Don't Do It

And out cranks another review for Team WHY? I just kinda picked you and am reviewing your stuff. Heh ...

This was so tragic and depressing , I pictured two girls in a room that was completely black under the moon . I am probably the only person who pictured that, really no one else ? But I think you actually found a nice balance between to much and to little usage of adjectives contrary to other reviews. Though they all had great advice . I didn't understand
"In attempt to stop her

"One more move.

Just try me.""

So did she only end up really doing it because the other person moved ? This was really dark but one of the best things I have read today . I should really go read something I can nitpick xD

You are incredibly gifted <3
~Kat

Hello random stranger that I actually know! I am going to review you, okay? Okay.

I wanted to start off saying that I noticed you classified this as "horror." It is true that this is rather horrific and that suicide itself is a horrible thing, but I don't think I'd really classify it as "horror," if you know what I mean. Just a little note, more of an opinion, but if you believe you can classify it as horror, then do that.

I also found it rather interesting that the friend had barely any reaction to it. In the beginning, she was telling her not to do it, but in the end, she doesn't really do much more than comb her fingers through her hair. I felt like there should have been more despair, crying, screaming, yelling, ANYTHING to signal loss. I just found it kind of odd she sort of accepted it for what it was when she just watched her friend kill herself. Maybe you didn't want to show as much emotion as the fact she was dead, which is okay, but I felt like there should be more expression there. I don't know, just a personal opinion again.

Now, it probably sounds like I'm being negative, but I did like this poem. I just found those two things kind of odd and the last one something you might want to approve on. Overall, great poem, I would love to see more! ~Prez. T

Hi.
Clearly you have a dramatic style of writing that translates well into the genre of your choice as well as the form of your poetry.
I would say there is definitely room to develop this into a short story, unless poetry is your particular area of focus.
I like the short, sharp bluntness of the entire piece. And your selective use of punctuation really adds meaning to your words.
Clever. Impressive.

Hello Tigerlily37! CHRISSY321 here with a review with a positive review!

*Happy Review Day!*

This is just so great! I mean- it is sad, but it is just beautiful! I feel like this is such a sad mini story in a poem. There is a something that I do want to fix:

" "But I must." she replies

And a single tear

Travels down your cheek "

Instead and putting 'And a single..' put 'A single'! It sounds better, and makes the poem more smooth. Another thing with that like ti fix it do not capitalize 'Travels' in the beginning of that part right there, it is continuing that line, so do not capitalize because it would be like putting

" A single tear Travels down you cheek"

You would not normally capitalize travels, so just do not do it!

That is it! I do not think I saw anything else wrong! I just loved that way you described everything, and the way you ended it (The good solid ending, not that her dying was good!) You did great, and I just loved the whole thing in general! Thanks for sharing!
P.S. This review gives me my third star! I am glad that this will be that 'special' review!

Hello, Tigerlilly. This poem is so beautiful and sad at the same time. You have really expressed the pain of the friends, both the suicidal one and the one trying to help. You really feel for the one watching her friend as it is just so sad.

All the scenes are really described vividly which makes it easy for us as the reader to imagine it happening.

Your poem really flows well and is free from grammatical errors as far as I can see. My favourite part would be the last six lines- it was a very good way to end your poem.

I love your poem and would hope to read more of your work.

- Anshira.

This is so sad. I think you did a wonderful job on this! You conveyed the feelings of suicide and death very well.

"You both sit in the opaque, dimly lit room". Great job of giving the reader a taste of the scenery. The setting and the point of this write go very well together.

This is very well written and I liked reading it. Nice work! -IceWinifredd

Tigerlily,

The poem seems to be a dialogue in an empty space. Two people, where the "you" tries to convince the "I" not to kill herself, and the moment where she does actually kill herself. So, show us that-- What does she kill herself with? Where does she kill herself? Why? How does she look and sound as she falls? I think because of the title of this poem "Don't do it" and because it's in the horror genre, it makes me assume and also expect for the poem to convey that sense of horror. I find it interesting that instead of describing the suicidal person, the poem towards the end, instead, focuses on the observer. We're in the head of the person who is watching her friend go, and that can be an equally emotional and formidable subject matter. However, there's just barely an outline here and not enough meat.

I appreciate the darkness of the topic and the dramatic movement of your lines, however, by the end of this, I did not really feel anything. Show us that darkness instead - use your imagination, use your senses: touch, taste, smell, sight, sound and describe the scene to us. Is it a dark room? Maybe there's just barely enough light, just enough to see the horror at the end. Maybe light is crawling demonically upon her face. Show us her face. What's horrific about her face? Is it the fact she does not listen—her eyes, blank and cold, shut tighter than the door? Does the speaker fear that she has lost her? Again, slow down the moment and try to describe every facet of it, try to really make us feel as if we're there. Don't end it at "growls", don't end it at "tears", those words in this genre of poetry are tired and overused. It is the poet's job to refresh language and find something else. Describe instead the dried spots and ruined make-up, the smeared trails lost in the pores and grooves along her face. Perhaps her eyes are stabbed or puffy, or her lips dried and chewed. Maybe despite all this, she had never looked so alive...

Get us in there.


Hope this helps,

~ as always, Audy

This is the saddest poem I've ever read! But still AMAZING!!