z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A Cup Of Coffee

by Ishan212


"Its raining. It's raining outside!!" my brother sang as I drew the curtains to see the condition of the weather. "Don't come here, O! spirit of Mahrisha! Leave us alone…. "

Wait. Wait. I'll tell you the problem with my brother .

He is obsessed with the ideas of ghosts and spirits and knows all the illogical stories regarding them. Like the story of Mahrisha, who was not allowed to marry her lover, Abhimanyu,as the later was a prince and the former was a poor peasant's daughter. The king imprisoned her in a tall tower and had his son wedded to some beautiful princess.

Guess what would have happened then? What happens in all these ghost cum romantic stories? What's common in all of them? One of the lover dies. Well in this case, it was a suicide. Mahrisha hung herself from the ceiling of the same minar, she was imprisoned in. And her spirit still waits and longs for her prince to rescue come and marry her.

Wait. You people must have got bored while reading this story. Let's get back to my story…

So as I told you, my younger brother , Ivan was dancing and swinging and celebrating rain. And I was gazing out of the window, thinking when my parents would arrive from work.

"Bhai," said my brother, "the clouds are thundering. Mahrisha is going to arrive-"

I could not take it any more. I had had enough.

"Stop your Mahrisha nonsense!" I exploded, "Ivan, go and watch some cartoons!" Sensing, my anger, he walked away to the television.

But he was right. Atleast somewhere. The weather was really spooky.

By looking at the sky it was impossible to tell it was late afternoon. It was dark. Dark blue. It was raining. It was sinister. Evil..

It was like, I was over thinking.

Thinking not to ponder much about the weather, I decided to write. A poem, maybe?

But my plan was short lived. Someone had rung the bell.

It was Neha. Neha Aggarwal, my classmate and friend.

I opened the door, let her in, asked her to sit down and got nothing but a strange blank expression.

"Neha ?? Are you kay? ". I asked "Do you need any medicines?"

"No" she answerd in a tone similar to Prof. Snape from Harry Potter, "Just a cup of coffee."

Giving her the weirdest expression I've ever given to anyone, I strolled to the kitchen to get her some coffee, leaving Neha alone in the room with Ivan, who was glued to the television.

But why had Neha showed up at this hour of the day? It seemed, there was something not right with her. She was not okay.

Her eyes looked swollen, darker than usual.

I'd just poured coffee into the mugs ,when my phone rung again. This time it was a text.

Text from Neha:

"Hi Ishu, can you send me the notes or else Mrs Sharma will finish me tomorrow. Plzz."

Wait. If this was Neha. Who was the one in my living room?

I rushed to the living room as fast as I could.

My heart was beating fast. A lot faster than usual.

Thank God, my brother was safe. He was still glued to the television. But there was no Neha?

"Ivan! Where is Neha?" I burst out, with my voice filled with some strange sought of anxiety and desperation.

And Ivan's reply. It brought a chilling sensation swept through my body.

"Bhai?" said he, with a confused expression"What are you talking about?"

"What?" I burst open, "You do not know Neha? The girl who just visited our home. The one who was sitting here on the sofa. You saw her. Right?"

Giving me a more perplexed expression ,"No one visited the house today

And now it is you who should stop the nonsense" he answered and continued his song.

"It's raining...

O spirit of Mahrisha! Do not come here!

Do not come here!"


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125 Reviews


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Fri Dec 01, 2017 3:05 am
LakeOfCancer wrote a review...



This was amazing. I mean like, sure, there were some grammatical errors and punctuation errors, but I find that this story was amazing. It was so suspenseful, keeping me on the edge of my seat. I was just surprised that the girl at the door wasn't Neha. I'm also surprised that his little brother was like, "No one visited the house today, and now it is you who should stop the nonsense." I was literally blown back into my chair, I was astonished by that line. I w thought, "Um, excuse me? Are you for real right now? That is a total joke kid, don't lie, you know Neha was in your house." Then I realized that maybe the goddess his little brother was talking about might've been the person who came to the door. But I don't know, it's just a theory, a game theory! No...it's not. This isn't a game, this is an online writing website that I really love....

