The breeze whistled with chilly gusts,
the fire was burning low.
I paced the fire with fuel and dust,
striving hard to revive its glow.
I tried every wood and coal,
although scarce I could gather.
My fate at times arose my soul,
at times it did aid, at others shatter.
I heaped up the burnt ashes of death,
the glory and pride of birth.
Faces crossed me that once laughed and wept,
often betrayed by sorrow and mirth.
I saw myself among the men that past
fighting the same struggle of life.
The breeze still continued its merciless gusts,
yet I will fight, day and night, till my fire survive...
[ This poem is fully metaphorical ]
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey there Kat here to review for you on this splendid review day! Go Team WHY?
Firstly, tenses.
"I paced the fire with fuel and dust,
strive hard to revive its glow."
paced and strive don't match up . Try striving or I strive just to make it less awkward . In the last line I know it's supposed to be metaphorical but survive should probably be survives. Now, what exactly is the a metaphor for ? Hopefulness am I right ?
Also, looking at niteowls review, solid advice and I will try not to repeat anything from there . I loved how you described how this person is now alone and doesn't know what to do but has survived a horrible ordeal and must continue fighting, s/he just must ... it's really inspirational that way .
So just o back make some minor fixes with tenses and typos et cetra and you are good to go.
Keep on keeping on!
~Kat
thank you for this review. and by the word paced i meant ignited, or speeded up. for further reference please check my reply on niteowl's post. thank you again for reviewing and please keep reviewing my poems.
Hi there RitupharmaBhowmik! Niteowl here for Team Why this fine Review Day!
Overall, I think you have a lot of good imagery here. The rhyming, while it could be improved, actually flows pretty well.
Where I think this poem could be strongest is in the word choice and grammar. I'll point out a few examples, though I may not have time to cover everything.
first line--should say "around the fire" but that ruins the flow.
second line--should be "striving hard" but also messes with flow
Suggested rewrite: "I covered the fire with fuel and dust/straining to revive its glow." You could play the verbs here, but I think "pace" is a weak verb that could be replaced.
first line--did you mean "scarce"? This line is awkward as written.
second line--"fete" means "a lavish often outdoor entertainment", which makes no sense here. Perhaps you meant "fate" (like destiny), but that also seems odd.
third line--this rhyming is forced, but I don't have any suggestions. Think about what you meant by "fete" and see if there isn't a better word here.
Should be "passed". Also doesn't really rhyme with "gusts".
Should be "survives".
Overall, I like the imagery here of the fire as a metaphor for life and death. I think you could go over your wording and make it even better. Keep writing!
thank you, your review was very helpful. by the word " paced" i meant ignited, or rather burned it brighter, comparing it with a car that just increased its seeped i.e. paced. and by past i mean the men who are now a tale of past- ones who are dead by being or by soul.i hope now you get what i tried to mean here.and again i made the rest of the amendments and please keep reviewing my poems as i really need your valued reviews.
Hello there RituparnaBhowmik! Celtic Thunder's number one fan here to review your work. Selina works to since saying all that is kinda long =P
First off I just wanted to say that this poem was really good and deserves a lot more attention. Your rhyming was really good! A lot of poetry writers don't really know how to do good rhyming. You do, which is a great talent! Keep writing! Your great!
(This sucks , I did a big review and it didn't auto save. The internet quit and I lost it all....now I can't remember what I said *cries*)
~Selina
thank you for the appreciation. if you remember any cons that you noticed please let me know
The rhyming came nicely, but also a little forced. When I was reading this I could feel your emotions, but at the same time not. This sounds really confusing...um, let me put it this way. Something felt like it was missing in the translation. You described what she was seeing, and some of what she was thinking. How about how she was feeling? Like if she was sad, or happy. In poems a lot of people forget to portray this kind of behavior. It was very nice too. I want to be the first to congratulate you on this poem. It was very well written, and flowed smoothly. Definitely something that I couldn't do. I really suck at rhyming...Besides the point though. You did a very good job. I think it was beautiful, and would love to read more anytime. Good job, and may you find a four-leaf clover on your way home today.
~Laelle