The moon has now risen;
stars dance among the skies
as we meet beneath the glimmering streetlight
and our hands intertwine.
My eyes gaze steadily into yours,
the snow swirling in soft flurries around us
as we leave behind that dreadful place
and its wars, silly and superfluous.
Your hair collects small snowflakes;
your breath comes in foggy puffs,
like the gentle giant dragon in fairytales
that the knight grows to trust.
I shiver slightly against the cold
and you, being the way you are
slide off your jacket and wrap it around
my shoulders, the sweetest by far.
We stroll through the city streets
laughing and enjoying ourselves
we dash into the old bookstore
into poetry and storybooks we delve.
Exploring new worlds together,
we share our favorite books.
Together we find a new story
and sit in our favorite nook.
I lay my head on your shoulder
as you read softly to me.
I close my eyes and grow immersed,
life becoming but a memory
Soon enough, it’s time to stop
the story has finally ended
mythical lands of love and triumph
and brokenness that has come to amends.
We exit the store (with books in hand)
and through the snow we stroll a little more,
you take me to my front porch step
and wait patiently at the door.
I hug you warmly and peck your cheek
gazing once more into your eyes so blue
they could fill the whole ocean.
You blush slightly, and I grin at you.
Our magical night has come to an end
but our love still blossoms yet.
You really are my dearest friend;
and that’s something you should never forget.
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This is a very touching poem. The way you rhymed
"We exit the store (with books in hand)
and through the snow we stroll a little more,
you take me to my front porch step
and wait patiently at the door."
&
"Our magical night has come to an end
but our love still blossoms yet.
You really are my dearest friend;
and that’s something you should never forget."
It made me think about an old relationship I had & all the things I should have done.
Thank you!
Hey, Tigerlilly37.
I like the imagery here; it feels romantic with the stars and all, but I question your sentence structure. Since this a free-verse and relies on punctuations, I wonder if you can vary the punctuations? 'The moon has now risen, / Stars dance among the skies' seem like an awkward sentence when gathered together. Using a semicolon at the end of the first line would cease that, and I'm sure 'Stars' don't need to be capitalized.
Again, nice imagery, but my issue here is your coherence. Like I said, the first stanza alone is romantic, and the first two lines here also indicate that until we go to the third and fourth line. How does the war relate to them? What makes it important to be included in this romantic poem? Instead of actual wars, I suggest them having their inner wars about wanting to get together or not; in that case, we could see the relation between the lines.
Tightness is key when it comes to delivering a powerful message. The second line, for me, can be deducted. Instead of telling us how the persona's lover is, why don't you show us more instead? Here's a tweaking I provide for you:
Nothing much to say here. The imagery remains to be shifting in an organized manner, although I think a period is needed at the end of the second line.
Repetition in here is unneeded. The second 'together' can be removed, and the line can be extended with other phrase/clause that can express more the situation. 'We find a new story with delight in our eyes', for example.
Dayum! I've been thinking the two of them as lovers, but the revelation that the persona thinks about the other as 'friend' is unexpected. All these things they've done together are really more fitting for lovers, and the blush the persona's friend has is quite a show on how he feels about the persona. I like this end, though, it really makes us think sometimes what is shown is not really just that; there are layers behind it. In a grammar note, removed 'and' to use semicolon correctly; it should be used when connecting two independent clauses.
Anyway, that is all! This is overall a lovely poem without needing superfluous dramatic scenes. It's cute and sweet, with a nice, unexpected ending. Keep up the good job!
Thank you for catching those mistakes! I definitely will go back and edit to fix some of these things. As for the meaning, it was actually a simple sort of meaning that is meant to show that relationships can be more than just physical bonds and such. Often times I hear my parents refer to each other as best friends, each others missing half, and even the same person, and I wanted to bring that out in this poem.
Anyways! Sorry if I rambled a bit. Have a nice day!
Hi! Sarah12 here to review. Before I begin, I would like to say that these are some serious relationship goals! I love it. Forward thinking.
I actually need that, because I just read a quote that said "write like your parents just died" and now I'm really sad. XD
Okay, let's get into it.
Loves: The concept of the story. The description clearly shows the emotion of the concept and creates a warm and happy atmospere.
Spoiler
Nitpicks: So there are a few things that be improved (in my opinion, none of these are actually necessary because you have flawless grammar and spelling). In the third stanza, the rhythm of the poem was thrown off a little with the first two lines. The wording is fine, but since there isn't a comma at the end of the line, it doesn't flow quite right. So I would suggest a comma there. Also, in the first line of the ninth stanza, I don't think the parentheses are really necessary. I see why you added them, but aesthetically, I think it would look better without the parentheses.
So yeah! Great job on the poem, and keep writing! I hope to read more of your work in the future!
Sarah12
Thank you!