Papers scattered across the white counter,
Brochures posted on the fridge,
For all to see
*
The patter of small curious feet,
And wide eyes grasping at the papers.
What is this she spies upon?
*
Small children smiling from the sheets,
Graphs and costs glaring up at the ceiling.
"Will we adopt," a small child asks,
*
"Oh no," the ostentatious woman replies,
"This is for you, you stupid child."
This is for you
This is for you
*
Echoing through the mind,
The small little girl cries,
For she doesn't know what
To do.
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Hi Tigerlilly37,
.
I read your comments below saying that this poem was what had happened to you this morning. I'm very sorry and I hope things work out for you. I do have a few suggestions for this poem, though.
Since this is what actually happened to you and there is clearly a lot of emotion here, I suggest just making it from the first-person point of view. The third-person was a bit choppy and confusing, and I felt like I wasn't getting all the emotion you were trying to portray here. Also, you spelled ceiling wrong in the third stanza
I feel like this line would be better as "Are we adopting?" instead, because the child (you) isn't really meant to know about this before, right?
I think this would be more powerful without the ellipsis, so it would look like:
This is for you
This is for you
That way, to me, seems to make more of a bold, almost jarring statement in the child's mind/the reader's.
Lastly, the ending didn't really satisfy me. Maybe add in something about how the child (you) felt, being given up for adoption, some more emotion?
Very simple, sad poem, and nice writing.
Overall rating: 7.5/10
Keep writing!
+1
Thanks for the review! I have officially revised it slightly and I thank you for the suggestions, as they clearly do work better for this poem. Thanks for the suggestions, and have a nice day.
Hello CapitalMonday here to review for you. I would like to begin of saying this poem is amazingly written and could tell a perfect tale of being adopted. I wasn't adopt/sent to an adoption clinic so i have no idea what this might feel like but by the way, the child cries and how the parents treat the girl (in what i just read), i think it is just horrible. i mean why would someone let go of a pride and joy that you have seen grow into a blossom?
The tone of this poem is to show that adoption is horrible thing since the kids have no idea how to react or what to say, as they walk up the driveway to their new house. I like how the child asks if they are getting another child but the mother responses as no, its for you. If i met this person, i real life/placed into this poem i would slap that woman clear cross the face and take the girl into my own hands.
Also I think this an amazing poem.. Keep up the good work.
CapitalMonday
Hey there Kat here to review for you and the ever awesome BLUES CLUES!
Anyway, I agree with below comments very confusing! There was no real rhyme or rhythm though it did flow quite well.... I did understand, upon re-reading it, that the poor little girl was being given away by her cruel mother and that really made me sad because at first it seemed like a more upbeat poem. Maybe add an extra stanza about how the tables have turned and once she saw the orphanage from the inside she saw what a sad place it is . I don't understand the first two stanzas at all though .... sorry I haven't been to an orphanage but I hope this still helps. It was a nice read and keep at it !!!
Kat
I was writing about my morning, basically. For those who don't have prior knowledge, I don't get along very well with my mother. I had seen all these adoption papers on the counter, some on the fridge, and I had asked if we were going to adopt.
and she said: "Oh no, this is for you!"
and I said: "Oh..."
and I walked off and cried. I came on here to let it out, and I'm very glad I did because it helped me a lot. I hope this helps, telling you about the true experience. Thanks for reading it! Sorry I couldn't be more clear!
Hello! This was really confusing... I don't think I understand what happened '_' Is the kid being given away? I know that poems are meant to be mysterious, but it would be nice to make it a little more clear!
"Will we adopt a small child asks" is weird. At first it seems that the question is 'will we adopt a small child?' But then asks, so its the child asking! Its confusing, unless that's intentional! Inverted commas should help ^o^
"This is for you you stupid child" is also a little weird... Normal commas should help :b
But aside from that its interesting! I think I would have enjoyed it more if I understood what exactly happened ^+^ Have a nice day!
Sorry it was so confusing! I was honestly just really upset this morning, so I decided to let it out on here. I wasn't really focused on punctuation.. sorry!
Aww... Hope you feel better! ^=^
Yeah I actually feel a lot better. My friends really helped cheer me up!
Yay!
Hello, Cat here to review your extremely sad poem! Wow, what a sentimental and sad piece this is. Excellent job! This hit me right in the feels.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you a few ideas on how to improve it some.
Have a nice day! Write on!
(If you would like to, you can ignore everything I say and just rock on with your bad poet self. XD)
Papers scattered across the white counter, [Perhaps extend this, more like "Stacks of papers lie scattered across the white kitchen counter."]
Brochures posted on the fridge, [Maybe "brochures displayed on the fridge."]
For all to see
*
The patter of small curious feet,
And wide eyes grasping at the papers. [Instead of "grasping at" try "passing over" or something of the like.]
What is this she spies upon? [Maybe "What is this she spies?"]
*
Small children smiling from the sheets,
Graphs and costs glaring up at the cieling. ["Ceiling" is misspelled.]
Will we adopt a small child asks, [I suggest italics for speech if you aren't using quotations.]
*
Oh no, the ostentatious woman replies,
This is for you you stupid child. [Add a comma between the two "you"s.]
This is for you...
This is for you...
*
Echoing through the mind, ["The words go echoing through her mind" would fit better.] [The comma at the end should probably be a period.]
The small little girl cries, [Extend this? Where is she crying? What emotions does she feel?]
For she doesn't know what
To do.
Anyway, I hope I helped you a little!
~Cat :3
You helped a lot, thanks! I am working on my punctuation, sorry about that. As I said in the comment to Anima, I was really just throwing up my feelings. Thanks for reading it!