[ This poem just came out as a flow of my emotions, I am really not sure how well I could express it, please let me know if I could touch the correct chords ]
If you have ever loved someone
And received only pain through that love
Did you stop loving them?
Did you turn around to walk out of that dark door
Getting lose in hazy fog,
And never return?
Did you spend your nights crying and wailing
But never dreamed of your lover again?
.
If you have done that then you were wrong.
.
True love is worth any pain, I swear.
Express your rage but not by shedding painful tears.
Store it and let it be your power
Bear the pain and en-cash it with skill.
Face him, not by your back but your beaming pride,
Speak the pain through your eyes, but express it with grace.
Cherish your love, and dream of him-
Let him feel the strong pull towards your heart.
If your love had the capacity to fix your heart broken
Your lover will return hearing your thoughts unspoken...
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
First off, forget what the others users told you to elaborate on your ideas. That's b******* (excuse my language, but seriously?). Anyways, the first stanza was beautiful, and I wanted to marry it. I related to it beyond belief...
And then the next stanza hit.
Okay girl, where were you going with it? It was beautiful without the rhyming and suddenly you took a turn for the not-so-great. I would honestly just fix the random rhyming in the second stanza (or modify the first stanza to rhyme...((I wouldn't do that)) because I think that for a rhyme to be done well, it should have substantial meaning behind it). Either way, this was great. I can totally relate with you on the "letting your emotions mess with your writing" but I think it was for the better in this case. Good job.
yes i think the rhythm killed the sense too and many other suggested the same error. i would rather amend it right now. please give a reading to it after that and send me a comment
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on how the beat of this poem gives itself a well-written view of it, and how people could relate to this poem as we all have bee through something where someone has broke our heart and sometimes we would cry, but in this poem someone (or maybe you) have just stopped thinking about him or her.
this part of the stanza seemed a little confusing since i think that it might mean that don't let the sadness show in your tears since the tears are the way of telling if you are upset. i still think it a well-written line in this poem.Nitpick(s):
i would think you might need to add an common right before -not and after him since you are done with that sentence and need to add a breath or something.
Through and through i believe that this poem could relate to everyone since there could be someone in someone's life that when they leave them, that sorrow starts to wonder into their soul and take over. However, in most cases like this one, people would hold in their tears and let it out at the person that they thought they have loved
Spoiler
Anyway, my friend with through the same problem and blew up at school in front of everyone.. i helped her out of course, afterwards.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
thank you for the appreciation, please read the previous reply to know the significance of " tear" and i want to keep the rage burning in and use it as a fuel to success, be it his return or my career, that is what the protagonist feels. i would certainly work on the punctuation. thank you again...
Rituparna
Hi there!
I enjoyed reading this poem! I like the way you describe love, even though personally--though I have experienced this 'pain' you speak of, though maybe on a different level; I loved her very dearly--I don't consider it worth it. That could be because mine never amounted to anything, and also my opinions on how people dig themselves deeper until they forget what love was, but it's all in the person. Still a gorgeous poem!
I was a little confused as of to why you started rhyming... sort of... in the last stanza? Is that a personal choice, or unintended? To me, it sort of looked like you were trying to convey something by leaving out rhymes, but I wasn't sure if that was just me being all poet-ey or what. xD
Also, in this line: "Let it flow but not in your tear." I reread it several times, but 'tear' didn't make much sense. Am I reading it wrong, or was it a typo, or something like that?
That was about it for nitpicks, though! I really loved this
I do want to warn not to endure ANY pain for 'true' love. While love can be beautiful and lovely while it lasts, anything human can be corrupted. So... just... don't, like, endure ridiculous, harsh stuff or anything. Its hard to explain it, but if you ever feel heavy, it might not be what it once was, and what it is now might not be worth it. Just a word of advice.
Keep writing! Let me know if you post any more poetry; I'll be glad to review it for you
thank you for the positive comments and for the piece of advice. the poem's rhythm is bound to be noted and it is intentional- in the first half the poem is leading toward a wrong direction. things that only make some one messy and untuned [ that is why i used blank verse] but when i tell what is right the words flow by themselves and then it get lyrical, the word tear is symbolically a teardrop that we spend at someones loss, it is in connection to the 1st stanza. and i know love, i know how strong love is and even how painful it is. i wouldn't have bothered to share any boreing detail of my personal life but i appreciate your concern so its just that the love of my life, i love him so dearly that i don't think i can use a past tense with love, broke up with me today [ over phone as now we live 700 km apart] after a 4 year relation telling that he is too messed in his life to be in a relationship any more. now i hope you get my poem better....
Oh, sweet mercy, I am so sorry!!
I didn't mean to force you to bring that back up... I know how painful saying goodbye is, so that must have been awful. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me anytime; I'm almost always available!
I can't wait to see what else you come up with!
And your writing really is beautiful
Hello RituparnaBhowmik,
Kay here!
First of all, I really love your concept of this phase of love.(Which is undeniably a part of everyones lives'). I totally understand your idea behind this topic. However, some parts of your poem just didn't seem to connect. By reading your first stanza I thought your poem was a non-rhyming poem, but as read on further, I found a few lines which were rhyming sentences!
Try and complete each idea that you introduce. (Elaborate a bit more on each). Bring out the true feelings that are buried deep down in your heart. I know you can do it!
Watch your grammar and I think careful selection of words can make your poem even more emotional. Frankly, I kind of got confused whilst reading your poem because the start of your poem gives me the being-in-a-relationship kind of feeling, but later on I got to find out that it was a bit of heart-breaking poem. The end is where I really got confused because I think according to me was kind of like a clash-of-ideas. (but I understand your concept-No doubt)
By the way, remember, the first word of each line SHOULD be capitalized. Punctuation is the most important point and should always be kept in mind while writing.
Anyways LOVE your idea and just a bit of polishing up, and you are in the right track to becoming a wonderful poet......
All the best and Good luck from Kay....
actually i myself was a bit worked out while writing this so may be that affected my work, however the lyrical scheme has a significance- in the 1st half the person is making a mistake - life is disoriented and prosaic[blank verse] later i guide then to the right way to encash their llove, not by letting it all go but burning it as a fuel to your destination. when one is broken they mustn't show it , no one likes a depressed person. instead if they laugh at the face of the one who has caused them utter pain may be that can't cause some remorse to him and he might return if the situations and love allow
thank you so much for pointing out some flaws and i would try some editing and corrections
actually i myself was a bit worked out while writing this so may be that affected my work, however the lyrical scheme has a significance- in the 1st half the person is making a mistake - life is disoriented and prosaic[blank verse] later i guide then to the right way to encash their llove, not by letting it all go but burning it as a fuel to your destination. when one is broken they mustn't show it , no one likes a depressed person. instead if they laugh at the face of the one who has caused them utter pain may be that can't cause some remorse to him and he might return if the situations and love allow
thank you so much for pointing out some flaws and i would try some editing and corrections