One bang,
Two bang,
Three bang,
Four.
Knock me down unto the floor
Beat me till I'm black and blue
Hold me down; I scream at you
One snap,
Two snap,
Three snap,
Four.
Smirking as you hit once more
Finally done, you drop the belt
I will never forget the pain I've felt
Or the really poor cards I have been delt
One tear,
Two tear,
Three tear,
Four.
Into the bathroom, I lock the door
Sobbing I fall on my knees
Slowly pulling back my sleeves
I stare upon the deep blue marks
And watch as my once bright world
Silently grows dark.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Review Time!!!! Holy shit! this is deep!!!! I hope this actually didn't happen to you. I like it how you repeated the words.
One tear,
Two tear,
Three tear,
I like how you rhymed in Lines 13,14,15
'finally done, you drop the belt
I will never forget the pain I've felt
Or the really poor cards I have been delt'
Into the bathroom, I lock the door
Sobbing I fall on my knees
Slowly pulling back my sleeves
I stare upon the deep blue marks
And watch as my once bright world
Silently grows dark.
Wow! I especially like lines 20-25. They are the deepest out of the whole poem.
I can't wait to read more of your amazing poems! Good Luck.
Thank you so much! And honestly, I did undergo a situation similar to this (please don't worry I'm fine) and as a writer, I enhanced my emotions and harnessed them into a poem. Its just a habit I have, and it really helps me feel better. Thanks again for the awesome feedback!
Hey! CaptainSaltWater here with a review!
I love this. It's just really amazing! My only problem though is that I wouldn't have put the 2nd stanza with 3 lines, and then the 4th stanza with 4 lines, and then the 6th stanza with 6 lines. It just seems really mixed up like that. I would try to stick to 4 lines per stanza. That's my opinion though. It seems just really odd to mix stanzas like that. Anyways, good job! I just absolutely love it. I want to see more poems by you! Don't give up and always write, Tigerlilly37!
-CaptainSalty
That Was Amazing!!!!!
Great Work!!!1
I am not very good at reviewing most things published under the poetry genre but I will try here because it's something I relate too.
I think adding a fourth line to the second part might help the flow, "Or the really poor cards I have been dealt."
I think in the second line of the last part switching the last word "knee" with the word "floor" will sound a lot better and generally flow with what you wrote a lot better.
Those two are just my opinions as a fellow poet.
This is definitely something that needs lots of awareness brought too it, but just to be sure since this doesn't seem so much like bullying, as much as domestic abuse. I have to ask, is that what it is, domestic abuse between a couple?
This was really good, if only violent people saw how much the screw society up by being so arrogant and immature.
Thank you so much for your advice! I really like adding that fourth line, its an excellent idea and really help with the flow. And this poem is actually about child abuse, not abuse between a couple. Sorry for not making that more clear in the poem! Again, thanks so much for the advice. It means a lot to me.
Of course, I always speak my mind. That actually makes more sense, child abuse being the subject. Always happy to review where and when I can too.
Us writers have to help each other out, and work on improving out weak points, and strengthening our already strong areas.
I don't write poetry often, and I have never posted any on here. But it's an area I do really well in with creative writing, and usually where my advice is best.