Online

DeerInBacPac

Review

DeerInBacPac wrote a review · Fri Oct 27, 2017 3:34 pm

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

So first thing I notice is that there are no periods and things alike. I will list them out for you but it is up to you if you want to include the commas due to style choice. The lines that need commas are "I miss your Hullos", "I miss your His", "I miss your laughter", "I miss your jokes", "I miss your eyes",
"I miss your anger", "I miss your roar", "I miss your comments", "I miss your number", "I miss your call", "I miss your advice" and "Your role in my life". All of there lines need commas so fix that as soon as you possibly can!

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you had a friend who you see in real life or inline everyday. You looked forward to seeing them and just being in there company but then you guys grew apart. It hurts because you want to talk to them and hear their voice and thing alike but you can't. You guys don't get alone anymore and you have been replaced by another. And it hurts you so much.

Overall I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

zaminami

Review

zaminami wrote a review · Fri Oct 27, 2017 3:23 pm

Hello Ishan22! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

~~Give me your soul.~~

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
~~Strikethrough~~ = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler

I miss your {"hullo"s}

I miss your {"hi"s}

I miss your Whatsapp status replies.

{Add a -- here to separate stanzas}

I miss your laughter

I miss your jokes

I miss your grammar corrections

Out of the course. {Find something else that rhymes or almost rhymes with "course"}

{--}

I miss your eyes

The journey in the night

I miss the recommendations

Of the songs you liked. {Night and liked don't rhyme}

{--}

But now I tend to forget

You are not online

I miss your anger

I miss your roar

I miss your comments

On my pictures and more.

{--}

I miss your number

I miss your call

I miss those stories

You told about the dogs. {Call and dogs don't rhyme}

{--}

I miss your advice

Your role in my life

Your being a friend

Who was with me in the bad times. {What rhymes here?}

{--}

But I tend to forget

You are not online

But the times have reigned

And you have changed

I have been replaced

Now I walk alone down the lane.

Awwwwwwwwwww this is so sweet!!! Separating stanzas was your main problem, but once you fix that, you're good! Keep up the great work

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

This review courtesy of

Mathy

Review

Mathy wrote a review · Fri Oct 27, 2017 1:13 pm

This is ZeldaIsShiek here for my first review in a long time in preparation for Sunday! Before we start, I'd like to say that this work is one of my favorites on this site so far, and I've been here for a long time! That's all for the introduction. Let's get into the review, shall we?

The first thing I noticed when looking at this poem was the title. It really caught my eye, and the description made something clear to me. The title is "Online," but the description says that you "forgot you weren't online," suggesting that the person who was "online" is no longer with the author. I figured this represented death, considering that "online" could refer to being alive, and "offline" could mean death. The first half of the poem supports this, as it states that the author no longer has that friend to send them "Whatsapp replies" or "Recommendations of the songs you liked." However, the second half talks about how the author has been "replaced" by someone else. This struck me as odd, and that someone dead wouldn't need to replace a friend. However, this isn't always true, and though the poem tries to make you think the author has been abandoned and "you" has replaced them with another, cooler friend, there was something bugging me. That something was so crucial, it changed the meaning of the entire poem for me (like a comma in Alexander's letter to Angelica?). It's the fact that you two were friends in such a clear way. Why would someone who does so much with you leave? It's like they're dead. Like the only way you two could separate is by death.

To conclude this... College-length essay... I believe that three things could be the case, and all of them are reasonable conclusions. Either the "you" is dead, they have left for a new friend who is cooler, or this poem is a representation of how online friends aren't always real friends. The "online" is when they're actually your friend, but in real life, they won't look at you because they have popular friends who they don't want to be embarrassed in front of.

My final theory on this poem is that it is a representation of an unfaithful online friend who will not hang out with you offline but will pretend to be your friend online. After they meet you in real life, they delete you from their Social Media accounts because they don't like you in real life, and now you are alone with the realization that that friend was a con.

But hey, that's just a theory. A POEM theory! Thanks for reading! Aaaaaand cut!

-ZeldaIsShiek