So old with hair grey
Wore a watch and a sari
"My Dear Friends"
She would say.
I once met a teacher
Sometimes motivating and inspiring
Like the dawn
And who used to thunder sometimes
Like the most devastating storm.
I once met a teacher
Who used to go mad at the lab
"Use the chemicals judiciously"
Always she would add.
I once met a teacher
Always keen to teach
Be it snow, hail or rain
She was never on a leave.
This teacher was you
Ma'am
The Sun, The Moon and the Flame
Will you now leaving,
Will life ever be the same?
©ishan_dhyani
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hey Ishan212!!
I really love this poem of yours!
One thing I'd like to suggest is that in the following sentence: "Will you now leaving," I couldn't understand what you were trying to express. You might want to change that so it'll be easier to understand for me and other people.
I understand your feelings towards this teacher of yours, Ishan212. I went through it too.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
That was very good. It made me remember of a teacher of mine who retired. The poem concretely succeeded in describing a student's love towards her teacher who made him successful in his endeavours.
The poem has a good construction throughout. It was very well-formed.
Suggestion- Although the poem was seemingly complete, if you had added some more lines on the teacher's love for her students, I would have liked it even more.
You should have given a line break after "I once met a teacher"
Overall a very good poem and
Great work!
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem in honor of a teacher who has retired. The poem expresses admiration by describing memories of the retiring teacher that made a deep impression on the student.
The student begins with the observation that the teacher was grey haired and very old. Then that she thundered like a devastating storm and was a bit crazy at the laboratory sometimes. Was never absent from class. Was sometimes motivating. Wore a watch and dressed in a sari. Then the speaker compares her with sun, moon, flame and asks if everything will be the same without them as personified in the teacher.
What I like
I like the use of sun moon and flame to describe the teacher's personality.
The use of dawn to describe the effect she had on her students.
The description of what she wore in order fro the reader to visualize her more clearly.
I also like the tone conveys a sincere attempt at honoring the retiring teacher.
Reminded me of a teacher I had by the name of Mrs Belet who was special in a similar inspiring manner.
Suggestions
The capitalization of the first letter of each new line made me stop and back up because I didn’t know whether the next line was truly starting a new thought or was a continuation of the line above it.
Meaning
So old with hair grey . . . .
[Please note that describing someone as old and Grey-haired isn't a compliment. Retirement is a painful experience because it means that the person can no longer do the job. If age has something to do with it, then it causes bitterness and fear that death is near. So I would not include the gray hair and oldness observation in the poem.]
I once met a teacher . . . .
[I once knew a teacher . . . . Once meeting is a brief encounter.]
Who used to go mad at the lab.
[Please note that going mad is to go insane.]
Punctuation suggestions:
"My Dear Friends" she would say.
["My Dear Friends," she would say.]
Wore a watch and a sari[.]
Be it snow, hail or rain[.]
Ma'am[.]
Flame[,]
Will you now [be] leaving[?]
Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
This was an awesome poetry. I liked the way you have portrayed your teacher.
The words itself paints the respect you have for her.When I went through your words, I got my favorite teacher's picture displaying in my head.
It was so touching. Your poem symbolises my favourite quote, " A good TEACHER is like a candle – it consumes itself to LIGHT the way for others."
I liked these lines a lot:
"I once met a teacher
Always keen to teach
Be it snow, hail or rain
She was never on a leave.
This teacher was you"
suggestion:
It would be easy for the readers to read if there is a line gap between each stanza, I mean before the line , " I once met.."
It was a great poem, if you show this to your teacher she'll be way more proud of her good student, And that student is you. Lol. I tried using this line,
"She was never on a leave.
This teacher was you
Ma'am"
Am a fan for this poem, keep up the awesome writing.
Thank you!!