I was asked to choose to die in fire,
Or succumb in ice.
I chose Fire as my desire,
Though Ice could suffice.
The sanctity the purity in fire,
Is far more devotee than ice.
It is devotion without despair
That churns you without malice.
My passionate Fire i devote to Thee-
For whom i may burn in gay.
It is not pain but glee
To burn in passion if you say.
But in ice I lie a cold corpse,
Devoid of charm and lively heat.
Not embracing my desire with my arms,
Crumbled helpless at Thy feet.
Thy hatred would bear the venom for me,
To slowly guide me to my end.
Thy negligence would shatter my glee,
To step in death each passing second.
The ice calms my desire for more and more,
The fire burns my strength and flesh
But yet in Ice my eyes will be sore
When life would have no ambition, no loss, no bless.
"what shall I choose to end my existence
Both Fire and Ice seems quite sufficient way.
Yet my fire, you owe my death sentence;
Only you can make me your prey."
I was asked to choose to die in fire,
Or succumb in ice.
I chose fire as my desire,
Though ice could suffice.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heya!
Look I really loved this poem. The first stanza reminded me alot Robert Frosts version
"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. "
I can guess that this poem is inspired by it. Whether you heard it on Twilight or the poem itself. The point I am getting to is... Great work.
I loved reading this so much that I read it a second time. You really got your point across.
Other reviewers have pointed out a few things they find wrong with the poem so just take that into account!
Good work and all the best of luck to you!
:O Wow! such a lovely piece. Honestly, I don't have much criticism to offer, besides a couple tweaks to a few of your lines.
The two 'while's at the end of the two lines kind of bothered me. Since they're not the ones ryhming, I would suggest for you to change one.
I think you meant 'as cold as a corpse'? Or, 'a cold corpse'. Just a small change.
I love the repetition of stanzas - the first one becoming the last one, I thought that was very nice. Also, it just felt amazing. I can't even word it.
So fabulous job on that.
My only other suggestion is rhyming, some of it is everywhere. In some stanzas, there are only two lines that rhyme, while in others there are four.
In all, awesome job, keep up the lovely work!
~ EternalRain ^.^
Whew! That was really really really good! (Like the visual at the end BTW).
I liked how you put your first stanza as both your first and last stanza. I also like how you were deciding between the too and chose fire (although this is quite commonplace).
Like already said before I would just change hough to though and that's my only nitpick!
Again, great job on this, it was very well written!
Keep Writing!
-Zanda
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on how this poem has a good tone to it and how you added some end rhymes throughout the poem, to make it smooth and free-flowing.
There a few nitpicks I have found in this poem (since most poems do need something worth improving):
hough Ice could suffice I believe that the word -hough should be change to -though (maybe a typing error.)
my death certain in worldly curse This is a little wordy for my taste also a little confusing.
to step in death each while Maybe change this chunk to death is sometimes around or something similar
to kill me a little a while This stanza is a little confusing since what are your trying to tell the readers about death.
Overall, I believe that this poem has its perks like there are some end rhymes and how there is tone of choosing between which death you might want to die. Also how ironic this poem is since fire is hot while ice is cool (i think you switched them around.)
Farewell and Keep writing,
CapitalMonday
thank you for your review and i made some amendments in the grounds you suggested, your suggestions really helped me in the course. please do read my words and give many more ofyour opinion.
This is Inked here for my last and Final review.
This poem has so much potential. It is not a new concept on the contrary, it is rather overused. You did seem to be choosing between the two.
that would actually be a good idea. To have the narrator the person speaking, be conflicted enough to want to choose between fire and ice.
make it a conflict because conflict is what draws people in.
in fact conflict is what keeps this world of ours spinning. It keeps readers reading, and it keeps writers writing.
Fire is supposed to be the opposite of ice, but why not try saying the ice burns and the fire cools?
You did forget the T in though in the first stanza.
it is nice. You have to pick which to die in. It would be nice if in the beginning you pick fire, but then pick ice. Why is ice so bad?
How can fire be so good?
This is a well written poem, the language of which you use is olden, but instead of being dry it makes it seem richer. Deeper in a sense of the word. It gives it the facade of having history.
Although I do believe that it is a good poem, you have a bit to work on.
The third stanza needs to be a little more defined. I couldn't quite comprehend what you wanted there. In that moment? And sometimes it sounds as if you are focusing to much on making it rhyme rather than focusing on the words of which you are crafting.
you are creating a story, you are showing me something that I have never before experienced. I tell you this asking you to Show me. Show me Death. Show me Anger. Show me Purity.
Poetry is an art that a lot of people don't understand and cannot comprehend.
Poetry is a story that is a million stories.
I think you have the potential to create that.
I really must end this review. This is my last and Final review. Maybe one day I will come back, but this is it.
~Inked.
i owe you a hearty thanks for this review and i would certainly work on my weak ground. as for the language- my approach is quite older as i want to revive richer English and i am really trying to b a follower of the great romantic trio. and i would like to make a few narrative amendments as you suggest. again thanks a lot and really i would like to find many more reviews from you. i really feel quite sad that you are leaving .