Young Writers Society

Okay, Hello! Ryu(AKA Southbound) Here for a review!
Hey! Now, first off, I have to say good job, it takes guts to write a song. Even more to post them! Now, I was a little through off at the beginning, very little rhyme scheme, it felt like it was repeating the same thing over and over. I know it's about love and a break up(I'm fixing to post a song about mine!) and that it comes from the heart and everything, but I felt like it was not the best you could do, and that it could use a little bit of work. I'm not trying to be rude, or mean or anything, but honestly, it sounds more like a poem to me than anything, because the verses are not long, you have a small chorus, and it isn't all that big in general. I mean, bravo on the song itself, it's not the worst I've seen(a lot of rap is a lot worse), but it's not the best. If I hurt your feeling I'm sorry, I don't mean to, I'm just a blunt person and I hate it. But, keep working on your stuff, and keep writing and posting on YWS!
Sincerely,
Ryu(Southbound)Cevenost.

Good job on this piece but I feel like it could use some work. I understand it's about love and a breakup but I did not feel any real purpose or direction driving this piece. I felt like this love would have been more realistic or tangible to the reader if we had a description of the other person. Like their physical appearance or personality traits. I would have liked "Baby I love you, I love how your head is always stuck in a book" because it would have shown this individual as a real person. Other than that, good job.

Keep on writing!

Dragonrider

Good job on this piece but I feel like it could use some work. I understand it's about love and a breakup but I did not feel any real purpose or direction driving this piece. I felt like this love would have been more realistic or tangible to the reader if we had a description of the other person. Like their physical appearance or personality traits. I would have liked "Baby I love you, I love how your head is always stuck in a book" because it would have shown this individual as a real person. Other than that, good job.

Keep on writing!

Dragonrider

Hello there! Satira here for a review!
So, while I'm sure, if put to music, this song would flow very smoothly and unquestionably, I have this one criticism: Lack of originality.
Don't worry, this happens to absolutely everyone, and the love song genre is a very easy place to fall into it. Love is trite- it's like that. So, I guess, you portrayed what you were trying to portray... well.
But still. This song has no substance. I've heard it a thousand million billion times. And how does this relate to you? how has love taken it's unique toll on YOU, personally? That is what it's all about, now. Love is universal- but the truth is, it's a very personal thing, different for everybody, and should you write a song about it, it should mirror that.
I just need to feel something real, something personal, and I just don't. Though your rhyming and flow is very, very good, you don't have enough purpose or direction to carry your talent through. But I bet once you find something to direct that gift towards, you're gonna be gold.
Keep working at it!!
~Satira

ps. sorry if I was harsh... I do that sometimes and I assure you, it's completely my fault .

Hey there!
First of all, please excuse me for my rusty reviewing. It's been a while, so this'll be a bit rough...
Lovely song you have here! I was curious if you had a specific tune in mind? I had a bit of trouble catching onto the rhythm at first, but I figured that was because you might've had a tune in mind when you wrote this, which would have sculpted the flow to the song. Just curious
Okay, I have a few nitpicks for you. First: "To gaze at your that perfect smile," I think you meant to get rid of either 'your' or 'that' but missed it. I do that all the time
Next "Though I know it clear I get no choice." I think you meant 'it's' but I'm not sure.
Also "you broke your lve out of crust.; You said then you loved me, you said then you care," I was wondering what 'Ive' was, and you're using past-tense, so it would be 'cared'. I know it's for the sake of the rhyme, but it didn't settle right on my tongue while I was reading.
There are also a few other minor errors, but other than that, it looks pretty good.
I did want to mention that your rhyming is all over the place. I sincerely don't mean for that to come out rude or anything; there's just not another way to say it that sounds any better. You just rhyme in a certain pattern in one stanza, but switch the format or don't rhyme at all in the next. I'm not recommending you change it or anything, I just wanted to make sure you were aware of it.
I really like the song, though! It's got a nice story behind it Have you ever written songs before?
Keep writing! I love your work