I am invisible
Just another thin wisp in the air
Floating down the hallways
*
I am darkness
I am the shadow in the corner
The shade that is taken advantage of
*
I am dirty
Covered in the sins I have done
For they stain me red
*
I am ugly
Nobody dares come near me
I have been unapproachable
*
But he does
*
With him I am everything
I am the breath he breathes
The pure water he drinks
*
With him I am light
I light his way through the darkness
I bring him warmth and comfort
*
With him I am pure
I am the sugar in his tea
The song of the choir
*
With him I am beautiful
As graceful as a stag
As glorious as a peacock
*
With him I am anew
Together we walk down this path
Forever intertwined
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140,135 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey there Kat here to review
you have a new fan ! I am a sucker for romantic poems and you seem to hit the nail on the head ! It's really interesting how you started the poem one way with similar structures and ended it with similar structures in a different way. It made me feel warm inside just reading it . I hope everyone gets a chance to experience this kind of love.
Oh this was marvelous
Short review with nothing to nitpick , sorry ?
~Kat
Ah thank you so much. Its fine that you have no nitpicks, i often find myself in the same situation.
You know what I just realized? You go by Kat, right? That's my nickname... 0.0
Happy review day!!!
Tigerlilly--this is certainly a piece which holds much emotional depth and I like how it is more realistic and therefore has a dark side to it. You are a great writer who certainly has a knack with words. Like AustereMelodies, I also feel your second stanza is a bet rambling and could perhaps be cut a little to maintain more coherence. Also some parts first about how you are dirty an bad and then how you guide him can also be a bit confusing. Overall though, a
great, emotionally charged piece! Look forward to reading more from you!!!
Keep Writing,
-Zanda
Hi! FireBird99 here for a review.
This poem really holds a lot of emotion. I love how there is a darker side to it but then you show that your correcting your mistakes and start over when you are with that person. I cant help you with your formatting and the rules of poetry and the such (I'm not much of a poem maker haha) BUT I can tell you that this is a really col idea. I love it.
Keep up the writing!
FireBird99
I seem to keep making this mistake... I forgot to post this as a review!
Anyway... x'D
Hey there, Tigerlilly37!
I have to agree with everyone else on this: your poem is beautifully written! I thought that your descriptions and language were very lyrical, overall, and additionally I think that your poem started and ended very well, which is a great plus! A firm, eye-catching opening and a strong close are really important in any sort of writing.
That said, I feel like the second stanza, although enjoyable to read, became a little too rambling. Although the content was great, I think some punctuation (perhaps separating it into more than one stanza, to make the length of the poem a little more even, overall) would improve it a lot. But, again, this is mostly just personal preference. I see the merits of keeping the middle portion as one large stanza, as well, but I believe that to maintain it as one large stanza, it would need to focus on less subjects. Say, expand on "With him I am everything," and leave out the "With him I am light," or "pure," etc, that way, the flow of the poem would make a little more sense.
Aside from that, however, I honestly have no critiques!
Another plus, I loved how this poem was a sort of "journey." You can tell that there is a clear beginning, middle, and end, and it made it very satisfying. I also think that your use of repetition, imagery, and metaphor were well thought out! Sometimes, repetition does not work out too well, but in this particular work I think that it was a great choice!
Overall, really a very pretty, enjoyable poem! I hope to read more of your work soon!
- AustereMelodies
Thanks so much! Your review really helps! And don't worry, I forget to mark as a review as well sometimes!
For future reference, you can ask a GM (dark name) or JM in that section (light green name) to mark it as a review for you! I'll go ahead and delete the one that's a comment to keep review counts accurate. Happy Review Day!
I love your vocabulary in this! And I totally agree with @Tay01. This is a beautifully written poem any way you look at it. I actually can't find anything that could be changed about it. Although, your middle stanza is really long, which kind of breaks the appearance of the poem. But with the context, you did a splendid job! This make me want to read more of your work. Keep writing!
Hey! CHRISSY here with a review!
*Happy Review day!*
Ok, for starters, this is very deep! There are so many parts to this, and it is great! There is so many descriptions that you use it is crazy! My favorite example would be this:
As graceful as a stag
As glorious as a peacock
This was a grate way to pot ray this, and I could see it so clearly in my mind! It is wonderful!!!
Ok, now for a little fixing...
I feel that this poem gets a little negative in a certain area- it is not bad, and yes it does explain the thing you are trying to say, but I feel that it is depressing. If there is one part I would take out- it would be this:
I am the shadow in the corner
The shade that is taken advantage of
I am dirty
I think it is kinda sad, but I see why you used it! Good for you! (But I would not go that extreme)
Ok, hope this helps! Happy Review day, and good Luck! Keep Writing!
I HATE YOU CHRISSY
This is a very nice and clean poem. IT is basically something to imagine and you have done it quite far. I am actually quite amazed by your literally work. With him... This is sort of Romantic, making it look so glorious and awesome. With him, you make a splendid poem. Nice job. Really.
http://i1375.photobucket.com/albums/ag4 ... 1zipay.jpg