My dark room contained
18 worn out books-
Torn and thumbed, with pages falling apart.
An overused pencil
And me, steeped in the shadows.
.
With time I recovered
And stepped out of the dark world.
I mended my weapons,
Sharpened my skills
And settled all over again, intending to work even harder this time…
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140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hi, here to review!
I would like to point out a couple of errors I found. When you said:
I think that after world, a comma belongs there instead of a period. It seems to me the poem would flow better if it had a comma.
Your last line from your poem was a bit longer than the other ones.
I would suggest breaking this up. Maybe after "again" you could make a new line.
I also found another typo. You should replace "intended" with "intending". Than it will make more sense:
I really like this poem. It's very simple and quick. I would like this poem even better if you had put in a stanza with just the discription of the room. What does it look like? The reader should get to know the poem even better.
The ending really tied the whole poem up. I wouldn't suggest replacing that with any other words... Except the ones I mentioned (if you want to, too).
I hope to see more works from you!
-Sunset101
thank you for this review... i will take care of the points you suggested.
Hi Rit~
You are quite a natural at poetry! I see you've been here for less than a month, and whenever I look at the featured list, one of your poems is on it. You should be so proud of yourself!
Anyway.
Okay, so I'll point out a few nitpicks that I have for you, than I'll note on some broader aspects of your piece. You told @donizback that this is your first time keeping your poem compact with meticulous vocabulary usage? That was great for a first time! But there are a few things you could change to make it even more professional.
You do a pretty good job with keeping the same tense throughout the poem; the only time you really switch tense is in the last line of your poem. "...intended to work even harder this time..." It sounds strange. At least change "intended" to "intending". But otherwise...you could either change the wording a bit, or maybe put quotations around the phrase "work even harder this time"? I don't know. Do what you wish. But I think the tense change kind of throws off the reader.
"And me- steeped in a shadow." Two things with this one. Personally, I think that the hyphen is the wrong form of punctuation there. A comma would sound significantly better, as it would decrease the pause between "me" and "steeped", at least in my mind. Second, I actually believe that while "steeped" is correct word usage in this situation, you should change "in shadow" to "in the shadows" or "in shadows", or even "in my shadow". See how it rolls off the tongue a little bit better? I think it might improve the flow of your poem, but it's just a small suggestion.
"And stepped out of the dark world.". This is wonderful here, but I feel as if changing "out of" to "from" might work better in this instance.
You punctuation in the last stanza is hit-or-miss. Poetry is generally meant to be flexible, and it's your choice whether to use punctuation or not; however, a combination thereof gets a little confusing. If you decide to keep the punctuation, adding a comma after "sharpened my skills" would keep it consistent.
"And settled all over again, intended to work even harder this time..."
I know I already touched on this line. But in disregarding the ending for now, I was slightly confused on that beginning part. You talk about stepping from the dark world and mending your weapons, as if you're ready to fight, and then you "settle"? I don't know...it seems like you're contradicting yourself. Maybe you could make reference to competing in a race, like, "And yet again, I crouch at my mark," or something similar to that, that makes it sounds like you're about to begin instead of resting toward the end of the journey. Just a thought.
I think the ellipsis that concludes your poem is unnecessary. I know that you put it there to symbolize the fact that there's an entire adventure ahead for the narrator, but I think a simple period would dramatize it to counterbalance the lack of the ellipsis.
On a side note, while reading your poem a second time, I noticed you use the word "dark" several times, and considering that this is a short poem, you may want to be careful of repetition.
Okay, so wow. Done with the nitpicks. I'm sorry to scrutinize, I'm just trying to help. Now I'll tell you some of the things I've really enjoyed about your poem (I know, finally).
So in the first stanza, you reference to your room as something of a sanctuary; the place where you write or read, possibly to fantasize a second life for yourself in order to escape the real world. This is wonderful. I love the specific reference to the number of books; it really personalizes your work.
As we move through the end of the first stanza, the reader comes to realize that you spend a lot of time in this sanctuary (when you describe the overused pencil and the books that seem to be falling apart). I love the shadow metaphor and the irony there as we proceed to the second stanza. The narrator refers as their room to the "dark world", the place where they hide from reality, yet it is the real world where you find corruption and villainy.
"I mended my weapons,
Sharpened my skills"
Your intelligence is your only defense. You will now try again, as you have so many times, to face the real world, and try to embrace extroversion. This was really a brilliant work, as it was not only relatable, but written with much feeling.
Magnificent job.
Yours,
Savvy
thank you so much for reading and reviewing my poem thoroughly. i tried to fix a few points that you suggested and your nitpicks were a true help
Want a review? I am here for one now!
Well, a bit different and small piece of work, we have here, from Ritu! It is really good, no doubt. I liked it as I like your previous poems too. It was well and neatly written.
The only issue, I had with this poem is that it was kinda too short, don't you think? Only two stanzas! I really wish every poem should have at least 4-5 stanzas so that the message should be delivered nicely and more comfortably.
The vocabulary used was simple and nice. And @CapitalMonday has already told you some grammatical errors, which I suppose, were the only one in this mini, cute poem of yours.
The punctuation could have been used in a better way! Like after writing "An overused pencil", you could put a comma or a semicolon, maybe! This is just an example. I really hope you improve on the punctuation part of yours which will make your writing even better.
Having said all this, I guess I should keep the review short and simple just like the poem. It was good, no doubt, and I hope to read more of your really cool poems - and also review them
Keep writing and good luck. Have a good day!
Thank you for the appreciation, i actually intentionally kept it short, this is my 1st trial to keep things highly compact and using every word minutely. And i would certainly work on improving my punctuations... Thank you again
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin that this poem has a great message and in the beginning I like how (i think) the books are symbolic to life since some books are torn and thumbed with pages falling apart since sometimes life is torn yet sometimes they could mend.
seems a little confusing. I mean i get it but at the same time it like a bunch of words in a stanza. Maybe example it more or something like that.Nitpick(s):
is don't think you would need that hyphen. It would look the same and sound the same. Also is a little confusing as well. maybe change it to I stepped into the shadows to make more sense.
Overall, I think poem is a well-written poem with a great message; life is like a book, torn and tattered yet sometimes life could be mended with help.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Wow that is so awesome! I enjoy all types of poetry, and when I saw this I really enjoyed it. No matter what happens, don't give up on your dreams. keep your head held high and believe in yourself. If anyone says anything mean, don't listen to them because you are amazing.
Thank you so much.... I feel rather flattered...