Hello,
Peiji here for a review!
I only saw two things I thought were confusing about the story that weren't already mentioned by another reviewer. One was the fact that the protagonist mentions finishing coffee, which suggests he had coffee, and then immediately says he can't have coffee. This could be just his bad lie to escape the situation, or it could just be a writing error. The other thing was the ending. The protagonist seems shocked that PETA and the Animal Protection Agency were called, despite the fact that he called upon the authorities. He then seems completely unaware as to why they would be there. The way the next line is written implies that he said animals were dangerous to live with, and should be chained. Was this a mistake, or was he actually saying this?
Anyway, moving on to grammar.
In the line "'So you said you that you will get the presentation done' I sipped the coffee"
The dialogue should be punctuated by a question mark.
The line "'Yeah, Ishan I’ll be bringing it to you by tomorrow' there was a different kind of sweetness in her voice." should be, "'Yeah, Ishan, I’ll be bringing it to you tomorrow.' There was a different kind of sweetness in her voice."
"I need to focus in my goals" should say "I need to focus on my goals"
"'Okay' I said 'We’ll catch up tomorrow evening' I was about to rise up, but Kavitha spoke up, rather abruptly and this time she was not sweet at all." should say "'Okay,' I said, 'We’ll catch up tomorrow evening.' I was about to rise up, but Kavitha spoke up, rather abruptly, and this time she was not sweet at all."
"'Why not chat with me for a while'" should be punctuated with a question mark.
The line:
“Well… Kavitha,” I said, in a tone that resembles one of those HM guys, you meet at a restaurant or a hotel “I’d loved to chat with you but you know my coffee is finished and I can’t sit in a café, without having coffee. It feels… undignified”
should say:
“Well, Kavitha,” I said, in a tone that resembles one of those HM guys you meet at a restaurant or a hotel, “I’d love to chat with you, but you know my coffee is finished and I can’t sit in a café without having coffee. It feels… undignified”
The line:
“Oh I’ll order you some” the witch was clever.
Should say:
“Oh I’ll order you some.” The witch was clever.
The line:
“Kavitha, don’t you know coffee has caffeine, that is seriously very dangerous for your throat. My doctor strictly forbade me coffee and related products” I smiled at her.
Should say:
“Kavitha, don’t you know coffee has caffeine? That is seriously very dangerous for your throat. My doctor strictly forbade me from having coffee and related products.” I smiled at her.
The line:
Due to some unknown cause, she looked at me with an expression, that is seen easily when your favorite batsman returns to the pavilion at ninety nine because ethe other lad at the runner’s end was too busy staring some pretty cheerleader.
Should say:
Due to some unknown cause, she looked at me with an expression that is seen easily when your favorite batsman returns to the pavilion at ninety nine because the other lad at the runner’s end was too busy staring at some pretty cheerleader.
The line:
Yes with imli ki chatni or I’ll have to adjust with tomato ketchep.
Should say:
Yes, with imli ki chatni, or if I have to, tomato ketchup.
or
Yes, with imli ki chatni. No, I'll probably have to settle for tomato ketchup.
The line:
But on the way, I was extremely fortunate to meet my old old friends. The Cows.
Should say:
But on the way, I was extremely fortunate to meet my old, old friends, the cows.
The line:
They were walking towards me in those groups, people call herds, but to they looked more like a troop of soldiers marching to attack somebody.
Should say:
They were walking towards me in those groups people call herds, but to me they looked more like a troop of soldiers marching to attack somebody.
The line:
I looked if there were any herdsmen. No. They are never.
Should say:
I looked if there were any herdsmen. No. There are never.
or
I looked if there were any herdsmen. No. They are never there.
The line:
Okay okay, turning right was not a good idea. I encountered my even dearer friend the barking black dog there. To my greater relief he( I presume him to be ‘he’, if he is not ‘he’ then he should not be called ‘he’ but ‘she’) was chained.
Should say:
Okay, okay, turning right was not a good idea. I encountered my even dearer friend, the barking black dog there. To my great relief he( I presume him to be ‘he’, if he is not ‘he’ then he should not be called ‘he’ but ‘she’) was chained.
The line:
Poor dog. Animals should not be treated like objects. But as equals.
Should say:
Poor dog. Animals should not be treated like objects, but as equals.
The line:
The Sharmas at 9-B AK Khanna Marg are real real creeps.
Should say:
The Sharmas at 9-B AK Khanna Marg are real, real creeps.
The line:
I decided to inform the environment ministry and the animal rights NGO, my mom works for one about this inhuman and ruthless treatment by the Sharmas!
Should say:
I decided to inform the environment ministry and the animal rights NGO my mom works for about this inhuman and ruthless treatment by the Sharmas!
or
I decided to inform the environment ministry and the animal rights NGO (my mom works for one) about this inhuman and ruthless treatment by the Sharmas!
The line:
Having had the samosas and lecturing my younger brother about the ill effects of having junk and oily food, I bullied Aakash, texting him that if be did not get me the presentation tomorrow, I was going to hack his email and all other social media accounts and then decided to write a strongly worded letter to the authorities.
Should say:
Having had the samosas and lectured my younger brother about the ill effects of having junk food and oily food, I bullied Aakash, texting him that if he did not get me the presentation tomorrow, I was going to hack his email and all other social media accounts.I then decided to write a strongly worded letter to the authorities.
The line:
For instance, the Sharmas of 9-B AK Khanna Marg have been subjecting their pet dog to cruel, severe and excruciating atrocities. Scarry, as he is known to be called is a black coloured beagle who is starved not allowed basic freedom that a dog is entitled to and can be found chained to the Sharma’s garden pole in heat cold and rain all round the year.
Should say:
For instance, the Sharmas of 9-B AK Khanna Marg have been subjecting their pet dog to cruel, severe, and excruciating atrocities. Scarry, as he is known to be called, is a black coloured beagle who is starved and not allowed basic freedom that a dog is entitled to, and can be found chained to the Sharma’s garden pole in heat, cold, and rain all round the year.
The line:
As a responsible citizen and an animal lover, I would request you to take appropriate action against the defaulters and rescue Scarry from the tormental conditions, he is presently in.
Should say:
As a responsible citizen and an animal lover, I would request you to take appropriate action against the defaulters and rescue Scarry from the tormental conditions he is presently in.
The line:
There were loads of PETA volunteers, with playcards saying “ STOP CRUELTY AGAINST PETS” and “ PETS ARE YOUR FRIENDS NOT SLAVES”
Should say:
There were loads of PETA volunteers with placards saying “ STOP CRUELTY AGAINST PETS” and “ PETS ARE YOUR FRIENDS, NOT SLAVES”
Sorry for leaving such a lengthy review, but I hope it helps!
Don't get me wrong, I grew up on a ranch with cows and all sorts of animals. But when you're out walking and a herd of strange cows are walking towards you... it can definitely be anxiety inducing, to say the least!
Points: 271
Reviews: 23
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