I sat and saw the beauty above,
The delicacy of nature, her whims and her love.
I saw dark clouds swallowing the sunlight,
It did hinder but failed to obstruct any birds flight.
[And I failed to learn my lesson from natures magnificent sight].
.
I heaved tired and cold...
My dreams were feeble, my miseries untold.
My trembling hope had already drowned
Chocking and sighing, but no one heard its sound.
[I headed in the misty fog without turning around].
.
I found myself on a cliff bold and tall,
Ready to sacrifice all... ready to fall.
I tore the stings of life, I stooped low,
I stepped towards my destruction... trembling and slow....
[I was deaf to the cries that called me from below]
.
A gentle stroke and a stone fell down
Making ripples for a moment , a tiny water crown.
Then it succumbed, wailed and drowned,
In the next moment it was gone leaving no trace... with no sound.
[I had to decide, whether to move on or turn around]
.
It achieved the glory of one tiny moment
And then in oblivion its memories were blend.
The tears dry in the course of time
In time's blow all remembrances do sublime.
[Then, I finally made that decision prime]
.
I shuddered at loosing at loosing a gift so vast,
At a slim shadow or storm's forecast.
I retreat and returned from that fall,
As i could hear my precious life's call.
[That was my encounter at the cliff bold and tall].
I would like to provide some explanation to the theme -specially the 2nd last stanza-when we die [ be it natural or suicidal] it creates a buzz, people cry for us and they recall your memories... but for how long? Life moves on and pushes our folks along their way, they find new works to do and new troubles to deal with- while we are there stagnant in a moment forever. That moment of glory passes too soon and heads for oblivion...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi! Amddog here for a review!
So I hate giving negative reviews so I hope none of this is hurtful.
I have a few nitpicks.
You used "hope" twice in the same stanza. XD It's okay it just bothers me. In the line "I heaved tired and cold..." What did you heave? Did you heave a sigh? Or did you just puke because as I re-read it I think that might be what you meant. I'm not terribly good at reviews so I'm pretty sure this is it! Keep up the good work!
~Amddog
Hey there!
A nice thing to wake up to. (in my timezone, anyways...)
I really liked this poem!
I have only a few nitpicks, the first of which has been mentioned from what I read of the other reviews. You use 'hope' two times in a row in the second stanza... I do that a lot with the word 'the'; it drives me crazy! xD
Also, for some reason, I had to reread this line: "I heaved tired and cold..." over quite a few times to get the meaning of it, and then started reading the poem over because I had lost the rhythm. That could just be me being picky--as I often am in the mornings, unfortunately, so I apologize in advance--but I just thought I would mention it.
Also, the last line you had in brackets was the only one in bold... any particular reason for that? I wasn't sure if that was accidental or intentional...
That was about it for nitpicks, though. I do want to mention that I haven't seen someone use brackets in poetry in almost five years, so that was both memory-jogging and interesting to read. It didn't bother me though, especially since it added to the rhyme scheme and didn't disrupt the flow or anything like that.
I loved the imagery and word choice you used! Very beautiful and eye-grabbing. Considering how hard it is to get me to focus in the mornings, I was able to completely absorb myself in your writing and enjoy myself, so wonderful job on that! You write some very good poetry, my friend
I hope you keep writing/posting more works! I'll definitely try to circle around and read them
thank you so much for this encouragement. i did the corrections as you all suggested and i am really bad at spellings and punctuation- so please do nitpick to let me know the mistakes. for the last line- yes the bold letters are intentional and they bring the poem back in a circle and show how it way just a close encounter and not the end. however i would like to know if you suggest i make them normal italics as the rest of the brackets...
Not a problem at all! You're a pretty good writer; I enjoy seeing new poets pop up with some talent. It's refreshing to see someone pay attention to details
Now that you've explained it, I think the bold at the end should be fine
You're doing great!!
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin that the end rhymes in this poem makes this poem well written and gives itself a beat when being read. Also how the tone plays a key point in this story as you wonder what will the person do or something.
I don't think that you need -hope twice in this story (or maybe you do and didn't use the correct punctuation). Maybe put a comma after the first hope or my trembling hope was already drowning since i don't think you would need those two hopes in that stanza.Nitpick(s):
i think that this stanza here is a little confusing since i have no idea who memories it might be. Maybe describing this more for people (like me).
Capitalize the -i.
Overall, this poem is like a story. Since in the beginning, the person was looking at the nature, hearing the sights and sounds while remembering they had to meet death (i think).
But at the end, they reside since if they fall to their death, their memories was fall with them too.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
thank you for the appreciation but i think you didn't really get what i wanted to mean. perhaps i have to explain it at the end in a bracket- you see when we die[ be it natural or suicidal] it creates a buzz, people cry for you and they recall your great deeds... but for how long. life moves on and pushes your folks along their way, they find new works to do and new troubles to deal with while you are there stagnant in a moment forever, THAT moment passes too soon and heads for oblivion.so the protagonist is shuddered at this thought as he retreats. i hope you liked my poem and i look forward to many more of your encouraging reviews - Rituparna
This was a beautiful poem with a great message. What you wanted to say was very clear and loud so, thumbs up for that. Now let me tell you what I thought of it stanza wise.
For the first the tone is hopeful. You could have mended the last line to look more beautiful but that's okay. Only thing that appeared faulty was the phrase in the bracket. It has nothing to do with the upper lines and the tone was exactly opposite. The poem has actually two tones and that's fine until you try to mingle then both in one stanza. So try not to do that.
The next two three stanzas have no big problems apart from some spelling errors which I'm sure you don't need me to point out. These stanzas carry the thoughts back and forth and I like that but I felt that you could've been a bit more clearer with the images you want me to see as I felt I had to put an effort to get into the head of the narrator. So think about it.
The second last stanza was especially beautiful but i think the sentences should be revised as it took me three times before I could actually find what you mean and trust me, I was baffled by its beauty. So I think that the thing with beautiful things is: the simpler the better. So try to write these lines in a simpler form without actually taking out any major words. Just a suggestion.
So in all your poem is beautiful and it's flow is so nice to feel. I've read your other poems and I particularly like the way you can rhyme words without compromising with your poem, do that's one more thumb's up from me. I think it could have been better and clearer but you know, Shah Jahan felt the same after seeing Taj Mahal. So, it's okay. That's it I think, I'd give you a 8/10 or 8.5/10. Keep writing. Looking forward to the next of your work.
thank you for the review and i would make corrections in this work as you suggest. however the tone in the first brackets in first stanza in meant to struck as it pulled down the reader from vague dreamy gestures to real incident.i consider it a step down inside.thank you so much for the rating its too good for an amateur like me. i would definitely try to keep the expectations up.