That Town

by Ishan212

Published October 9, 2014

E - Everyone

In Folder 1

That Town

“What are you doing up there?” my father shouted. “We’re getting late!”

I, Ivan and Shairaz, along with our parents were going to Uttaranchal for a holiday. We first went to a place called Lansdalhousie, as my father had some office work there and then we went off to Nanital.

My father’s colleagues were present at the Lansdalhousie railway station to welcome us. As dad drove us through the beautiful Shivaliks, I could see the toy like British Bungalows lined one after the other throughout the town. After an hour long drive we reached our destination ‘The Palace of Maharaj Ravishankaram Rajshekhram’ which was renovated into a Guest House.

***

The very next day, I along with Ivan and Shairaz went out to explore the place. I was having my Handicam N 2002 worth Rs.20000 hung on my neck. We had woken up very early and had not eaten anything since last night (As we were very tired), so we decided to have breakfast in the tea shop nearby.

We all went up to the tea shop. It was owned by an old man called Keemant Lal. After having our breakfast I asked him “Keemant, would you please tell us something interesting about the place?"

He looked at me for a minute or two and then finally said “Beta, I’ve been living here since my childhood and I know everything about the place. The most interesting site here is the Palace of Maharaj Ravishankaram Rajshekhram.”

Suddenly Ivan said “It is the place where we are staying. Mr Keemant please tell us what is so interesting about it.”

Keemant said “Oh My, I can’t tell you the story.”

He was interrupted by Shairaz “Uncle please tell us the story”

“No No. beta. I can’t tell you.”

After a lot of hesitation, Keemant finally agreed to tell us the story but on the condition that we will not tell anyone about it. We agreed.

He started “Lansdalhousie is a town of the British era. It was built in the mid nineteenth century, by the British general Sir William Dalhousie. As the state of Terrai came under the British Empire, our Maharaj Ravishankaram was in close contact with the English sahib. They were good friends till-”

He was interrupted by Shariaz “Till what bhaiya?

He said “I’m telling you beta.” He continued “Till Lansdalhousie discovered that his daughter, Mary had a love affair with the king. He couldn’t stand his daughter marrying a Hindu king. So he sent his daughter back to England and held the king as a captive for years. Our king was tortured for almost two years till-”

He was interrupted again, this time by Ivan “Till what Keemant?” This time he ignored my brother and continued “Till the day of Durga Aashtami. He suddenly disappeared on that day. The sudden disappearance of Maharaj Rajshekhram is the biggest unsolved mystery in Lansdalhousie till date.”

We thanked Keemant for telling us the story and before leaving we clicked some photographs with Keemant.

***

On our way back, I was going through the photographs I clicked (from my Handicam N 2002 worth Rs.20000). There was I, Ivan was on my right and Shairaz was on my left. Wait. It was impossible. But there was no Keemant. There was no tea stall. Suddenly Ivan said (softly so that mum and dad couldn’t here) “Bhai I enjoyed the trip but what I didn’t like was that I didn’t solve the mystery. Do you know, where the king might be?”

I said “The king was with us all the time it was Keemant.”

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
GoldenQuill
Review
GoldenQuill wrote a review Review · Oct 10, 2014

Hi hi hi! I'm ZlyWilk, and I'm your worst nightmare.
The grammar police.
Are you ready, hun?
My edits will be bolded and in red. Anything I'm taking out will be crossed out.
Also, always remember that I love you, and all of this is so that you can be the best that you can be!

I, Ivan, and Shairaz, along with our parents, were going to Uttaranchal for a holiday.

Oh, that Oxford comma does us bad! Here, this comma is near required, due to the fact that it reads that the person who is writing this has the name and identification of "Ivan and Shairaz". Technically, though, the grammatically correct wording of this is Ivan, Shairaz, and I.

The very next day, I along with Ivan and Shairaz went out to explore the place.

Suggest reword to: The very next day, Ivan, Shairaz, and I went out to explore the place. Technically, when writing, "I" always comes last.

I was having had my Handicam N 2002 worth Rs.20000 hung on my neck.


We had woken up very early and had not eaten anything since last night (Aas we were very tired)

Also, though it's kind of obvious, you probably should write something like as we were very tired the previous night, because without that specification, it seems like you were very tired that morning, and... yeah...

This review would get a bit long if I did all of them, but every time you write said, any other word that identifies speaking, or the name of someone, put a comma. Examples of what I'm talking about below:

Suddenly Ivan said, “It is the place where

“Uncle, please tell us the story”


Also,
“No No. bBeta. I can’t tell you.”

