I had to listen to their long speech for hours. In short claimed me the princess of some other planet and that I was to be bestowed with supernatural powers on my 16th birthday. I had been sent to earth for my protection but once I get my powers it would no longer be safe for me to live on earth. As Zaire the enemy of my kingdom was in search of me since my birth, my – well lets call them real parents – found it very hard to keep me safe thus they were forced to abandon me. My father king Harrison died fighting Zaire while my mother came to earth with me leaving behind all her possessions and even her dying husband. But she could be easily identified by Zaire; her staying with me here will surely invite Zaire to take my life! I was to be left alone. On earth she found a couple rushing to emergency for their child birth but unfortunately she was born dead… she offered the couple to have me just on the condition that I will be safe but before they could ask another question she disappeared with streaming tears. They felt pity for me and shocked at their child’s death. They accepted me as god’s gift; but who knew that one day they had to abandon me too.My life had a big change in matter of moments. Yet I couldn't make sure weather it was a dream?
I never knew I am adopted. My parents never seemed foreign. I loved them, I wanted them, I missed them too much… it was hard to believe that I was not their child but I didn't get long to wonder. I was soon told the cause of my presence here. According to the horoscope of Jupiter the princess of Lenure and the prince of Lireé were to fight Zaire the monster with power of darkness. The power that could kill our senses of sight and make an illusion of dark agony and pain; pain that is intolerable- worse than death…
But the only one who could fight her was fire, wind, earth and water. And I was to claim any of these forces but no one could predict which one in particular.
I pleaded Fred and Lean to take me home. Though they didn't object but their silence was enough to tell me that my wish will not be granted at all.
“But I want to see my mummy, I want to see my daddy and Liana and …. Take me back home please take it as my birthday wish”
“Princess we are sorry we can understand how painful and hard it is for you but this is not in our hands. If we let you go home you will not only put yourself but also your dear acquaintances in extreme danger. Zaire already traced your home but as she found it empty she left your parents with just a warning but if we let you go back there then it would be deadly for them. I am sure you would not like our birthday gift to turn your and their last wish. And we can celebrate your birthday here we will do whatever you like; you want a cake? - ”
With that I saw an enormous chocolate cake in Lean’s hand! Under normal circumstances I would have forgotten everything for this delicious looking cake; but at present I was too sad to even wonder how it came so soon from nowhere, it would be impossible for him to hide it on his back for so long; it actually came down from the air. I have to get used to these tricks.
“I want to be alone for some while”
“You can have your time princess Michelle” and with it both of them gave a low bow and dispersed in the air.
.
I saw a tiny bird in the tree; it was bright yellow blazing in the afternoon sun. It reminded me of my own birds- who were now too far; to distant there on earth. I found another bird in that twig- it was sky blue with a black tail, the exact twins of my own birds Eve and Adam. Then as I stepped out of the door I found a bird’s cage. Fred was there to explain me what was going on.
“I thought you were too lonely so I brought your birds, at least they can’t put you in any danger”
I gestured at the open cage and Fred understood my question.
“It felt cruel to imprison such beautiful creatures. How lovely they look in their natural home among the trees and in the open sky. How merry they seem singing in that twig; so I released them but I am sorry if that offended you princess. Do you mind?”
“No. I too love to see them free in their own confines. It looks them too well when they live in the midst of nature. I personally never liked to see them caged. But where am I Fred”
“You are in your planet princess. Once again welcome to zodiac. Your kingdom is 1003 km east from here”
“It seems that I am in garden of paradise; too beautiful to be real, the peace here is too vivid something that one cannot attain mortally. I die here. Rather I came to die here; my life met its end but I love to die here in this paradise I have spent many joyful moments and I never expected life to end so soon but now why to lament its god’s will. It does end in death for sure. How can anyone expect that I would… fight the evil and win” with that I couldn’t speak anymore, my voice was obstructed by the lump in my throat and tears rolled down my lids… it ends here; in this paradise I step to eternity…
“Princess please don’t shed tears. Life is too beautiful to end too soon and it will be more beautiful here I promise” even Fred had tears in his eyes but he managed to speak without any trouble “Your mother; Queen Rosalie dies every moment to see you. She has been waiting for 16 long years do you think she died here even with that strong pain of separation from her child. No she lived for you for your future. Such talk of yours would upset her princess when she comes to see you. She will soon be here in a couple of days, presently she is busy making this place as safe as possible. This amazing island doesn't exist the map, thus, no one can trace you here. You are safe princess and we are here for you, always.”
“I want to be alone for some while; all things are too weird here I need some time to get things correct though I still doubt that you have chosen the wrong person”
“You can have your privacy…”
And again he disappeared.
There were many new questions arising in my mind but I could not manage to spit them out.
