I Am Sinking

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

So, first thing I notice is that a bunch of places are missing commas. Those places would be "I am Sinking", "I am Sinking", "The ocean of her eyes ", "Her eyes are blue", "Her eyes are deep", "I am speechless", "I am speechless", "Whenever she calls my name", "Her voice is sweet", "Her voice is mild", "Her voice is like the flowers", "I do not know", "I do not know", and lastly "My Friends". Otherwise I noticed no other grammar or spelling mistakes. The flow was good as well.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you like a girl, everything about her is just exquisite to you. But then again, you are not doing anything about it. You can see her slipping away and falling for another and you ask you friends why you are not doing anything about it. You are sinking and you do not have a clue about what you could do to fix this sticky situation.

Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek, here to review another amazing piece of literacy and beat the Werewolves once and for all! For the Witches shall win in the end! But before that happens, I am going to help you improve your writing as a whole and improve you as a Young Writer in the process. Of this I am certain. I like all literacy, regardless of what genre or subject it is falls under. When I review your work, this will become apparent to you. Are you ready? Let's begin the review!

This song seems to be about love and falling in love with someone who is beautiful on the outside and the inside, but probably more on the inside, since the poet states that earthly pleasures are in vain and that she is what is most important to him. Of course, this could just be the poet reminding himself that worldly pleasures are not of the essence of life and should not matter to him as much as meditation and spirituality, if that is what he believes. I am not attracted to either gender, so I can not relate to this feeling and find it kind of foolish, so all I can say about his reaction is that it is probably natural for people to feel that way towards people they love. If that is important to them, then is it not our first duty to seek out and collect true beauty in our world to prove its meaning and majesty? Thanks for another incredible poem!

-ZeldaIsShiek

Legacy here for a review.

I dislike how you repeated multiple things. I think where there is multiple lines that say the same thing you could cut that so it just says it once. Ending the stanzas with the repeating would make it work better though.

The story is there and you have good imagery. I feel it was cut a little too short. I also dislike how you mention her eyes and not much else about her. It would work if the love that the narrator has is just a puppy love, but the way it is described, it is more than an innocent puppy love (if you know what I mean).

Good job with the poem but some revision would help the message of the poem.

I liked this.
I like the use of repititon, i feel like it really emphasized the depth of what you were trying to say.
I feel like you really hit the nail on the head and we instantly got the message that this is in fact, a love story.
I also like the use of imagery: the peacock and the shooting stars parts.

It also strikes me as one of those love stories where its a guy pining after a girl he can't really have but its irresistible all the same. Is that right or wrong?

However, a few things confused me.
1) "whenever she calls my name
I am tempted to think
The worldly pleasures are in vain"
Ï didn't quite understand that.

2) "My Friends
Why am I sinking in the ocean
And letting my life go in vain?"
Ï have an idea of what you're trying to say but still not pretty sure. I feel like the last part sort of killed the vibe of the poem and like it should have ended on another note.

It was too quick! You didn't really give us the chance to feel what you were saying.
We want that chance!

I like the way you write though and I want to see more of this
Cheers!

Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

Another extremely deep piece of writing from yourself, and very, very effective as well! I really like the way you used anaphora and the Rule of Threes in your poem, making it very effective. As well as this, I really like how you describe the lady/girl the narrator is in love with. You also use very stereotypical lines that a lover would describe their other half, which I think is also pretty effective, but also lets the story down a bit. While I'm on about something you could improve, you did repeat the phrase 'her eyes' a little too much, which just didn't sound too nice. Next time, try not to repeat things too often, even the slightest bit. Imagine that writing poetry is like cooking; you have to use the right amount of ingredients, otherwise the taste of the dish will not be as effective as you intended it to be.

Overall, a fabulous emotional poem and I look forward to reading more pieces from you!

Midnightmoon here. I don't think I've come across a more expressive poem! I really have no corrections to make. This poem is AMAZING! I love how you really make the reader feel the poem. The reader has no trouble at all understanding this poem. I think my favorite verse is this one,

"Why I am Sinking in the ocean

And letting my life go in vain?"

It is beautifully but together, beautifully written, it's great! I don't think I can emphasize that enough. You know, I thought my poems expressed my feelings well, especially since I cried as I wrote some of them. . But this one.....Beats all. I was really glad to read it and I think I'm going to memorize it. (If you don't mind) .
Keep writing!