“This place is intolerable” I shouted as loud as I could. “Arrogant prince, insane magicians calling me their princess; I want to go home”
But no one was there to hear me. All left me as I had directed them to go. I was in the beautiful garden in midst of nature; beautiful as it was but my enemy now was solitude. I was too anxious to get someone I knew (by that I meant someone I could call my own; from earth- may be mom, dad anyone with whom I could feel secured). But no one paid any heed to me, to my desperate longing.
It took me a moment to notice- this place was very luxurious. Meals were served in shining gold and silver tapestries and I couldn’t comprehend the food to any tastier food I ever had. All adored me here, well except Edmund perhaps. I spent most time either roaming in the garden or thinking about my family when steeped in my room. It was surprising no one spoke about my training; probably they wanted me to get accustomed first. About two days passed hence then my life took another new turn!
While taking a walk in the garden I found Lean and Fred in one corner talking to a lady dressed in a luxurious gown- the ones worn by the queens in the movies. It was dark blue and her pale olive toned skin glowed in the bright reddish light of the dawn, it seemed as if the dying sun cast its last sparkle on her face enhancing her beauty. Her curly golden blond hair was tied in a bun but many ringlets were left free. She skin turned orange in the sunlight.
“We are trying out best but yet Princess Michelle seems too looks to lonely not a bit at ease, she is taking longer to calm down to normal than we expected. Well we can’t blame her, the prince was here since birth and at least knew magic exists but she is completely unknown of the secrets that ruled this place. We are having a tough time trying to keep her happy- well at least not sad that that I should say”
Fred didn’t allow lean to lament for long “But the good thing is that she has realized her power. She is the Fire- very special and powerful one indeed.” Fred met Leans glance and they passed a smile “Though this realization came through a funny incident, but the prince is too arrogant and considers her mistake his disrespect. Well they are … not so close” I could sense that he was trying to come up with more appropriate word to comprehend hatred.
“I will take care of my daughter. She will understand and for Edmund, well he needed someone to burst his bubble of pride. Recently I have noticed that the kid has become too arrogant he needs a good punishment”
“But Queen how will-” Lean stopped mid-sentence finding me behind as he turned. He changed the topic “Oh hey Princess! Queen, there’s our sweet princess.”
“Oh! My child, I love you come at once to me.” I threw a questioning glance to Fred.
“She’s your mother princess, our Queen Rosalie”
The queen continued “It was horrifying for he to live this long time without you, the moments seemed like years. Dying would have been easier from the separation of the mother from her child. I found it too hard to keep up my determination and fighting my desperate urge to come hold you in my arms. But I wanted you to be safe and I am successful, everything is going according to the horoscope. My sweet baby come to me” she held her arms open- may be this was what I actually needed a hug from my mother someone who could comfort me, help me to adjust, someone own; though I had seen her for the first time but she seemed oddly familiar, as is I had never gone apart. I drifted in her arms.
But as soon as she touched me my eyed blinded by a bright light! As my eyes adjusted I found myself in a beautiful hill. A huge palace built on the top of it- it was too elegant and furnished with marble and stained glass. A beautiful glass dome on the top made up of colored glass. But suddenly the light was gone. A dark cloud covered the sky and darkness descended on the beautiful palace. There I saw the lady- Queen Rosalie, my mother! I was shocked at the face that she seemed just exactly of the same age! Well my anxiety was soon overlapped with the scene. My mother was running away from the palace with an infant baby in her arms. Inside the palace I found another lady who was surrounded by complete darkness, the darkness seemed to emerge from her! She had charcoal black curly disarrayed hair. Her eyes were a mysterious black without any glow; she was even dressed in full black.
A strong man, I imagined he might be the king, was fighting her. I noted my mother to trespass them with the child. She held her close in her arms as if it was her precious jewel, one she could not sacrifice for anything…
I heard a loud wail as the king was groaning with pain. But Queen didn’t look back, she kept running.
Then the image dispersed and I returned to the garden in my mother’s arms as she spoke “my motherly instinct prevented he that day from stopping and mourning at your father’s death. I knew that you were our only hope, I couldn’t spare your life too at any cause.” Tears rolled down her eyes and she found it hard to speak so she just hugged me tighter.
After a while she continued “I love you my child, I sacrificed everything for you. I wouldn't ever let you go…”
Lean and Fred felt it better to leave us alone so they disappeared without even interrupting to ask permission.
“But why me? I mean why the peace and security of this world rests on me, a mere 16 years old girl. I think all have massively mistaken. I have not got any extraordinary-”
She cut me in the middle, “You are no ordinary teen my dear. You are my daughter, the princess of Lenure, that’s not at all ordinary.” She waited a while then affection enrolled her face “Be patient Michelle, you will get all your answers” she turned around and called for Fred and asked them to arrange a bonfire.
A bonfire! That sounded interesting, was it a general welcoming ceremony or a time for some more of those scary stories…
.
Everyone here (well atleast all whom I knew) were present at this bonfire seated around the blazing flame. My mother sat right beside me, other seats were taken by Lean, Fred, Edmund( though he sat as far from me as possible intently staring at the blazing light, his face was completely composed; it looked as if he was thinking something thorough), and there were two of the other men Jack and Sofia.
Once all were seated Fred started the conversation. “It is a pleasure to have you with us Michelle; we have been waiting for you since long. But now it is time for us to answer your questions.” Bull’s eye- I was correct; this was story time...
“There are some old tales you need to know, a glimpse of the magic that rules our place. This tales are passed on in the royal family from generation to generation. No one can tell the exact year or the period when this tradition started but all know when it will end.” At once all the eyes were pinned on me and Edmund.
“About a million years ago our kingdom was the strongest kingdom of zodiac”
“Our king lord Antony was very generous and kind hearted one who grew restless at the slightest sorrow of his subjects, one who never inflicted any enemy. His son Matthew was more precious to him than anything else. The king could withstand any pain but not that suffered by his son. But the weakness of lord Antony was the perilous advantage to Matthew. His greed for power grew stronger than his affection for his old father. He planned to undertake the kingdom, to take the complete power and prestige in his hand. In such immature state of mind he planned to kill his father and fulfill his aim. Foolish boy! If he would have asked his father would have happily died for him”
“But Matthew lacked both means and strategy to accomplish his task. He could not find any alley who would help him betray his father. It left him no way but to step in the canal of darkness- the land of Zaire.” Just the name sent a cold shiver down my spine, her image flashed in my mind.
“Zaire burned in envy against Antony, she played well with this child's mind seeking her reward if she succeeded in her attempt. Matthew could hardly realize the Satan he invited”
“Matthew was just 15 and maximum ambitious. But being so young he had no knowledge of the magic which ruled over our world. He had no experience of its strength and no idea that he was going to be a traitor to his own world.”
“No knowledge of what is crime
No knowledge of what is fair
No knowledge of what’s holy
And no knowledge who is a lire.
He imagined him as the king on thrown
With strength, power insane and tranquil
He imagined being the supreme of all
No knowledge that Zaire was evil”
Utter horror washed through every face. It was followed by a moment of silence. From here Lean continued-
“Lord Antony was gifted the power of foretelling the future by lord Jupiter which had been bestowed on him for his honesty and generosity. When he came to know his son’s treachery he was spellbound. But he bore no anger to his son but concern.”
“His son was minor to get the knowledge of dark spells; there was no way to explain him the dark magic of Zaire. So he prayed to lord Jupiter to save his son by any means.”
“But fate had more sufferings left for the prince. As soon as his task was accomplished Zaire asked for her gift “I want the kingdom and your life” she greeted the words with her sarcastic laugh. Horror swept the prince’ face, the laughter echoed in the empty hall. No one could help him. No one…”
“He attempted to run but the poor boy was entrapped and left dumb, deaf and blind.”
“Then a bright light filled the entire palace and lord Jupiter emerged from the midst of brightness. “Don’t dare to hurt the boy or you will be killed”. Zaire stared wide eyed at him “You will kill me for doing justice. This notorious youth had killed his father. He ought to die, so let me serve his death.”
“With that she tore the lame body of the prince into pieces.”
““Your punishment will not be served by me as Matthew deserved death. But you deserve a worse death than him who influenced this minor kid by your black magic to rebel against his father so that you could envelop this world with your dark intentions. Past will repeat itself, your child will die and your family disrupted. Your solitude will be your punishment. You will live a million and fifty years but death will cast its cold shadow in form of prince of Lireé and princess of Lenure”
“With these words Jupiter disappeared. Lord never made another appearance till date”
“But all his sayings are proved correct. Zaire’s son Jake intended to kill you even before your birth but your father couldn’t let that happen”
“Zaire took her revenge on your father king Harrison and I hope you know the rest. Your mother has the power of making a person visualize whatever she desires, but Zaire has the same power but she is much stronger.”
“You have the power of fire, our prince the power of ice. You both are predestined to defeat the evil. We are awaiting Fiana the daughter of king of Stolen to turn 16. She would be very strong once she learns control of her power. We can guess she would either have the power of wind or earth”
“And I am ready to fight too”-an unknown voice replies from behind- “Hello I am Stepinie, the elder daughter of king of Stolon. I own the power of earth.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Salutations
I am always happy to assist a team mate. I read that English isn't your home language, so I shall refrain from commenting about things such as spelling and grammar, whilst focusing on the other, larger aspect of your story instead.
Sometimes, you use an incorrect verb, mostly because it sounds similar to another one (like how you confuse "compare" with "comprehend" in paragraph three), while other times, you use an incorrect preposition (such as "from" in paragraph eleven which should have been "than"). These are all technicalities, and I understand that it takes a lot of effort on your behalf to write in a language which isn't your native tongue, but if you look up prepositions on the internet, I am sure you can find plenty of articles that will help you. (Of course, you can always just post a topic on here wherein you ask for help with them.)
Nevertheless, you show quite the skill with weaving words together to produce excellent writing. Not only that, but you also seem to be perfectly capable of employing correct punctuation - there are a few mistakes here and there, but for the most part, you handle it very well. I even saw you use the comma instead of brackets, which is a technique I rarely see from people with the background that you described. Well done on that!
If it were up to me, I would say you should continue writing. Everybody starts off a little shakily and uncertain of themselves, but you are off to a very good start. With practice, your writing can become even better than it already is!
Hello friend! I haven't read any of the other chapters, so as far as story critique, I'm afraid you're out of luck. However, I would be more than happy to help you with everything else.
I'm not really feeling it here; Punctuation marks convey emotions, and you seem to be lacking a lot of them throughout your writing. Might wanna watch that. Try "This place is intolerable!" and suchlike.
Try "though it took me a moment." This comes of somewhat awkwardly.
"Comprehend" doesn't really work in this context. The sentence itself is also very awkward and doesn't roll off the tongue well. Perhaps you meant "The food was beyond compare to anything that I'd had" or something.
Slightly redundant. Try "Everyone here adored me, except for Edmund."
Here again I see that you use the word comprehend incorrectly. The word comprehend means to understand, while the word that would be appropriate in this context is "compare" or "substitute", as in "He was trying to come up for a substitute for 'hatred'".
There's a lot of run-on sentencing going on here... Make sure you know where to put proper punctuation! And also... I'm not sure I'm keen on the use of the word "maximum" here. I get what you're trying to say, however it just doesn't slide. Maybe just remove the word altogether, because "very" wouldn't work either. Don't use "very" when you can use another word instead. For example, instead of saying "very sad" say "depressed" or instead of "very angry" you could say "enraged."
Same person, I imagine? You could probably phrase it like "An unknown voice said from behind them".
I think you're off to a good start with this story, and I'd like to keep seeing you write. However, you must work on your punctuation and sentence structure, and learn how to make your prose really hit home. I'm not sure if English is your first language, so this is pretty good.
this review was a real help, thank you for the appreciation and for motivating me in my work. and English is my first language but not my mother tongue and neither a regional language so at time at find difficulty to express my thoughts, however i wrote this novel a long time back when i wad 15 so i hope i can make some improvements now. again i heartily thank you for this review and i would make the corrections as you suggest.