I remember,
The hurt in your eyes
When I had told you,
About my pain.
*
I remember,
The way you were angered.
And your white knuckles,
Balled into fists.
*
The way you tried to stop it,
You had called Social Services.
The fear I felt petrifying me,
As you did so.
*
I remember you drying my tears,
Telling me it would be okay.
Your smile a smudge in my vision,
Lighting up the darkness.
*
The questions that they asked:
Have you slit your wrists?
Do you have trouble sleeping?
I could not speak truth for fear of what they would do.
*
I remember coming home,
To worried faces,
To people who cared,
And those who loved me.
*
I remember the tears of joy,
Knowing that things would be better.
That tomorrow is a new beginning,
And today is a gift,
Not to be wasted.
*
But then I remembered,
Her angered face as
She screamed at me,
For something I had not done.
*
I remember the lonely nights,
Surrounded by people,
Yet never had I felt
As alone as I did then.
*
Still yet, I conquer them all
My love running deeper
Than the scars
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hello! I would like to say I truly enjoyed reading the story. When I began the poem, it seemed as though it would end like many poems on this nature did. But when it didn't, it opened my mind up a bit to the poem. Your last stanza was my favorite. There isn't much I would change about this poem, and I personally love the repetition. I also enjoyed the fact that it didn't rhyme and yet the poem flowed so smoothly. Poems aren't always about the rhyme. Overall, magnificent piece. I personally adore poetry, and this is true poetry. Great start!
Hello! I would like to say I truly enjoyed reading the story. When I began the poem, it seemed as though it would end like many poems on this nature did. But when it didn't, it opened my mind up a bit to the poem. Your last stanza was my favorite. There isn't much I would change about this poem, and I personally love the repetition. I also enjoyed the fact that it didn't rhyme and yet the poem flowed so smoothly. Poems aren't always about the rhyme. Overall, magnificent piece. I personally adore poetry, and this is true poetry. Great start!
Thank you so much!
Hello, Tigerlilly37! I'm here to rescue your work from the green room!
I like the message of your piece. I'm glad that the end is positive-- so many poems that deal with this subject end on such a negative note.
That being said, there are a few things that you might change that would make this even better.
Focus on the action, not the outcome. Let's look at this stanza in particular-- it has both outcome and action.
In the first two lines, we have the outcome. However, you don't really need that in there at all if you focus on what happens in the second two lines. You have some repetition going on in your poem, but I'm not quite sure how successfully it's being implemented. If you take out the lines that say "I remember" or the ones equivalent to that, you'll already be putting more focus on the action. Always emphasize the action.
The way you could emphasize the action is to put it first in the stanza. Then see if the outcome lines are even needed. Look at this stanza: If you flip that around, you would still need the "outcome" lines, but you could also incorporate them into the action lines. Try this:
Another thing I think you should work on is specific details. It's all rather general and generic right now. But the poetry is in the details. Add more details about the narrator's situation instead of making it a big white blanket that covers the situation. For example, instead of this:
You could have something much more specific and lovely like this:
I'm not saying this is exactly what you should write, but you can see the similarities and differences between these passages. I think it would be much lovelier if you could add more detail, like the example above.
Altogether, it's a good start. I hope you find this review helpful to you! Happy YWSing!
Beautiful and so sad at the same time. Maybe I'm just a sucker for happy endings, but I loved it ending. Love conquers all right? Anyways, I like the subject of this poem and how you started from the hurt and pain and described the proc
Thanks for your opinion!
You're welcome!
Friend friend friend.
You poor troubled friend.
You deserve a lollipop for your tragedies.
You are insane.
I have noticed.
Tigerlilly37,
This is amazing. My favourite lines are the last three.
"Still yet, I conquer them all
My love running deeper
Than the scars"
However, I must admit, I didn't quite understand why in the 8th stanza, the mood suddenly turned from relief to fear. It would be appreciated if you made that a little more lucid.
However, on the whole, this was a beautiful poem.
Yours truly,
Awkward Adolescent XD