I then plucked the star from the sky,
And pulled it to my heart
Only to realize that I bore nothing in my clasp,
For stars are gases I cannot grasp.
-
And yet gorgeously here it still glows,
Bright, shining, and shimmering.
So close, and yet so far
Twinkling brilliantly, the little star
-
But, as most balls of flame would,
It burned so viciously in my heart.
A passionate spark, a yearning, a need,
While deep in your eyes I see the same greed.
-
The same hunger and lust inside you,
Burns here in the little star
In your green eyes this brilliant flame
Stars dancing to the sound of your name.
-
Hushed voices and parted lips
Calling into the wind
Sweetly singing the songs of tomorrow
And ignoring all of our sorrow.
-
Sweet affection and gentle embraces
Turn into a tangle of legs
As we forget what we onced promised,
And the forever that we had thought flawless.
-
Stars dimming overhead as they watch upon us sadly,
Ashamed at our stupidity for what our lust had done
Guilt plagues us as the stars watch us cry,
Heavens tears watering the earth from the sky.
-
Then you rise from the sheets and leave me here,
Alone and naked before the world.
Weary and with a broken heart
As you and I depart.
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Hey! I have to say I really love and can relate to this poem. In the first line of the first stanza, I would suggest omitting the word "then". I feel this implies there was more to the story that happened previously which was not told, but maybe that's just me. In the fourth line of the first stanza, I think you mean "gasses" instead of "gases"
. No big deal, just a small typo you may want to change. Honestly, I thought the transition between ideas in the third stanza was smooth and beautiful. The rest of the poem truly resonates with me. Although this is a review, I'll take a little break for story time... So once I met a guy with captivating green eyes, as mentioned in your poem. That line is what reminded me of him. He seemed so great, and then our lust took over along with his desire to be involved with me. Later on, after he made me feel like I was worth something, he left because I was only a distraction from his other problems. I felt incredibly guilty for so long, and I still deal with the regret every day. I felt like a vulnerable fool after everything was said and done. That last stanza gave me chills as to how accurate it was. Reading this made me feel like someone actually understood how I was feeling at that time, although you may have had a completely different experience. Thank you for making me feel not so alone anymore <3
-Emily
Hey! I have to say I really love and can relate to this poem. In the first line of the first stanza, I would suggest omitting the word "then". I feel this implies there was more to the story that happened previously which was not told, but maybe that's just me. In the fourth line of the first stanza, I think you mean "gasses" instead of "gases"
. No big deal, just a small typo you may want to change. Honestly, I thought the transition between ideas in the third stanza was smooth and beautiful. The rest of the poem truly resonates with me. Although this is a review, I'll take a little break for story time... So once I met a guy with captivating green eyes, as mentioned in your poem. That line is what reminded me of him. He seemed so great, and then our lust took over along with his desire to be involved with me. Later on, after he made me feel like I was worth something, he left because I was only a distraction from his other problems. I felt incredibly guilty for so long, and I still deal with the regret every day. I felt like a vulnerable fool after everything was said and done. That last stanza gave me chills as to how accurate it was. Reading this made me feel like someone actually understood how I was feeling at that time, although you may have had a completely different experience. Thank you for making me feel not so alone anymore <3
-Emily
Hey! I have to say I really love and can relate to this poem. In the first line of the first stanza, I would suggest omitting the word "then". I feel this implies there was more to the story that happened previously which was not told, but maybe that's just me. In the fourth line of the first stanza, I think you mean "gasses" instead of "gases"
. No big deal, just a small typo you may want to change. Honestly, I thought the transition between ideas in the third stanza was smooth and beautiful. The rest of the poem truly resonates with me. Although this is a review, I'll take a little break for story time... So once I met a guy with captivating green eyes, as mentioned in your poem. That line is what reminded me of him. He seemed so great, and then our lust took over along with his desire to be involved with me. Later on, after he made me feel like I was worth something, he left because I was only a distraction from his other problems. I felt incredibly guilty for so long, and I still deal with the regret every day. I felt like a vulnerable fool after everything was said and done. That last stanza gave me chills as to how accurate it was. Reading this made me feel like someone actually understood how I was feeling at that time, although you may have had a completely different experience. Thank you for making me feel not so alone anymore <3
-Emily
Hello demurepoet! Yes, you are not the only one who has gone through these terrible things. I have fallen prey once before to a particular persons lies and had to deal with a lot of the problems and guilt afterwards. This was just a vent for all that negativity to get it out of my system to calm me (and a weird thing I did at 2am just because I couldn't sleep). Anyways, thanks for the review! I too am glad that I am not the only one.
Hi Tigerlilly37, Felistia here with a short review on your poem.
I really like the descriptions and use of words in here. I also love the rhyming scheme you used, it works really well and helps the poem flow really well. Your punctuation is perfect as well.
I have one or two nit-picks though. In the first sentence you used the word (then) and it doesn't really need to be there. I think it would work better it wasn't there.
One last thing (Sweet affection and gentle embraces
Turn into a tangle of legs
As we forget what we onced promised,
And the forever that we had thought flawless.)
You lost the rhyming scheme there and to me it really stands out.
Other than that though I really loved the poem and for a 2am poem it is very good. Well done and I hope to see more of your work soon. Have a great day\night.
Thanks for the review! Yes, the rhyme scheme was almost lost. I'm not really sure what I was thinking to be honest. It WAS 2am, so I was probably half asleep at the time. I'll go back and edit it with time, though. Again, thanks for being awesome. Have a great day, and stay blessed.