I saw something moving in the bushes, thinking it to be my birds I went running. I was dying for someone whom I could call my own.
I heard a gargling sound of flowing water, there must be a stream behind the bushes. I was wanting some refreshment too as I was exhausted with the continuous sobbing; even I needed to wash my face as it felt too sticky. But as soon as I got there about a bucket of water fell over my head.
A boy about a year or two elder than me stood by the narrow stream with an exciting gesture- he held his hands in air as if he was carrying an invisible object. He burst out laughing seeing my condition he said “Best use of powers. Yippee! I got control over my powers, now bow to me as I am the prince Edmund”
My mouth opened out wide seeing him enjoy my wretched condition and knowing that he is the one responsible behind it. I shouted “what the hell do you think yourself. I am also the princess here you saucy lackey” with that I turned and yelled “Fred Lean please help me there is an intruder, someone push him out he claims to be the prince!”
Fred and Lean were there laughing at my audacity. “Princess you can go change; your cloths are in the cupboard of your room. I hope you would love them-” and Lean cut him in the mid sentence. “Prince you should learn to behave your manners are deploring day by day. Magical powers are a huge responsibility; they are not for playing and harassing others, it would be better if you understand it Prince. She is already frantic to be away from her family on earth, she is new here unknown of her powers. She didn’t even spend an hour here and you started playing pranks on her! You should be ashamed Edmund, come apologize to her”
“Who is she that I should apologize to? I am the prince here, it don’t suit me lowering my prestige to this girl. Look at her- at least now she looks clean she indeed needed this cleanup” and he again burst into another fit of laughter.
I could imagine how I looked. I was sure that by the long hours of sobbing my eyes and nose must become red. And due to the water my hairs were surely looking horrible. But I hated to hear my insult.
A shiver of anger ran down my spine I was concentrating hard on the fancy prince then suddenly he jumped up! A handful of his hairs started burning! Everyone became alert at once and poured water on this head too. This time I was the one who enjoyed the sight too much and I was thankful to whoever did that.
“Princess you have the power of fire” said Fred.
“what! Did I do that?”
“Yes indeed” said Lean.
“But how? I didn’t use any spell”
And both Fred and Lean passed a smile.
“We will explain that later, now it would be better if you change your cloths princess or else you will catch cold”
“How dare you burn me! I will take revenge” and with that he disappeared.
Chapter 3
“This place is intolerable” I shouted as loud as I could. “Arrogant prince, insane magicians calling me their princess; I want to go home”
But no one was there to hear me. All left me as I had directed them to go. I was in the beautiful garden in midst of nature; beautiful as it was but my enemy now was solitude. I was too anxious to get someone I knew (by that I meant someone I could call my own; from earth- may be mom, dad anyone with whom I could feel secured). But no one paid any heed to me, to my desperate longing.
Though I had to notice, this place was very luxurious. Meals were served in shining gold and silver tapestries and I couldn’t comprehend the food to any tastier food I ever had. All adored me here, all- except one though, Edmund, loved me. I spent most time either roaming in the garden or thinking about my family when steeped in my room. It was surprising no one spoke about my training; probably they wanted me to get accustomed first. About two days passed hence then my life took another new turn!
While taking a walk in the garden I found Lean and Fred in one corner talking to a lady dressed in a luxurious gown- the ones worn by the queens in the movies. It was dark blue and her pale olive toned skin glowed in the bright reddish light of the dawn, it seemed as if the dying sun cast its last sparkle on her face enhancing her beauty. Her curly golden blond hair was tied in a bun but many ringlets were left free. She skin turned orange in the sunlight.
“We are trying out best but yet Princess Michelle seems too looks to lonely not a bit at ease, she is taking longer to calm down to normal than we expected. Well we can’t blame her, the prince was here since birth and at least knew magic exists but she is completely unknown of the secrets that ruled this place. We are having a tough time trying to keep her happy- well at least not sad that that I should say”
Fred didn’t allow lean to lament for long “But the good thing is that she has realized her power. She is the Fire- very special and powerful one indeed.” Fred met Leans glance and they passed a smile “Though this realization came through a funny incident, but the prince is too arrogant and considers her mistake his disrespect. Well they are … not so close” I could sense that he was trying to come up with more appropriate word to comprehend hatred.
“I will take care of my daughter. She will understand and for Edmund, well he needed someone to burst his bubble of pride. Recently I have noticed that the kid has become too arrogant he needs a good punishment”
“But Queen how will-” Lean stopped mid-sentence finding me behind as he turned. He changed the topic “Oh hey Princess! Queen, there’s our sweet princess.”
“Oh! My child, I love you come at once to me.” I threw a questioning glance to Fred.
