Fight

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem that describes the world as a battlefield where filled with the selfishly uncaring and hostile. The poem seems to suggests that the reader should view it in the same way.

I understood the poem as describing the world from a purely social perspective. Humans can indeed be viciously cruel and totally selfish. Weaknesses are often targeted. It has very often been referred to as a dog-eat-dog world. Most people would agree with the poem’s descrioptiopn.

Other possible interpretation:

The word “world", of course, can be understood in two ways. One is in reference to the natural world and the other to the world as represented by human society. A case can be made for both as being hostile. After all, nature will attempt to kill a socially isolated person. For exampkle a person who might get lost in a forest or stranded on some isolated island. Staying alive rthen becomes a very serious issue since the weather and predators such as wolves, bears, lions, crocs, coyotes must be contended with. If shelter isn’t found hypothermia might set in. If food isn’t procured then starvation sets in and death follows shortly. That’s if predators don’t eliminate us first.

So the poem is certainly describing a truth from both perspectives.


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Suggestions

Reducing the use of the phrase [the world] would be nice.

The meter needs tweaking in order to promote smooth flow.
Below are numbers that indicate how the poem’s meter changes in a seemingly inconsitent way. The numbers are the meter beats of each line.
Keepin the poem at two beats per line in the way it started out would be an improvement.

The world doesn't like you[.] 2

The world doesn't care[.] 2

The world doesn't want you[.] 2

The world doesn't want to share[.] 4

The world is selfish[.] 2

The world is mean[.] 2

The world is unhappy[,] 2

[a]nd full of hatred and unfaithful weeds[.] 4

The world is not your friend, 3 [Seems redundant.]

The world doesn't want to lend[.] 3

The world is just a battlefield 4

[a]nd feasts on blood and pain. 3

So pull on your socks [unless]you run out of time[.] 5

Get your bullets ready[,] 3

[a]s it's time to fight. 3

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Hey there! Happy Review Day!

So, I get this. I have days where good gravy would I ever love to be on Mars! Our world can be so brutal and horrible and unbearable. Sometimes it's hard to put one foot in front of the other and march on!

On the other hand, I don't really think it's the 'world's' fault. I think it's human's fault! The only problems in this world, are problems we create for ourselves. Which is one reason that makes it easier for me to forget about the issues our world has, and concentrate on the good! Like baby bunnies! c:

The repetition of "the world" was a bit much for me. In poetry, less is more. Which means that sometimes repetition, especially when repeating so often, can be a bad thing. It feels more like your reading a chant then a poem, sometimes. The other thing I noticed is the word choice in this poem is a not super creative. Don't tell me the world is selfish, show me that it is. Don't tell me it's unhappy, mean- show me! Tell me how the jagged rocks of cliffs cut your ankles until there's no more blood to bleed! Tell me the moon has turned it's back on us because it can't bare the sight of this world anymore, and that's why it's only around at night, when everyone's asleep! Anyone can say the world is a terrible place, but not everyone takes the time to tell us why, and to show us the proof. This can be applied to most poetry and writing.

The other thing I thought was a little off was that there was all this repetition, and then suddenly at the end, the repetition was gone.

Also, there's a time limit? How exactly do we fight? Are bullets really going to do the trick? What are we shooting at? I feel like you could go into way more depth, because even though I thought I could understand the initial idea of the messed up world and hating it- shooting at things is not going to solve all the worlds problems, some might argue that it wouldn't solve ANY of them! But that's just my thoughts.

Also why is the world not anyone's friend? Again, maybe this is 'cause I feel people are the problems, not the earth, but the world is actually pretty dang cool when you think about. Everything is so detailed, so vibrant! How could it not be our friend? It's letting us live on it.

Anyways, I hope this was helpful! Keep it up, my friend! I'm looking forward to seeing more from you! C:

-Socks

Hi Ishan,
just a few thoughts for review day....

1)The repetition in the first part of the poem is nice but it's a bit unclear where the speaker is coming from, why they're saying any of it, maybe you could provide some lines of context towards the first half of the piece?

2)I enjoy your metaphor of unfaithful weeds to the world and then the "feasts of blood and pain" is a pretty gruesome description too -- I'd love to see you expand and delve into these more unique elements of the piece to highlight some of the interesting imagery work you're doing in the poem.

