesomeness of this poem ia damn too high!!

Wonderful poem, my dear. This is one of the most accurate descriptions of darkness and depression I have ever seen. A very darkly lovely poem.

Hello! I'm here to review.

So, while I appreciate the attempt, I don't like this poem. It needs a lot of tough love. At the moment, it feels shallow and cliche. There isn't any depth. You're manifesting internal roadblocks/doubts/fears/pains as a devil, which is pretty overdone. Poets throughout literary history have written similar poems, but have made it original (for example, Gerard Hopkins' poem "I wake and feel the fell of dark"). You need to steer this away from a cookie-cutter poem and make it something entirely unique.

I don't think the rhyme scheme works. Scrap it. It's a little corny and spoils the threatening atmosphere you're trying to construct.

I pull you back to the darkness,

I bear the sorrows you had left behind.

I chew your hopes

I stick to your steps.

I mock at you on life's stage

I blend in your apathy and rage.

I am a part of yours, just that i am unseen

When success is ahead I come in between.

Hey there, Aeros here!

This poem is really great. The subject matter is really close to home for a lot of people. I mean, its close to my life, at least.

Im not sure if this was meant to have a religious background, but whether it did or it didn't does not really change what I got from it. I think you have a nice portrayal of the doubt and anxiety that a lot of people face in their lives.

Some slight nitpicks, but nothing too major.

Your rhymes are nicely consistent except in lines 7-8. It breaks the pattern of all the others, for me at least. Im not exactly well-versed in poetry, so I'm sorry if I'm not seeing something significant about the change there, haha.

In your second to last line, I think it would sound better if you changed "I am a part of yours" to just "I am a part of you."

Thats pretty much all that I have to say! I love the content and the execution. Some small nitpicks but I think those are more of my personal preference than flaws with your work. Nice poem!

Wow!

When I was reading this, I realized, this is exactly how my Mother is. Well, how I see her to affect my life. I could never even try to get it out and it seems so perfectly done here! Also, I love the rhyme scheme and how it flows and there's a sort of rhythm...I guess. :/ Anyway, I know the poem is short and there isn't much to review because of that. But, I just wanted to say this is very, very good! Your work is exceptional!

Also, have I ever commented how when I read your username, I read Ritapurna? It's just something weird about me that happens every time.

Anyway, back to the work, I love this and see nothing to nitpick!

Great job!

Keep up the fantastic work!

Keep writing!,
~Tiff

Somehow this poem is dark. If this poem is about you, in my honest answer I can really relate to this poem. I can actually feel it, but its like its lacking. Just need something that can actually make the readers amaze

Also, there is one error, I am not sure if you did that on purpose but the part "I gift you depression and distress", I think you meant by "I gift to you depression and distress" or "I give you depression and distress".

Over all the poem is good, but it feels really lacking like there is something else that you need to describe more. But I still love your poem.

I don't know if I should still review it, but I am free and I really haven't been reviewing your works lately, so here I go!

First of all, congratulations on making it to the literally spotlight! You deserve it, cute writer!

It is a wonderful poem and I am gonna continue it longer and write a poem same as this one, or at least with the same idea, very soon! You are awesome, Ritu. Pretty amazing stuff here.

The ending was really cool too. The rhymes and the way you described what and who is inside of us who stops us all the time and who demotivates us. Pretty cool but such a young writer.

Again, I really wanted it to be longer. I have to say it was really really really very good but short! Could you not describe it a little more? Could you make it longer and tell us more about how to overcome that silly devil inside of you? Well, maybe in part 2 of this poem? I really hope you'll expand it further. Believe me, the idea was there and it was awesome. So I just request you to make a part 2 of it. It is super awesome.

And I also wanna ask you something. Why don't you write your poems in stanzas? I mean, don't you like them that way or do you just like it the way it is here? I just wonder why. Oh well, there isn't anything bad about writing it this way but still, you know this is what I think - and nobody cares what I think.

Once again, it is really cool stuff from you and once again, you made me your fan. haha
Looking forward to reading more of your poems. I just love them!

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin that poem has a great message that isn't well felt (like you are trying to tell the reader about what you are feeling yet you can't really explain how you feel about it-- like telling a story from your perspective.) Also i enjoy the little internal rhymes that happen in this poem to give it that little beat and tone like helplessness or sorrow for why you can't move on.