“She’s your mother princess, our Queen Rosalie”
The queen continued “It was horrifying for he to live this long time without you, the moments seemed like years. Dying would have been easier from the separation of the mother from her child. I found it too hard to keep up my determination and fighting my desperate urge to come hold you in my arms. But I wanted you to be safe and I am successful, everything is going according to the horoscope. My sweet baby come to me” she held her arms open- may be this was what I actually needed a hug from my mother someone who could comfort me, help me to adjust, someone own; though I had seen her for the first time but she seemed oddly familiar, as is I had never gone apart. I drifted in her arms.
But as soon as she touched me my eyed blinded by a bright light! As my eyes adjusted I found myself in a beautiful hill. A huge palace built on the top of it- it was too elegant and furnished with marble and stained glass. A beautiful glass dome on the top made up of colored glass. But suddenly the light was gone. A dark cloud covered the sky and darkness descended on the beautiful palace. There I saw the lady- Queen Rosalie, my mother! I was shocked at the face that she seemed just exactly of the same age! Well my anxiety was soon overlapped with the scene. My mother was running away from the palace with an infant baby in her arms. Inside the palace I found another lady who was surrounded by complete darkness, the darkness seemed to emerge from her! She had charcoal black curly disarrayed hair. Her eyes were a mysterious black without any glow; she was even dressed in full black.
A strong man, I imagined he might be the king, was fighting her. I noted my mother to trespass them with the child. She held her close in her arms as if it was her precious jewel, one she could not sacrifice for anything…
I heard a loud wail as the king was groaning with pain. But Queen didn’t look back, she kept running.
Then the image dispersed and I returned to the garden in my mother’s arms as she spoke “my motherly instinct prevented he that day from stopping and mourning at your father’s death. I knew that you were our only hope, I couldn’t spare your life too at any cause.” Tears rolled down her eyes and she found it hard to speak so she just hugged me tighter.
After a while she continued “I love you my child, I sacrificed everything for you. I wouldn’t ever let you go…”
Lean and Fred felt it better to leave us alone so they disappeared without even interrupting to ask permission.
“But why me? I mean why the peace and security of this world rests on me, a mere 16 years old girl. I think all have massively mistaken. I have not got any extraordinary-”
She cut me in the middle, “You are no ordinary teen my dear. You are my daughter, the princess of Lenure, that’s not at all ordinary.” She waited a while then affection enrolled her face “Be patient Michelle, you will get all your answers” she turned around and called for Fred and asked them to arrange a bonfire.
A bonfire! That sounded interesting, was it a general welcoming ceremony or a time for some more of those scary stories…
.
Everyone here (well atleast all whom I knew) were present at this bonfire seated around the blazing flame. My mother sat right beside me, other seats were taken by Lean, Fred, Edmund( though he sat as far from me as possible intently staring at the blazing light, his face was completely composed; it looked as if he was thinking something thorough), and there were two of the other men Jack and Sofia.
Once all were seated Fred started the conversation. “It is a pleasure to have you with us Michelle; we have been waiting for you since long. But now it is time for us to answer your questions.” Bull’s eye- I was correct; this was story time...
“There are some old tales you need to know, a glimpse of the magic that rules our place. This tales are passed on in the royal family from generation to generation. No one can tell the exact year or the period when this tradition started but all know when it will end.” At once all the eyes were pinned on me and Edmund.
“About a million years ago our kingdom was the strongest kingdom of zodiac”
“Our king lord Antony was very generous and kind hearted one who grew restless at the slightest sorrow of his subjects, one who never inflicted any enemy. His son Matthew was more precious to him than anything else. The king could withstand any pain but not that suffered by his son. But the weakness of lord Antony was the perilous advantage to Matthew. His greed for power grew stronger than his affection for his old father. He planned to undertake the kingdom, to take the complete power and prestige in his hand. In such immature state of mind he planned to kill his father and fulfill his aim. Foolish boy! If he would have asked his father would have happily died for him”
“But Matthew lacked both means and strategy to accomplish his task. He could not find any alley who would help him betray his father. It left him no way but to step in the canal of darkness- the land of Zaire.” Just the name sent a cold shiver down my spine, her image flashed in my mind.
“Zaire was maximum envious of lord Antony so she readily accepted Matthew’s proposal given she would be gifted the reward she wanted on success. The reckless prince accepted it easily; he didn’t know her evil mind.”
“Matthew was just 15 and maximum ambitious. But being so young he had no knowledge of the magic which ruled over our world. He had no experience of its strength and no idea that he was going to be a traitor to his own world.”
“No knowledge of what is crime
No knowledge of what is fair
No knowledge of what’s holy
And no knowledge who is a lire.
