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The MahaYodhya Series: Ch #1The Charrioteers of Vijaygarh

by Ishan212


“All Rise!!!

The Mahamantri of The Dhyaneshwar Samjrajya Shreedhar is entering the Rajya Sabha” The royal guard cried.

A slim man, with a slightly twisted turban on his head, and his right hand rolled over his greenish yellow silk, slightly developed chest, adorned with silver ornaments, which deeply contrasted

the bright yellow as worn by the royals, walked into the Durbar.

Just like all other Suryavanshis, or from the clan of the Sun, the Prime Minister also had the Glorifying Suryavanshi symbol of the Sun imprinted on his forehead with turmeric and vermellion, radiating it’s it’s light in all directions.

Stopping at the exact center of the architectural wonder of the Rajya Sabha,or the Assembly of the Royalty, so that he could use the technical knowledge of sound and reverberations, the Dhyaneshwar enggineers had used to design the court, to the fullest, he folded his hands to the Natraj Murati, the idol of their deity, Lord Shiva, that stood just a few metres above the royal throne and then, this man cleared his throat,

Namaskaram Samrat!” he folded his hands again in a Namaste to his Samrat, his emperor, ” Greetings to all the courtiers”, he said repeating the same process.

“Today, I have got two messages for this Rajya Sabha”,his voice echoed in the geometrically designed hall, “One is as good as if Narayan has himself ordered the Sun to rise over Vijaygarh”, he said referring to the capital of the Dhyaneshwar Empire, “And the other one is as bad as if the Demon Rahu has arrived eclipsed the very Sun, gifted to us, even before it has dawned.”

The second sentence invited marks of stress on the courtier’s faces.

“It is upto you, O Wise Men! What you want to listen to first?”, It was in ShreeDhar’s nature to play with words.

There was an sense of excitement and fear in the Dhyaneshwar Rajya Sabha, or the Assembly of the Royalty.

Soon, the silence took the form of murmuring and then as it was turning to chaos, a heavy voice erupted,

“Shreedhar, it is not the time for riddles. The question is about Empire’s future. Tell us what you know!”



Only and only one person in all the one hundred and eight kingdoms over which Vijaygarh ruled,had the courage to address the Mahamantri,the Prime Minister, the man who was the brains behind running this empire, by his name.

“Apologies, Dada”, smiled The Prime Minister through his greying beard, ” I almost forgot that the Greatest Dhyaneshwar warrior ever,The Founder of this Empire, Ajayindra Dhyaneshwar is himself in the Rajya Sabha”.

“The good news is that, ” the Mahamantri ignored the Dhyaneshwar patriarch, whose face still showed the resentment for the Prime Minister’s previous statement, ” The Empire has successfully annexed the Democracy ,of Janrajya.”

The entire Rajya Sabha burst into an applause.After all why wouldn’t they? The biggest enemy of the empire, the Democratic Nation of Janarajya was the only thorn in their way to rule the entire Jambudweepa. With it annexed,the entire Southern coastline was now under the control of Vijaygarh.



However, Ajayindra’s face remained unmoved, as if he knew what was coming next,but was waiting for the Prime Minister to utter the same.

“And the bad news is”, the entire applause died, as if an air of mystery and urgency penetrated the unbreakable walls of the Vijaygarh Royal Palace.

ShreeDhar, cleared his throat yet again, looking straight into the eyes of the Emperor, continued,

“The Kaleshwar battle ships have been spotted flowing towards the Eastern Coast of the country.”

The entire Rajya Sabha again exploded into murmuring. The atmosphere of mystery and urgency was replaced by blanket of fear and despair.

The Emperor turned his gaze towards the Family Patriarch, who was still sitting quietly on his throne, lost in a deep meditative thought.


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Mon Jun 01, 2020 3:30 pm
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Traves wrote a review...



Hello @Ishan212 ! Traves here for a quick review.

So, I immediately liked how you set up the story and atmosphere. It's a powerful empire, a devious (or maybe funny) Prime Minister and the hope of an interesting power dynamic between the Emperor and the Founder Patriarch, which is usually not seen. Usually there is one leader in such historical fiction works. Also, you depicted the strength of the Empire as well as its fears, and its opulence and technical advancement. These are the parts I liked.
I would be interested in reading the next chapter.