Nitpick(s):

I am a part of yours, just that i am unseen

I chew your hopes

It has several points to improve on, but it was interesting. I think that your theme of darkness is interesting, but this poem can feel a little scary to young readers. Try putting a warning on it to keep little kids from reading it. I hope that this is not based too much on personal experience. I find that you have reel potential.
Great try!

Hi there!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

I don't feel like this poem is really doing anything for me. It doesn't go anywhere, or describe anything in a way that's going to stick with me.

If you're trying to send a certain message, maybe you should use an example instead of simply telling what happens. If I hadn't read the description, I would have no idea what this poem is about, and poems should be self-explanatory, as that's how they're often presented: that poem, no description, no nothing.

Try to get an example story going, so at least it goes somewhere. To be honest, I think that the logic is flawed as well. For our downfalls, we have no one to blame but ourselves. i think that that's a healthier way to think than to think there's a predator on our heels all the time, waiting for us to mess up, or making us mess up.

I did like some of your use of language, like the active verbs you use. There's nothing in language that beats strong sentence structure. Good job on writing easily understood sentences.

Happy YWSing!

Hello RituparnaBhowmik! CelticThunder1438 here for a review of your work!

First off I would like to say I liked your poem. I am new to poetry, since I have only wrote a couple poems. I love reading other people's poems, its always very inspiring. The one thing I like to see in poetry is familiarization. I am very familiar with the feeling of depression and rage and I can relate to this poem quite well. You kinda made me start thinking about it. I find myself blaming God a lot also, lately.
I like how your poem was real. Everything in it I could relate to and that made it come to life- if you get my meaning.
I noticed that sometimes you forgot to capitalize "I" like in the second last sentence, but other than that I cant find anything else. Your poem is really good. I like it and think you are very good at poetry and could go far
A couple tips - 1. KEEP WRITING.
So many people write a little bit and quit. You have very good potential so I advise you to continue. I look forward to reading more from you..
2. I liked the size of this poem. The one thing I don't like is when people make poems soo long. It makes me not want to read them, much less review them. Short poems are always the best So keep your size

Question - Could you please review some of my work? I have some poems and some stories on here If you have time...but if not that's okay. Thanks!

~CelticThunder1438 a.k.a Selina or Seliter

Hey, yo, RituparnaBhowmik! Strange here and I have a review for you!

To kick it off, there is a piece of advice that I have heard about satire that I would like to share.

For it to be satire, the audience has to be in on the joke

I chew your hopes

I stick to your steps.

I mock at you on life's stage

I blend in your apathy and rage.

I am a part of yours, just that i am unseen

When success is ahead I come in between.

Hey there! CaptainSaltWater here with a review for you!

I really like this poem. Except you repeated "I" very many times. It gives it repetition, but it doesn't make it sound good. Otherwise, great job. It described the devil within us on so many levels. Good job with achieving that. It uses a lot of metaphors, hyperbole's, and things like that. I want to read more of your poems. Don't give up and always write!

-CaptainSaltWater

Here to review.


I liked this poem. It has a nice flow to it that makes it easy to read and the message that you wanted to convey shows well with the atmosphere you created. However, there are some things that I think you could improve in your poem.

Firstly, rhyming. In poetry, there isn't a rule to what has to rhyme and what doesn't, mostly everything in poetry is up to the poet. However, if you are rhyming everything but two verses, it changes the flow a bit since the reader is expecting a rhyme but never gets one. So I think it would be better if you made "hopes" and "steps rhyme in a way.

Then there's punctuation. Same goes for punctuation as for rhyming, it's up to you to choose what is best. However, most of this piece has punctuation, so I think you should punctuate everything. The words lacking punctuation are: "hopes" in which you could use a comma or a semi-colon; "stage" in which you can also use a comma or a semi-colon; and "unseen" which could probably use a full stop after it.

I feel like you could also improve a couple of things with your flow. Following the rhymes you made, people may read two verses "together" in a way, so if two verses that rhyme are similar length but not exactly the same, it may stop the flow a bit. This is especially the case with:

I chew your hopes

I stick to your steps.

I chew on your hopes

I gift you depression and distress.

I gift you with depression and distress.

I mock at you on life's stage

I am a part of yours, just that i am unseen

When success is ahead I come in between.