He imagined him as the king on thrown
With strength, power insane and tranquil
He imagined being the supreme of all
No knowledge that Zaire was evil”
Utter horror washed through every face. It was followed by a moment of silence. From here Lean continued-
“Lord Antony was gifted the power of foretelling the future by lord Jupiter which had been bestowed on him for his honesty and generosity. When he came to know his son’s treachery he was spellbound. But he bore no anger to his son but concern.”
“His son was minor to get the knowledge of dark spells; there was no way to explain him the dark magic of Zaire. So he prayed to lord Jupiter to save his son by any means.”
“But fate had more sufferings left for the prince. As soon as his task was accomplished Zaire asked for her gift “I want the kingdom and your life” she greeted the words with her sarcastic laugh. Horror swept the prince’ face, the laughter echoed in the empty hall. No one could help him. No one…”
“He attempted to run but the poor boy was entrapped and left dumb, deaf and blind.”
“Then a bright light filled the entire palace and lord Jupiter emerged from the midst of brightness. “Don’t dare to hurt the boy or you will be killed”. Zaire stared wide eyed at him “You will kill me for doing justice. This notorious youth had killed his father. He ought to die, so let me serve his death.”
“With that she tore the lame body of the prince into pieces.”
““Your punishment will not be served by me as Matthew deserved death. But you deserve a worse death than him who influenced this minor kid by your black magic to rebel against his father so that you could envelop this world with your dark intentions. Past will repeat itself, your child will die and your family disrupted. Your solitude will be your punishment. You will live a million and fifty years but death will cast its cold shadow in form of prince of Lireé and princess of Lenure”
“With these words Jupiter disappeared. Lord never made another appearance till date”
“But all his sayings are proved correct. Zaire’s son Jake intended to kill you even before your birth but your father couldn’t let that happen”
“Zaire took her revenge on your father king Harrison and I hope you know the rest. Your mother has the power of making a person visualize whatever she desires, but Zaire has the same power but she is much stronger.”
“You have the power of fire, our prince the power of ice. You both are predestined to defeat the evil. We are awaiting Fiana the daughter of king of Stolen to turn 16. She would be very strong once she learns control of her power. We can guess she would either have the power of wind or earth”
“And I am ready to fight too”- said an unknown voice.
“Hello I am Stepinie, the elder daughter of king of Stolon. I have the power of earth.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Want me to review it? I am here for one. So, what are you waiting for? Let's dig in!
And yeah! I don't have internet on here right now so I am just writing all this and post it as soon as I get some internet.
Did you edit your work as per the recommendations of Arctarie? Because if you did, half of the stuff I would have said here is now useless.
The lack of the use of punctuation was really not what I expect you have done. It is something really basic and I don't expect you to make such mistakes.
Overall, I think it is a good story. I didn't get a chance to read chapter 1 of it but this one really seems good so I might, just might, be going back to search for chapter 1 and read it and stick to your story until you have posted everything.
You know how good you area at writing and I see you getting better after every piece you write. Well done! You are doing an amazing job.
One nitpick! You should capitalize the first letter of the world "Earth". Show some respect to the place we belong to. lol
Well, not gonna make you bored by writing a lot on here. I
I’m just going to put some things that I believe would sound/flow better for the first paragraph that can be applied throughout the chapter.
Parentheses are the changes I’d suggest. Ellipses are cause I don’t feel like writing it all out.
“In short(, they) claimed me (as)…”
“As Zaire(,) the enemy of my kingdom(, has been searching for) me. My - …”
“ keep me safe(,) thus…”
“My father(,) King Harrison, died fighting Zaire(. While) …”
“But she could (easily be) identified…”
“ to take my life(.)”
“unfortunately (the child died during birth.)”
^ This has a couple different ways it could be changed.
“She offered (me to the couple on the condition I was to be safe,) but …”
“ and (were shocked by) their …”
“ as (G)od’s gift…”
“they (would have to) …”
“My life (changed) …”
“(whether)…”
Something I would look out for is changes in tense. Such as “I never knew I am adopted” since the story is past tense it would be “ I never knew I was adopted”.
Commas are something that are missing from a good amount of your longer sentences. They really help break up long sentences and make stories a lot easier to read.
I believe titles, such as Prince, Princess, and any others are capitalized.
Something I have a problem with is flow, jumping from one thought to another without connecting or finishing the previous thought. This makes for very choppy reading and causes the reader to do a lot more work organizing the authors own thoughts. This can get frustrating quickly and turn readers off.
I find reading over sections multiple times can really help solve this. If you try reading from someone else's view and can’t follow what is going on, then you’re probably missing something to help flow everything together.
Overall I really like the premise of the story,with a little work on the flow this will be really good.
thank you so much and i would certainly edit my work as you suggest