3)The poem didn't feel particularly grounded in reality. This is probably my main critique. You describe all that's wrong with the world, you say the world is like a battlefield but I never really get a sense of why the speaker thinks any of this. I want more connection to how these things are true or why the speaker feels this way. Those aspects would help me as a reader connect more to the poem emotionally and also understand the speaker better.

4)The line "pull on your socks" seems a bit out of place - I don't know if this is just a U.S. thing, but that line makes me feel like you're saying "get on your pajamas" or "put on some fuzzy slippers" -- it doesn't really say "get ready for battle" to me -- it's just not quite as intense as the other lines around it.

5)I would lastly suggest that you look again at some of your wordchoice in the first half of the piece. Words like "mean" and "unhappy" are succinct but their meanings are vague which means that it's hard for readers to place what they are saying into the greater context of the poem specifically.

Thank you for sharing your work! I look forward to reading more of your poems in the future.

~alliyah

This poem has been brought to you by Team Werewolves. Happy Review Day!

Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek, here to review another amazing piece of poetry and beat the Werewolves once and for all! For the Witches shall win in the end! But before that happens, I am going to help you improve your writing as a whole and improve you as a Young Writer in the process. Of this I am certain. Are you ready? Let's begin the review!

I REALLY like this poem, especially because of its repetition. The lines repeating until the very end is very fitting, especially since the world does not care, and you have to get out the weapons and fight against the world to tell it you don't care what it thinks and break the cycle! I really like how you did this, and I think you are an amazing poet who deserves to have a perfect review for this poem. The only thing that I didn't really like about this poem was how you used periods and capital letters, but you did not use commas or colons/semicolons in your poem all the time.

I really liked how you continued to compare the world to a battlefield or a war, since that really is what the world is; a battlefield where everyday a war is going on over who leads, who is accepted, who is okay, who is normal, and are we going to take it? NO! Thanks for another great poem by a great poet!

-ZeldaIsShiek

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

So, to start off this review many places are missing commas unless no periods, commas and things alike are your style. And the first...hold on I need to do math. Ewwwww. The first seven lines are extremely repetitive in the beginning and it makes it seem bland. Change that maybe? The lines missing commas would be

1. "The world doesn't care" This one joins the comma club.

2."The world doesn't want you" beginning, this line also joins the club.

3."The world doesn't want to share" OMG Becky, this line also requires a comma!

4."The world is selfish" Guess what? This line needs a comma.

5."The world is mean" I think you know what this line needs.

6."The world is unhappy" You better know what it needs by now.

7. "The world is not your friend" Now I am getting worried, the comma club is getting so full.

8. "So pull on your socks until you run out of time" Look at the poor comma club, it needs more room.

9. "Get your bullets ready" Last one. You know what is needed.

Otherwise I did not notice any other grammar or spelling mistakes so good job there! The flow was rather iffy but everything else was fine, I believe.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you are sick of the world and some or all of its people. maybe even yourself. You think it does not care, that no one does, that most are selfish and that most mean you harm. That the world is only one big world war, rather literally. Everyone wants something but most do not get what they want and sometimes they get so angry that they cannot help but act out in some form of violence. You are telling us to get ready for what heads our way and get ready to fight, no? But you should have at least one person who you would trust with your life, your children's. Having some one to talk to about anything is better then anything else in this world. yes, the world will throw things at you but it is only a road block. The world is like our imagination. We can mold it however we want but we go to far and someone might break. Keep that in mind, no?

Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

Hello Ishan212,

Here to review your poem entitled 'Fight'

Overall I have a massive improvement to give you. It would sound alot better if you added a comma at the end of every 2nd line - what I mean is after 2 lines you should add a comma ------> e.g 'The world doesn't like you The word doesn't care, <--

Also I'm unsure of who exactly the fight is against. Is it the word? The government? Is it a single person involved - the speaker perhaps? Of course I don't expect you to explain it all in the poem because that's what symbolisation and suggestions are for, but I would like to know a little bit more about the violence - a result of the world being 'messed' up.

Other than that I quite like this poem - hopefully you agree with me

If you questions in regards to my review or any other inquiries, please don't hesitate to PM me!

PenmanshipPriority