Anyway, I digress, so this book is really good, find that this character...umm, Mahrisha, should be a creepy pasta, like make a sequel to it or something, and explain Mahrisha's life! That would be pretty interesting to read. Keep up the good work, I can't wait to read more of your stories!:)




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Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:58 am
MrBrainwasher wrote a review...



It was nicely engineered I would say.
Hy Ishan! MrBrainwasher here for a short review.
As I said, It was nicely engineered, because first, you as a narrator tell the audience that the idea of ghosts and spirits is totally absurd. It was important to the story because it made the end really spookier.
...
The problem with this piece is, it has not been edited. Lots of punctuation problem.
"Its raining. It's raining outside!!" >It's raining. It's raining outside! No need of two '!' It's wrong. Not Its.
"who was not allowed to marry her lover, Abhimanyu as the" there should be a comma after Abhimanyu
"Atleast somewhere. The weather was really spooky." there shouldn't be a period in this sentence.
That's it from me. Keep writing. All the best!




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Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:54 am
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hiya there. Pastel here for a hopefully helpful review and some rambling.

I’m short stories best friend and partner in crime, so I usually find something nice out of every one I read, no matter of quality. I liked this one for the rainy day vibe and the idea behind this - I enjoyed it quite a lot, it’s orginal and something I’ve never seen before. However, I was left quite a bit confised after reading this, it left me thinking, “Huh?” Although this isn’t entirely a bad thing, since sometimes ending it in a confusing way can work sometimes, I will say, it didn’t work in this case.

There was only a couple of things that confused me, but boooyyyy, it left me bad. This sounds really stupid and all, but if the spirit of Mahrisha is waiting for her prince to return, wouldn’t she just stay in the tower she committed suicide in, or would she roam? Or do our two main characters live in this said tower? Also, if Ivan was telling the spirit of Mahrisha not to come, then that wasn’t her that was taking form of Neha? Or is singing the song a way to summon her, kind of like Bloody Mary in a way? Or is it a way to keep her away from the house, even though she cane in anyway as the form of Neha? Ahh, I’m so confused!

My main criticism for this would maybe to tweak up some of the confusing scenes, and to fix up the formatting of this. While I don’t want to go to into it at the moment, just a couple of searches on here or anywhere in Google will help you within a couple of minutes.

Well, that’s the end of my review. Sorry if I was too harsh or if my review wasn’t helpful. Cheers!

- Pastel




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Sat Nov 25, 2017 8:56 pm
CateRose17 wrote a review...



Hey! Cate here for a review. Yours is the first one I've done in a while. Here it goes!

I first would like to say that the names used are so original, are they Indian? I love them! I also love the sense of horror you used, it was great, especially with the storm. For some reason I didn't feel like it was cliche in any way. Even though it's a great start to a story, here's a few pointers for you.

1. did you misspell or misuse the word "cum" ?

2. What does "minar" mean?

3. Don't stop so abruptly with the use of so many periods. Transition a little more smoothly.

4. no commas between "sense" & "my and "anger" & "he"

5. When narrating, use full words. Don't abbreviate Professor.

6. Try to separate texts from actual paragraph

7. pored= poured

8. If you didn't intend for it to appear the way it does, I highly advice you to take the story out of poem form.


Overall I give a 7/10 for content, magnetism and awesomeness of idea! I love it!




Ishan212 says...


Wow.. a fantastic display picture. Captain Sparrow. I'll answer all your questions:
The word 'cum' is same as 'or'. This is all I can say about it.
2 Minar is a tower.
Thank You
Ishan



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Sat Nov 25, 2017 7:00 pm
writer1204 wrote a review...



Hello there, Ishan212! Writer1204 here for a review! :)

I found it particularly interesting. You were able to deliver an entertaining story without the need to make it super long, and that's one of my favorite things!! Your imagery was great, the whole rainy mood just boosted your story and worked at your favor.

Overall, there's not much to say. I really, really liked it!
I hope to see more of you! :)
Have a great day.

Sincerely, Writer1204





What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
— Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu