Together? No.

by Flower~Child

Published January 12, 2011

In Poetry

Before I begin I know this probably wont' be good because it is indeed just my emotions splayed on a page. I thought I would get it out there though.

Rushing streams
wake my subconscious
from it's colorful paintings.

Memories of why
I'm awake again
control my movements.

New messages?
Yes...
a flooded mind leads to tears.

Together?
Or not?
Not.

Eyes stare
eyes read
mind closes.

Does it click?
No.
Minds change, appology accepted.

Next night,
together?
No.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
posum
Comment
posum commented Comment · Jan 14, 2011

I thought that this was very confusing and although it was nice it needs a lot of work. I am interested to see what you will do next time but this just wasn't it.

User avatar
Razcoon
Review
Razcoon wrote a review Review · Jan 12, 2011

Flower~Child wrote:Rushing streams
wake my subconscious
from it's colorful paintings.
This stanza doesn't really make sense to me.

Memories of why
I'm awake again
control my movements.

I'd suggest adding another stanza here, describing said movements, grabbing your phone, etc. Maybe your phone has a ringtone like rushing water, which would explain the last stanza.

New messages?
Yes... I would suggest making those a single period.
a flooded mind leads to tears. If you decide to take out the ellipse, you should capitalize this. Otherwise, you're fine.

Together?
Or
not? I think this would make more sense as a single sentence, like "Together, or not?".
Not.

Eyes stare
eyes read
mind closes.
Add punctuation here. If this wasn't a stanza in a poem, you'd be trying to get away with "Eyes stare eyes read mind closes." as a sentence. Make each its own sentence, or add commas. Your choice.

Does it click?
No.
Minds change, appology accepted. apology

Next night, -
together?
No.


It actually surprises me that you haven't yet written a poem regarding this. Did you dump that guy for good yet? I seriously think you should if you haven't already. If he's not sure whether or not he wants you, you're not that important to him. If you're not that important to him, he's an idiot. Date a smarter guy, Flow. ;)

User avatar
ehte92
Comment
ehte92 commented Comment · Jan 12, 2011

Now i get it... The couples would be having some drastically changing relationship statuses on Facebook... XD :D

User avatar
Flower~Child
Comment
Flower~Child commented Comment · Jan 12, 2011

What is happening in this poem is:
The girl is dating this guy and her dreams are flooded with the memories of what he does every night, which is to break up with her. Then they make up the next day but the next night they break up again.

User avatar
ehte92
Review
ehte92 wrote a review Review · Jan 12, 2011

It was a good piece but i could not much get what was going on there....
Can you please elaborate??
Good use of words and nice imagery....
Keep up the good work... :)

Random avatar
randomer
Review
randomer wrote a review Review · Jan 12, 2011

i liked it! it had powerful emotions and nice imagery and makes the reader use their imagination and really gets them thinking

Rushing streams
wake my subconscious
from it's colorful paintings.

^that was my favourite part
but i think apology only has one p
good work :)



Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle