A Cloudless Night
Standing on a hill top
On a cloudless night
Is the best experience
One could get at night
It was the most beautiful sight
I saw on the hill top on a cloudless night.
Stars twinkling in the never ending sky
Made me cry
As I wondered what message
Do they send from our World
To that of beyond the sky.
But what fascinated me the most
Was the moon;
For which I thought
That it would never doom
But it disappointed me
By changing its face
Every fifteen days.
This was the best experience
I had ever got
And I thanked the nature
For all the wealth it had brought to me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek, here to review another amazing piece of literacy and beat the Werewolves once and for all! For the Witches shall win in the end! But before that happens, I am going to help you improve your writing as a whole and improve you as a Young Writer in the process. Of this I am certain. I like all literacy, regardless of what genre or subject it is falls under. When I review your work, this will become apparent to you. Are you ready? Let's begin the review!
I love this poem because it experiences the true celestial beauty contained right outside of our homes. All we have to do is glance up at the stars, and there they are, the most beautiful objects known to mankind; stars! They are ur hope, our wishes, our life, our love, and our warmth. The stars are a way for us to ast out our rods of consciousness and reel in the fish of beauty, and what is more beautiful than that of the Gods? Truly, this poem, especially the part about crying, is a quintessential representation of the true beauty contained in the stars above the clouds. Thank you for writing such a perfect masterpiece and a beautiful representation of what stars really mean to us, and what messages they send us through the whispers of beauty they send.
-ZeldaIsShiek
ZeldalsShiek
This was my first poem and my first ever work for Young Writers.
I had myself not bothered to read it again.
But you know poetry is immortal....
Thanks a lot.
Your review means a lot lot to me.
Ishan
I really liked this one, and I was happy to review it.
This is a wonderful poem. I love how it ends, with "For all the wealth it had brought to me." It sort of reminds me a little kid, who is just now learning about all of these wonders. I really like when you wrote about the moon, and how you described it. Awesome poem!
Hi,
This is a very sweet poem. I Enjoyed reading it.
there are some places where you can do a little improvisations. Instead of the line "Stars twinkling in the sky" you can write " twinkling stars in the sky" it will sound better.
In the line "But it disappointed me" just add a word soon it will rhyme and sound better.
And the last line just remove the words "to me" which will make it sound better.
Those are just few suggestions according to my opinion hope you find it helpful
Keep writing
Cheers
[b]Standing on a hill top
On a cloudless night
Is the best experience
One could get at night
It was the most beautiful sight
I saw on the hill top on a cloudless night.[b]
I'm just going to put this here because it's amazing. It reminds me so much of Doctor Seuss that it's freaky. I love how you skip a line for the rhyming then don't skip. It's amazing and would make a great picture book!
It's a lovely poem. I have no nitpicks whatsoever. I love the night sky and this was very relatable. Well done.
That was a beautiful poem. I can definitely say that I have experienced that, but I was on the roof and not on a hill, though our house does sit on a slope. This was a very well written poem and it almost made me cry. Congratulations on impressing me so much!!!!
I think because you wrote this poem so well I will follow you. *follows*
Hello, Ishan. Welcome to YWS! Margo here for a review of your first YWS poem!
Cloudless nights certainly are beautiful. There's nothing like the breathtaking site of a sky full of stars. You've chosen a great topic to write about.
You can either choose to ryhme with poetry or not. You chose to ryhme. Try coming up with a ryhming scheme for your poems. You could choose to have every other line ryhme or every line ryhme or whatever you please. Just so long as it's got flow to it.
Find a word to ryhme with night other than night.
For example:
Standing on a hilltop on a cloudless night,
Is the best experience; a breathtaking sight.
This has more flow and sounds better when read. To acheive good flow it is important to have a strong ryhming scheme as well as similar syllables in your lines. The first line in my example has eleven syllables and the second has twelve. Thus, there is good flow between the two lines. Try not to ryhme the same sound over and over. After using a couplet that ends in 'ite' try finding different couplets for your next lines.
For example, instead of:
Try something like:
Standing on a hilltop on a cloudless night,
Is the best experience; a breathtaking sight.
When I see those stars twinkling in the sky,
I am so touched with their beauty I want to cry.
Now you could talk about the moon using this same ryhming scheme.
I hope you find my suggestions helpful. Experiment with this poem until you are pleased with how it sounds when you read it. Remember, a good work is never done! Keep expressing yourself, friend.
--MS
Hi
EPICnumber1 here for a review...
I like this poem alot but I don't think it flowed as well as it could I'll try and help you but just keep in mind that these are suggestions, you don't have to use anything I say.
________________________
Firstly I love the title and the topic great idea but I don't think you described it as well as you could have and as the reader I should be able to imagine standing on a hill top on a cloudless night but I couldn't.
________________________
I think you should consider clumping it in to stanzas because this will help it flow alot better that it does.
_______________________
I will have to agree with theironnovelist on the word got as not being a very exciting word it doesn't it isn't very compelling at all and it is repeated way too much in this poem.
_______________________
My favourite lines were the first two as you tell us what you are going to desicribe but after that the poem just went downwards. Rhyming night with night and not describing as well as you should have.
_______________________
This poem lacks imagery but has sudden bursts of inspriartion but the inspiration doesn't consist through out the poem some lines are great some just... arn't
_______________________
I don'y see any rythm which is why I think stanzas will work.
______________________
Overall this is a good poem but with added lines, more inspiration and a few rereads this could be fantasic. Love the idea by the way.
Keep writing~~
___________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EPICnumber1~~
hello there!
I just posted my first YWS poem a few days ago, so I know how intimidating that can be.
(Oh, and just a note, I usually focus on content of a piece, so I'll probably miss some convention things to review.)
Firstly, I like the concept of this poem. Your exchanges of short and longer phrases are nice.
I would suggest clumping them into stanzas, though, to make the flow easier.
Content-wise, I liked your last two lines best. This is use of good imagery/similes. I would have liked to have seen more of this throughout the rest of the piece. I have this thing where I'll be pretty lost for the first few stanzas of my poem and suddenly get a burst of inspiration at the end. It takes a few revisions to get the same effect throughout the whole thing.
A few convention (I guess)-type-things:
'Standing on a hill top
On a cloudless night
Is the best experience
One could get at night'
Rhyming 'night' with 'night'. I would definitely change this.
Also, in this section and:
'This was the best experience
I had ever got'
'Got', I feel, is used too often. It's not a very...nice word. Not descriptive or compelling or gripping. Try to find good synonyms or rearrange the phrases.
Overall in this poem, I think you could have found better word choices for more than one phrase. Reread it a few times and try to find places where you could add more description or change sentences to make more sense, exchange a mediocre phrase for a metaphorical one. Expand and add detail. Imagery.
Poetry is all about imagery.
Another thing I was just curious about: did you intentionally capitalize 'World' in that one line? Because, if you did, I like it. xD
A good start to your poetry career! Keep working to improve!
Hope I helped a bit
~iron.n