Hello @Ishan212 ! Traves here for a quick review.
So, I immediately liked how you set up the story and atmosphere. It's a powerful empire, a devious (or maybe funny) Prime Minister and the hope of an interesting power dynamic between the Emperor and the Founder Patriarch, which is usually not seen. Usually there is one leader in such historical fiction works. Also, you depicted the strength of the Empire as well as its fears, and its opulence and technical advancement. These are the parts I liked.
I would be interested in reading the next chapter.
Now coming to the part I think could be improved. Some of it has already been pointed out by @Liberty , so I won't repeat them. You're using a lot of Hindi terminology, which is great as i feels accurate, but then you repeat what it actually means in English , every time you mention it. That is distracting, it wastes space and words, and is taking an interesting element away from the story because
For example —
is mentioned twice. Similarly for one or two other phrases. I would prefer it to be mentioned only once that it is the Assembly of the Royalty, or not even once, since I assume the readers can figure that out by themselves from the other hints in the story. That might be another way to introduce show-not-tell into the tale. (Further reading on show not tell if you're interested - https://kidlit.com/2009/12/18/what-show ... lly-means/)Dhyaneshwar Rajya Sabha, or the Assembly of the Royalty.
I would recommend reading works of authors from the Indian subcontinent who write mythology or history/historical fiction in English. (You probably already do, so who was your inspiration for this story?). Authors like Amish, Ashok Banker, Vikram Chandra, Chitra Banerjee have a certain way of introducing Indian terminology into their works in a way that feels natural yet informative and interesting.
Another slightly incongruent part was seeing the word "durbar" being used together with "sabha". The first is Persian-origin Urdu, and the other is Hindi. Judging from the naming of the characters, it appears to be a Hindu kingdom, so "durbar" is a bit suspicious. It would make sense if it was a post Delhi-Sultanate or post Mughal era kingdom, and that would be a clue as to the time period of this historical fiction work. You of course have full freedom to change and mix things up since the genre is historical fiction and not alternative history. (https://naylenerondon.wordpress.com/201 ... nge-bonus/)
I would want slightly more characters to be introduced or plot to be covered, otherwise this feels more like a prologue than the actual first chapter.
Other than that, I don't have a lot to say as this is a short chapter. I did have fun reading this, and the historical accuracy of forts/structures designed so well that certain places were perfect for carrying sound clearly to areas far away was a nice touch.
Tag me when you release the next part and keep writing!
Points: 400
Reviews: 66
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