Everyone was dumbfounded by the reply. How could it happen that someone would simply come in such a protected island and claim to have the power of earth!
After some hesitation queen Rosalie broke the silence, “But where from? How did we miss you? I never heard that Stolon had two princesses… ”
“I was also sent in earth with your daughter, your highness. But my powers came before the expected age. I was found by one of your men as I tried to find my answers”
“By whom my dear we are only very few and all of us are present here” said my mother.
Stepinie looked behind and suddenly the darkness of the night was mitigated by a wholesome bright light. From the midst of the brightness emerged a man. He was the divine portrait- the most holy figure I could ever imagine!
At once all (except me) knelt down and Fred continued “Lord Jupiter you are here”
“I couldn’t let such a power to die. She is fully prepared now… I rely the responsibility to fight the evil on you. I expect you will emerge victorious”- with it he disappeared and the bright light was lost in the haze of dusk.
“But Stepinie why did they sent you to earth while your sister is still here?”- I couldn’t help my inquisition.
“Well they didn’t. I had my powers since I was 5 and I was lost in the forest beside my house. I found no way out and I was tired and couldn’t step ahead. No doubt that soon I fell senseless. When I opened my eyes I was in another world, your world. It was then that this man found me” she hesitated a bit then continued “Though I used to call him Salvatore… I had no idea that he is the lord himself. I have heard all the stories about the powers but never came to know he is the very lord Jupiter!”
Now as I examined Stepinie I found she was as much foreign to this place and this people as I was. I had to admit she was too pretty with the golden ringlets of her hair enhancing the brightness of her ivory toned face. She was slightly taller than I was. Her black eyes were a contrast to her skin tone. When I looked carefully I found a trace of brown in them quite like the menacing black ones of Zaire. She wore a crimson royal gown with yellow laces making elegant design; yes, she needn’t introduce herself to let us know she was a princess!
…
I learned that there is no particular spell that one needs to use, but only that one should have the mental concentration. Well I was too weak at that-
I sat there for two hours and nothing burned except my patience.
Well how could I concentrate with Edmund and Stepinie chatting and giggling so loud all the time? I thought of taking a stroll by the river for refreshment. Besides the stream it felt chilly and the mild breeze was comforting.
Suddenly the water was reaching for me! It engulfed me! It was too cold almost icy; I could feel it engulfing me and it formed a chilly capsule around me. It grew colder and colder. Oh! It was freezing cold and I was unable to move !
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Okay! So this was really confusing. You posted chapter 2 and chapter 3 combined and later, you broke chapter 3 from chapter 2 and posted it as an independent chapter. That was quite a bit of a trick there and you succeeded to made me think I am gone crazy while reviewing so many different things in a go.
And this is what I call a perfect size of a chapter. This is how long it should be. It didn't take me too long to read it and I loved reading it because I knew it was short. Longggggggg chapters tend to make me feel sleepy sometimes!
Thanks to Barbilo, who again helped me! Because of him/her, I don't have to nitpick all those small grammatical errors. So I would say, you did a really good job as compared to what you did in chapter 2 of the story.
May I know why are you not writing this story anymore? It seems really good to me and I am sure you know you want to continue! So take a chance and post the chapters on a weekly basis. Do keep me updated regarding this and I'd review them for you
My favorite part of this story was that ending paragraph! I really hope you'll complete chapter 5 and post it here. I can wait to read what happens next. The suspense you created at the end is what you need at every end of your chapter.
Keep writing. I look forward to see more of your amazing stuff. Good luck!
Hello Ritu,
Barbs here for a review. You have a great fantasy here. I love the way the main character relates to Stepini, the queen and Lord Jupiter.
Here are a few things you have to pay attention to though: Punctuation and grammar.
- The first sentence should be a question mark,
[ How could it happen that someone would simply come in such a protected island and claim to have the power of earth! ]
Try:
[ How could it happen that someone would simply come in such a protected island and claim to have the power of earth? ]
- here you forgot the full stop.
[ “I was also sent in earth with your daughter, your highness. But my powers came before the expected age. I was found by one of your men as I tried to find my answers” ]
Try:
[ “I was also sent to earth with your daughter, your highness. But my powers came before the expected age. I was found by one of your men as I tried to find my answers.” ]
- You forgot the comma,
[ “By whom my dear we are only very few and all of us are present here” said my mother. ]
Try:
[ “By whom my dear we are only very few and all of us are present here,” said my mother. ]
- There is no need to put a sentence in brackets because you're the story teller.
[ At once all (except me) knelt down and Fred continued “Lord Jupiter you are here”]
Try:
[ At once all, except me, knelt down.
Fred continued, “Lord Jupiter you are here.” ]
- There is no need to put a dash ( - ) after a sentence.
e.g:
[ I expect you will emerge victorious”- with it he ...
while your sister is still here?”- I couldn’t help my inquisition. ]
Try:
[ while your sister is still here?” I couldn’t but inquire. ]
- I think the story would be better if you didn't explain the back story in the dialogue like here.
[ “Well they didn’t. I had my powers since I was 5.... ]
- The final paragraph has too many exclamation marks, it is over-used. Don't use exclamation marks unless someone is shouting.
You've got a good story and I felt that this chapter was too short. Keep writing.
I'm guessing Edmund is screwing with her again. This was good and I saw no misspelled words. Looking forward to the next chapters.