Her name is nothing more
Than a forgotten memory
Whispering across the trees
In my backyard
Her memory plagues me
Every moment, every hour
A constant bass drum
Beating to the sound of my heart
The swing set that we used to play in
Now abandoned
Just like the childish dreams
And promises you never kept
We were just kids
And yet I had loved her with all my heart
The time we spent together was precious
Her gentle voice my only clarity
The love birds now sing a new tune
A lament for the loss and heartache
And foolishness that couldn’t provide us
The eternal happiness we longed for
We we’re so happy back then
What happened to us
Singing to the tune of the blue jays
Giggling and chasing them around the yard?
Maybe it was just a mistake
A glitch in the systems; a clumsy fall
For me to love you
How else could this have happened?
Where are you, when I lay here alone at night?
While I dream of what we used to be
Do you dream of me?
Look at the destruction around me
A radioactive wasteland
Filled with broken dreams and cynical lullabies
Why do I still love her?
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This is a really interesting poem Tigerlilly, so I thought I'd leave a quick comment. I didn't really understand the formatting. But the emotions and word choice was right on. Some of the phrases that really hit me were "Her memory plagues me" and "cynical lullabies". Really cool juxtaposition of negative and positive and past and present. Great job, never stop writing!
Hey, Redrum here for a quick review. First of all, I want to say that I love the concept you've created with the two columns and then ending it with the centered text. The ending really drives the pain of the narrator home with the single, yet powerful question. Overall, this is a beautiful poem and you should be proud of it.
I just have a few nit-picky details which are honestly quick fixes.
I noticed that you do use some punctuation, mostly question marks, but there are a few commas and a semi-colon. This is mostly just a suggestion, but I think the poem would read more easily if you were consistent with the punctuation and used commas or periods as needed at the end of the lines.
There should be an 'is' in the first line: "Her name is nothing more"
I also think it might sound better if you said "The swing set that we used to play on" instead of "The swing set that we used to play in". But that's just me, so you don't have to change that.
"We were" instead of "We we're" in line 21.
Other than those minor details, this poem is flawless and beautiful. Keep up the great work!
-Red
I love the formatting! (Is it weird that instead of reading it normally, I read the left one while blocking my right ear and the right while blocking my left ear?)
Anyways, I'm here to review this lovely poem. I'm not much of an expert in this but I'll try.
The word choice is just amazing. I don't know if others agree but it's beautiful. I loved its overall concept, though there is one thing I didn't particularly like.
I loved the word choice again, however I think it doesn't fit in with the feelings of the poem. I know, it's about this confused hell of a guy and this stanza shows the feelings he still has for this girl, who is probably dead or gone. I would have preferred if you showed more of their memories together but in a negative view, since it is on the left side of the poem, instead of using this destruction, radioactive wasteland thing you have going on. Meh, I think it's just me who feels this, I don't know. But still.
I love the ending though. It's in the middle of the two sides we have, and it just shows the feelings he has for the girl. Why do I still love her? I wonder if it's like that because the girl is dead and he knows this love won't go anywhere anymore but he just can't stop his feelings and everything.
It's hard for me to review because of its beauty xD
I hope to see more of your writing. Please.
Thanks for the review! I understand why you dont like that one stanza with the radioactive wasteland. This poem is a work in progress, but I wanted to see what others thought before going and making final changes. I'm glad you enjoyed it, though! Have a nice day, and thanks for the review!
I really like this poem. One thing that really sticks out is the contradicting feelings and ideas, which some readers with experience can understand. The placement of the words on the page also help to add to the idea of the contradicting thoughts