Always capitalize the beginning of a sentence.

We thanked Keemant for telling us the story, and before leaving, we clicked some photographs with Keemant.

It's more common to say you took photographs with someone but, yeah, I'll give you that one.

On our way back, I was going through the photographs I'd clicked (from my Handicam N 2002 worth Rs.20000).


Shariaz. “Till what, bhaiya?


Suddenly Ivan said(,softly, so that mMum and dDad couldn’t herehear), “Bhai, I enjoyed the trip


I said, “The king was with us all the time. It was Keemant.”


Alright... on to more plotty or word-play-y stuff.

“We’re getting late!”

You're getting milk. You're getting a car. You're getting a cat. You're not, however, getting late. You are late. "We're going to be late!" or "It's getting late, we'll miss our train!" is much, much more suggested.

My father’s colleagues were present at the Lansdalhousie railway station to welcome us.

I thought you guys were going on holiday? Or is your dad on a business trip and then you guys are going on holiday? I don't know.

He was interrupted by Shairaz “Uncle please tell us the story”

"Uncle"? It could be a cultural thing, or just a thing that one calls another, but it completely sounded like you guys wreen't related, and now it sounds like... you... are?

“Till the day of Durga Aashtami. He suddenly disappeared on that day. The sudden disappearance

The repetition of these two words is very... tiring?



MAIN NITPICKS:
1. The grammar and spelling mentioned above.
2. Lack of description. What do the characters see? What does the world around them look like? Feel like? I'm unsure.
3. To italicize or not? Sometimes, you italicize words members might not know, because they are titles in foreign cultures. Other times, you don't. I suggest you pick one or the other.
4. You use 'said' almost every single time someone speaks. The repetition is not very well received to a reader. Using said occasionally is fine, but if it reads "Blank said, then Nothing said, then Blank said, then Nothing said again, then Blank said", it's not as appealing to readers.
5. No fall out? No reaction when they found out Keemant was the ghost? That's a bit disappointing. Also, the fact that Keemant didn't attempt to tell the story any differently even though it was about him was... eh.

TIPS AND PRAISES
Tips
Attempt to build up more suspense! Use more visuals! Also, know what to focus on. You spent more time telling us what type of camera he had than you did actually telling us about the surroundings, the setting, and the main point!
Praises
This is a really great idea! To run into a lonely shop owner who happens to be a ghost that had been missing for years? Take it further! Can other people see him? So the tea they were drinking wasn't real, right? Did it feel real? Look real? Do your best to set the stage, darling! Only you can see inside your head!

Thank you so much for posting this, and please, remember to keep on writing!

Zilly Wik,
You are writing as if you are teaching English at Oxford. If my work was having grammatical errors why didn't MS Word underline them? I would write it clearly that I DO NOT LIKE TO GET TIPS. So please Do NOT ever give me tips in the future. And one more thing. Please don't think that you are the only person here who knows how to criticize other people's works.
I'm again telling you please do not give me tips again.
Thank You

I am sorry for the comment. I must see my mistakes and try to improve them. Please forgive me for my comment Again sorry.

I deeply apologize if any party of my review upset you! Nitpicky grammatical reviews are what I specialize in! Remember that I never mean to upset anyone, only make them a better writer! Your idea is great and you're on the right track! Please keep writing! :)

User avatar
Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review Review · Oct 10, 2014

Hello! I'm here to review. :)

Oh my goodness, there's so many big words that I can't pronounce! This isn't a nitpick, it's good for my learning. These are places in India, right?

but on the condition that we will not tell anyone about it.

On the condition that we would not tell...

Wow! So he was a ghost all along? That's pretty cool. I was wondering how you would finish the short story in one paragraph, but you did it brilliantly! If you ever consider expanding on the story, I would like to know what happens afterwards. Maybe they could go back and try to find the king again. Anyway, it's up to you.

It's a great short story! Well done.

Thank you Jazzdracula for your review. I would make the meanings of those Indian words for you and for our other non Hindi speaking friends.

beta; son. In India it is a way of expressing affection towards someone.
bhaiya;brother. It is also a way of expressing affection towards someone.
Maharaj; king
Ravishankaram Rajshekharam is the name of the king.
Uttranchal(now called Uttrakhand) is a state in North India
Nanital is a city in Uttranchal. It is famous for its nine lakes.(Nani means nine and tal means lake)
Lansdalhousie is an imaginary town.



We're all stories in the end.
— 11th Doctor