When life parts you from the dearest of all,
When you fell that you are about to fall,
When all the brightness does pass in gloom,
When long cherished hopes fails to bloom.
Don't let you last stock of strength shatter
As there must always be some binding chains and their clatter.
The mythical Phoenix rises from its ashes,
Persevere and wash your gloom with a cleansing splashes.
.
It is fire that can burn away miseries icy cold,
Even frail physic may with hold a will too bold.
When you face shatters dreams or a drastic change
Stoop to collect your skills and prepare for new challenge.
A beautiful rose, even hurts with its thorns,
But its beauty is its might, which is never wrong.
Each day the sun bleeds red and dies without a miss
but again at morn it arises with its stock of bliss...
.
So behold your spirit and excel twice,
As only your desperate longing will suffice...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello!
I have a question, did you make the spelling of your title wrong in purpose? Or wrong type? Or probably you want to be creative? Because there are times that readers can easily fool or strict with the spelling! So be careful 
That's all! 
Though I am confuse with some of the lines in the poem like:
"Don't let you last stock of strength shatter"
The correction for that is:
"Don't let your last stock of strength shatter"
Another:
"The mythical Phoenix rises from its ash"
You lack "es" in "ash" so it sound like "ashes"
Also:
"It is fire that can burn away miseries icy cold"
It would sound better if its:
"It is fire that can melt the icy cold misery"
P.s~ it depends on you though but the "miseries icy cold" confused me
To make the tone of the poem balance, you have to be careful with the punctuation marks.
Like:
"A beautiful rose even hurts with its thorns,
But its beauty is its might, which is never wrong."
It would sound better if it's:
"A beautiful rose, hurts with its thorns.
Its beauty in its might, is never wrong"
And lastly, "but at mourn it re arises with its stock of bliss"....its better if it's "but at mourn, it arises with its stock of bliss"
I think the poem is good, but you have to work on the errors
thank you for the review , and stoop to conquer is a phrase which means to get something we must persevere.
You know what? You are awesome! I've said that earlier as well and I am saying this again.
Let's start writing the review without wasting any further time.
The title was good. At first, I read the "Stoop" as "Stop" and I was kind of confused as to what you meant by "Stop to conquer" (my bad! haha). Anyway, it was really good. I liked it and felt you are doing really good at choosing the right title for your poems.
The poem itself was really nice. Yes! I have read better poems, which you wrote earlier, but this wasn't that good of a poem. I know you are naturally very talented and you can do way better than this. The punctuation wasn't appropriately used. That was a pain, really! I wish you could spend a bit more time correcting them (It is literally impossible for me to say all that here). It was still good and I see you getting better every time you write something. A good thing about you is that you improve all the time!
The structure was, as usual, the normal one you (and I) use for poems. Not a bad thing at all! It is good. No problem there!
Overall, it was a good attempt but I see you improving a bit on the things I said earlier. 7/10 for this one and I know you'll do really good in your next poem.
Keep writing and all the very best.
thank you for this review, i hope i performed better in my latest poem estrangement from desires.
Ok, twice was weird, three times is creepy lol
I don't know why, but my review posted twice. Have a good day.
Good evening my friend. I will start off by saying that the first critique shall be to give attention to your spelling, as I spent far to much time trying to understand the typo than I did the piece. Continuing on though:
As is customary with me of course I love to break a piece down and enjoy the attractiveness of each verse. You're word structure is good, it is not poisoned by ill practice. But your language is dry. Not that it is not good, but it is plain where it should be delectable. To quote it, to many whens sufficed to bring a drawn out look at the whole. Instead of bringing us in, it left us at the doorway. It is not necessarily the arrangement of the words rather the words themselves. There's very little life, and without that there is nothing. No amount of emotion, which is clearly felt can stifle life in words.
The fifth verse is your strongest thus far, and needs no correction other than the typo. But it is the sixth I feel takes away from its glory. What isn't understood is the subject of what is on the chains. Perhaps with a rearrangement in the beginning four we would see the picture you paint. But here it seems that you insinuate your last stock of strength was the thing bound by chains.
The seventh and last verse of the first stanza are to different to reside in the same sentence. I can understand with a modest thought of how you were trying to display that simile. But I fear it was lost with the Phoenix.
And now, I honestly do not like saying this, as I do not aim to judge or put unintentional emotion into a review. But I saw no relationship or reason why the first line of the second stanza would be complimented by the second. It is somewhat detrimental to the theme and it makes us question the rest of the piece. To what end would our face shattering our dreams cause for us to have face anything? Where would our courage lie? So then we would read on to see the remark of the rose.
The capturing of this is off. You intend it differently I know, but it's intention is lost with the fact that you say essentially we are our own beautiful tragedy. And to say we are never wrong after previously stating to persevere. Which would be to overcome the wrong to prove your righteousness.
And then to our last two lines of the second stanza. Here... here is poetry. This was beautiful. This is the message that should be carried out with the entire piece. The language gives that just amount to allow us to feel that warm sensation poetic language should give us.
And lastly the final verses are... strange. Not that they are necessarily poorly written by any means. But that, to the rest of the poem they seem on their own. Like a start to another because almost nothing about them relates to what is suggested. Courage to move on shouldn't be compared to the desperate longing. A spirit is POwer, like the rising Sun and it's glorious will to fight. It seems forced, as if you tried to compliment the whole with an idea that hadn't yet settled in your mind
In conclusion, I think it is good. With an excellent mark of potential in improvement. It has the power to speak, it just needs the right voice. And I hope you take the criticism without heart. As I said on the beginning, this poem is not without a practiced hand. You know poetry, now you must grasp the poetic language unique to you. All poets have their own language, and you must experiment to find how yours speaks.
Like for me, I couldn't write a great haiku to save me life. But an epic or a ballad would be simple enough.
I hope you find this helpful, and of course, I will wait eagerly to see what you develop when you discover your niche in poetic language.