A crown is studded with diamond chips,
and a gold pin to fit well in your head.
It may weigh heavy, and price to a fortunate
as reason say it must be.
When I owned one, it stressed my shoulders,
to run a race of humanity.
To fear the fall, and fight the lust
and yet show mercy and pity.
But then the ugly befell...
I stumbled and fell, right before the devils foot.
It grabbed me by my arm,
twisted it at my back.
Dragged me to the seller,
it seized my crown and with it my strands of golden hair.
Thus, as i said-
a crown weighs heavy and goes to the fortunate,
though in it's golden clips one may still see
strands to one and all who it did upset.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
hi. prithamrittika is here for a review. firstly I want to tell you I am very bad in writing reviews. I like horrible things and your poem is about horror. so I like your poem. you show the horrible things in your poem. in this poem the crown is the main horrible thing. in your poem through the crown a devil punished the person and a devil do some horrible things with the person of the poem. I like horrible poems and I like your poem. you are a verry good writer and your all poems and storys are beautiful and nice. like all your poems it is also very nice.
kerp writing like this.....
Hey there! I think you have a cool idea for a bigger picture symbol, but I'll admit that like fortis, I got a bit lost. From what I gathered, (and let me know if I'm off
), the poem is about how a crown seems beautiful, but it has a power that can burden its wearer. I would agree with this, but I'm still feel that this could go deeper. You set up a nice foundation for a solid poem, you can just expand upon it to make it go the extra mile!
I feel that the word "befell" is out of place. It just doesn't flow with the rest of the poem. I was reading and I got to that particular line and I had to pause for a moment to comprehend the word. I would substitute it for something else, or if that doesn't work, play around with the wording it that line. Also, the next line has fell and that makes the poem sound redundant almost. Read it aloud, I'm sure you'll get what I mean!
Overall, nice job. Work on strengthening that symbol of the crown and I think you have a nice poem! Keep on writing!
Hello!
I think this was an interesting concept, and I think I can almost grasp what you were trying to say in it, but I'm still a little lost in the metaphor.
It all sounded very dramatic, which I think fit the subject.
There were a lot of grammatical errors in this. For example, you have inconsistent capitalization, a misused "it's" in the second-to-last line, and other things. Let me know if you want all the grammar critiqued. I'm sure if you just go over it very carefully you can get all the little problems. Try reading it out loud, that may help.
I like the story here, but I wish the metaphor was a bit more clear. What does the crown represent? I'm sure it represents something!
I like the images you use here too, but again, the metaphor is lost on me.
I think by clearing up the metaphor and fixing the grammar, you could have a really nice poem here.
Keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions!
~fortis