I am no better than the demons
Destruction everywhere I go
I am a slave, no longer a freeman
To the rude remarks I crow
*
Happiness is a fairytale
Hope merely a dream
My love for you has only failed
To reach your heart it seems
*
I can't begin to explain to you
How truly sorry I am
My best friend, my angel, my boo
For you’ll never see me again
*
Now close your eyes and hush dear
Please don't pity me
My voice again you’ll never hear
And my eyes will never see
*
The light of day sinking down
The moon now wanes so brightly
As I lay here in my silken gown
And my face becomes so whitely
*
My eyes are closing now
I guess this is goodbye
The end is near and I shall
Lay here as I die
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139,567 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hello there! I'm here for a review
I really like this. I am imagining a chain, almost, trapping the narrator. Each link engraved with each negative thing said about someone else. Even though they were about someone else, they still come back to haunt you.I really liked your poem. It was a little dark, but I really like the way you wrote it. The rhyming was a very nice addition, and I liked how it made the whole poem flow very nicely.
When you wrote:
When you say; I think that you could elaborate more on that. For example you could replace "feel bad" with "pity" or something other that "feel bad". I think that the rest of the poem has really great writing, and that line isn't as great as all the others. Just a suggestion.
I really liked the line where you said: It reveals to the reader another reason for her suicide, and also the reason for the poem. Maybe you could add in somewhere that she hopes that he will find love, and feel the way she felt for him. Again, just a suggestion.
Overall, I really liked you poem. Although it was a little dark, I like the way a lot of the lines were written. Great job!
Thanks for the review!
Nice written !!!!!!!!
I really liked this. It had a sad feel to it, and the rhyming was great. For some reason, this reminded me of a movie that I recently watched, but I forgot the name of it! I just have a few things I would change.
The mood of the poem was almost bittersweet, but some lines broke the feel. This like for example:
Although these are terms of endearment, I think that you could have used better ones that reflected the mood of the poem. Maybe my remaining friend, my lover, my life. It doesn't have to rhyme every line, especially if when you read it over, the words seem forced.
Also, this line:
For some reason, I felt like this line was too casual. It stuck out like a sore thumb. Maybe change it to something like "I bid you my goodbye" or "Farewell, my love, goodbye".
Hello Tigerlilly37,
It's MergSword here on-quite a rainy day, for a review for you!
First of all, something that bugs me is that your work, is in the horror section. I love horror poetry, I know one when I see one, and this isn't one. Nothing really strikes you with fear, or awe, or anything that makes you feel, different in the horror way. Although this definetley gives off a sadness feeling, this isn't physically, nor mentally frightening. I think this could definitely fit in the dramatic section.
Anyway, let's get to the actually reviewing, eh. Let's begin with a few noticeable lines. Like these.
Hope merely a dream: Hope sort of is a dream,I mean, really having hope is dreaming, so unless you meant to be literal, I think it could be changed.
Lay here as I die: You never mentioned why this person is dying, old age, disease, murder?
When it comes to use of words though, you did great! I had to look up a few of them. Creative , I must say. I thin these words were absolutely beautiful.
Keep on writing!
~MergSword