Now coming to the part I think could be improved. Some of it has already been pointed out by @Liberty , so I won't repeat them. You're using a lot of Hindi terminology, which is great as i feels accurate, but then you repeat what it actually means in English , every time you mention it. That is distracting, it wastes space and words, and is taking an interesting element away from the story because

For example —

Dhyaneshwar Rajya Sabha, or the Assembly of the Royalty.
is mentioned twice. Similarly for one or two other phrases. I would prefer it to be mentioned only once that it is the Assembly of the Royalty, or not even once, since I assume the readers can figure that out by themselves from the other hints in the story. That might be another way to introduce show-not-tell into the tale. (Further reading on show not tell if you're interested - https://kidlit.com/2009/12/18/what-show ... lly-means/)

I would recommend reading works of authors from the Indian subcontinent who write mythology or history/historical fiction in English. (You probably already do, so who was your inspiration for this story?). Authors like Amish, Ashok Banker, Vikram Chandra, Chitra Banerjee have a certain way of introducing Indian terminology into their works in a way that feels natural yet informative and interesting.

Another slightly incongruent part was seeing the word "durbar" being used together with "sabha". The first is Persian-origin Urdu, and the other is Hindi. Judging from the naming of the characters, it appears to be a Hindu kingdom, so "durbar" is a bit suspicious. It would make sense if it was a post Delhi-Sultanate or post Mughal era kingdom, and that would be a clue as to the time period of this historical fiction work. You of course have full freedom to change and mix things up since the genre is historical fiction and not alternative history. (https://naylenerondon.wordpress.com/201 ... nge-bonus/)

I would want slightly more characters to be introduced or plot to be covered, otherwise this feels more like a prologue than the actual first chapter.
Other than that, I don't have a lot to say as this is a short chapter. I did have fun reading this, and the historical accuracy of forts/structures designed so well that certain places were perfect for carrying sound clearly to areas far away was a nice touch.

Tag me when you release the next part and keep writing!




Ishan212 says...


Thank you for your detailed review@Traves!
Yes you guess it right about me reading Historical Fiction (Xd). Amish, Ashwin Sanghi and Anand Neelkanth are my favourite author.
I was also wondering the same thing about the usage of 'durbar', I'll surely change it.
And thank you for the links you've provided!
You can read the other chapters by following my blog:
https://theshootingstars.home.blog/2020 ... position=0.



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Mon May 11, 2020 3:06 am
Liberty wrote a review...



Hello Ishan!

Hope you're doing well today. I'm here to review you're work. Let's dig right in!

I've read through this and it sounds very interesting. I'm assuming this is an Indian based novel, because I searched up some of the Hindi words and Indian popped up each time. I also have a feeling that this might be something historical - because, the whole royalty thing. I dunno, this piece is giving me a historical vibe. Maybe it's the way they're dressed and the way they're talking? Not sure, but it something.

But anyways, the vibe I'm getting from this is nice! I like it! :)

Now, onto the nitpicks:

“All Rise!!!

The Mahamantri of The Dhyaneshwar Samjrajya Shreedhar is entering the Rajya Sabha” The royal guard cried.

Probably keep the first and second lines here in the same paragraph - it would be better structured.

A slim man, with a slightly twisted turban on his head, and his right hand rolled over his greenish yellow silk, slightly developed chest, adorned with silver ornaments, which deeply contrasted

the bright yellow as worn by the royals, walked into the Durbar.

Same with over here.

Just like all other Suryavanshis, or from the clan of the Sun, the Prime Minister also had the Glorifying Suryavanshi symbol of the Sun imprinted on his forehead with turmeric and vermellion, radiating it’s it’s light in all directions.

*glorifying - no need to capitalize the 'g'
*vermilion - the spelling was wrong

the Dhyaneshwar enggineers had used to design the court,

*engineers

There was an sense of excitement and fear in the Dhyaneshwar Rajya Sabha, or the Assembly of the Royalty.

Since you've already mentioned that the Dhyaneshwar Rajya Sabha is the Assemble of the Royalty, you should either use the the Hindi (I think it's Hindi, please correct me if I'm wrong ;-;) or English version of it.

Oh that's a sudden stop to the chapter, haha.

Alright, that's it for my review! I hope it helped in some sort of way. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. Your writing is great!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




Ishan212 says...


First of all thank you @Liberty for reviewing my work.
Yes, you are correct when you say that you find this novel historical, as it is based on an Ancient Empire.
There are multiple Hindi words, used as well.
Am glad you liked it.
And yes..in India we spell "vermilion" as "vermillion": not your mistake either..it's just that age old American v British English confusion.%uD83D%uDE01%uD83D%uDE05



Liberty says...


Ohh alright!



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Fri May 08, 2020 1:14 pm
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BhavyaMehta123 says...



Hi! Not a review. But, would say a great start. I would love to read other chapters also.





I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
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