Crystal sky,
adorned with pearly clouds,
green gate of vines,
and I walk through it in white.
.
One timid glance by those black eyes,
and the sky was clear no more
Two drops of dark red blood pressed out of my heart,
no one saw, no one cared.
.
Grey clouds, yellow beach, and the purple dusk sea,
I am still all in white, pale as a sheet.
The vivid red roses are still in my grip,
as they gather the crystals of my sorrow.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello, Ashkitten here for a review. I see that other reviewers have touched on most of the grammatical errors, like the misspelling of beech (beach) trough (through) write (white) but I would also like to point out that
Sounds better if it were written
and the sky was clear no more.
It just sounds better and helps the flow. I still feel like you are holding back just a bit, I don't know if it's because you want this poem to hold some mystery, but maybe there is just a little too much mystery. I'm curious to know, what inspired this poem?
Hey, I'm new here and absolutely adore this poem. Your poetry has such great vocabulary and really paints a picture in my mind as I read. Just thought you'd like to know you accidentally misspelled through. That's all the fault I could find this really is a fantastic piece of work and I immensely enjoyed the poem!
Hey.
"and I walk trough it in white." here I think you meant "through". Trough means something else.
"One timid glance of black eyes" I think it should be "One timid glance by the black eyes."
And what do you mean by this line -"Two drops of dark red blood pressed out of my heart" Like how can there be only two drops. If it was a metaphor, it did not work.
"Grey clouds, yellow beech, and the purple dusk sea," It should be "beach" just a typo I guess.
"I am still all in write, pale as a sheet." "white"??
Okay so, it was okay. But there wasn't any link to the topic here. No content. Just a rough draft. Add more.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo