The pieces fit together,
better than a rhymes.
They mix perfectly
like a lyric with it's song.
Yet no rhyme can hold it's rhythm,
nor a lyric hold it's tune.
This is the puzzle
the puzzle of my life.
My pieces were in order
like ducks in a row.
Neat and perfected
where no dust would dare show.
My puzzle was yet to be finished,
but the proximity was close.
All that was left to do
was to fill in the holes.
The holes were many
like the haystack that contains the needle.
They were filled with color
like blue's and greens and yellow's.
I stared at the puzzle
as I decided which part goes where.
Then I realized,
all the pieces aren't there!
I tried not to fret
about one little piece.
But what was I supposed to do
about the missing thing?
I tried to fill the hole
with many different things.
Some of them would work
but only temporarily.
Nothing could ever fill
the gap that was created.
Frustration covered
my tired agonized face.
Why won't this work?
Can't something fill it?
Then I realized,
you created the missing piece.
The giant gap
that left me empty.
You took the piece
that completes my puzzle.
You messed up the puzzle
I strove so hard to keep in order.
I gave you the piece
when I gave you my heart.
Then you took it,
and ran off.
You broke the piece
missused and mistreated it.
Now it's broken,
and I can't fix it.
Only you can fix
and bring back what was owed.
Because you are the one
that I truly love.
And if it's not returned
I will never be whole.
But I will live on
just with a hole.
I wish you could see
this great misery.
But you can't see
the invisible piece.
Ok so I wrote this on a whim and I know it doesn't flow well. It is indeed a love poem as I said. I have realized that this is true in my life right now.
FEEDBACK would be nice. Thank you
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i got three words for you. i love it! because you are talking about the lost of a love can, and some time rip you up in side. the fact that you wrote like this and you didnt get to mushy even not sounding like your in love at all. it was prefect, it was bad of to prefect. no it was that middle of harmony, peace, and duh of course love it's self. i loved and i think you did a very awsome job on this piece of writing. Xp XD
Hi!
I really enjoyed your poem, it was very good I just have one thing:
Ackkkkk! It was the first sentance and you messed it up!
Sorry, I got a little excited.
"better than a rhymes."
Other than that, I really liked it and I appreciate your way of writing, very creative.
Thank you for posting it and I hope so see more like thiis from you.
Hi Flower! I'm sorry I've gotten to this so late. I've been a tad bit busy with a few other things so I'm taking today to catch up on all the activity that I missed. With that said, this review is going to be a bit short but I'll cover the basics of everything that I need to say. ^^
This line actually stuck out to me since it seemed a bit more forced than the other lines.
Maybe you can perhaps reword this to make it somewhat smoother.
Fix it? I thought it sounded weird without the 'it' part at the end.
Okay, done with my two little lame nitpicks and on to the bigger picture. As others have already mentioned, there was some repetition with the emptiness part and you did overdo a few of the feelings in here but I think that's an easy fix. What I did like about the poem was the whole puzzle thing, I wasn't sure exactly where you were going with this but then you mentioned the heart and I figured it was a love poem. Now, usually love poems are quite cliche on their own so it's a bit difficult to make something feel new again but you did a pretty good job with this. I enjoyed reading it.
I'm sure you remember how terrible I am when it comes to reviewing poetry so yeah...
*thinks* I don't know what else to say about this, honestly. It's good and I really like the way you've put it together simply. I like how your poetry isn't very hard to decipher but still holds a pretty good stance on it's own while giving us something to think about. My last concern is actually just a personal one, I actually wish that this wasn't so sad - the whole living with a hole thing. I'm sure a heart can be filled again, not with the original part of it but with memories so you can live on and remember that love and that pain but not let it stop you from loving again. I felt like this was quite pessimistic - personally.
Anyway, all that aside, I liked it. Good job and sorry for the not so awesome review but hopefully I did at least something. :/ Keep it up and let me know if you have any questions or anything. ^.^
-Pink
I'm not the best at reading love poems, but lets see what I can do. I really liked the imagery and I really got the message of the poem because you described it so well. You had great spelling and grammar, and I think you have some great ideas.
Keep up the good work, Tyler.
I'm going to try for a general overview, since you have some bits I really like, and some that stand out like a sore thumb - at least to me. (and please forgive me if anything doesn't make sense - I wanted to get you something to go on, but I am battling a rather nasty sinus headache right now. So, if anything makes no sense at all, just ask!)
First, this reads very much like a whimsical poem, which can work, but only as long as you're aware of what you're doing. I love the puzzle metaphor, but there's a couple places I think you may have overdone it, or strayed too far from what I really liked, lines like "I stared at the puzzle
as I decided which part goes where.
Then I realized,
all the pieces aren't there!
I tried not to fret
about one little piece."
I just love those three stanzas. You create this image of order, but also of control. In this, I think, lies what you can really do with this poem. Yes, this is about love, but a love that your narrator wants to be able to order - the fun you can have with this lies in how you present the disorder, and how your narrator responds.
What I don't think works so well with this idea (and maybe you have more than one poem trying to get out, here!) is the "missing piece" that an elusive "someone" has to complete the puzzle. To me, that image does not fit with the lines I quoted above. As a side note - I hate the word "thing"!
Another thought, and this is how my mind works, so take this especially with a grain of salt - if you want to keep this all as one poem, I would suggest separating your images in to different parts of the poem - the first bit being "My pieces were in order/like ducks in a row" - mostly because I think that works as a much stronger intro than what you have - especially since you don't really follow through on the metaphors you introduce in the preceding stanzas, other than the puzzle image. From there, have the idea of someone other than the narrator as the solution to the missing pieces in the next part - it would fit better, I think. If you don't like that, then I would suggest either keeping that as a separate poem, or finding a way to incorporate that idea more within the first part of the poem - then it isn't so jarring to suddenly have another persona introduced.
"My puzzle was yet to be finished,
but the proximity was close."
You can probably do without this pair of lines - I think, at least, that the stanza following this one is much stronger, and presents the idea of the puzzle being unfinished much better on its own.
This is just some quick thoughts! I hope this was helpful! As always, if you have any questions, please PM me! I'll respond soon as I have a chance (and uh, this headache subsides a bit).
Bek
i have three words that can sum up how i feel about those piece 'i loved it'. i liked how you conveyed the narrator's emotions.
Hey Flower~Child!
Long time no see! It's fantastic to see that you've been writing all this time, and it's been a while but I can tell your work has progressed since last I was around! Yay! Anyway, I'm here to review the poem as requested.
You mean 'rhyme', right? Not in the plural?
When you mean that the lyric is in possession of the song, you need “its” rather than “it's”, which is a contraction of “it is”.
In poetry, as I'm sure you're aware, every word counts. When you repeat a word, you definitely need a purpose for using both of them, especially when they're so close together. Plath, for example, with her “the boot in the face, the brute, brute heart of a brute like you” highlights the 'oot' sound of boot and brute, which, when read out loud, creates a kicking feel to it. I wouldn't say omit one of these 'puzzles' outright, but do consider the repetition and your intention behind it.
Proximity means closeness in terms of location. I think you mean closeness in terms of time, so maybe a different word would work better.
None of these colors possess anything as far as I can see, so I think you should go with 'blues', 'greens', and 'yellows' instead.
Here, there's a repetition of 'things' which, to be honest, is a pretty bland word in this context. Switch one or both of these uses with something more vivid.
Like someone else said, 'temporarily' really does throw off the rhythm. Instead of just using a word that fits what you want to say, how about using a phrase or an image that fits?
This is effective. I like the parallel placement of 'whole' and 'hole', really drawing attention to the matter. To be honest, I think that the poem would work really well if you ended with these two stanzas.
So, overall comments– it's a nice love poem! I definitely understand the overall idea of having someone take a vital part away from you. However, I think that you could consolidate this quite a bit. Looking back, I don't think that the comparisons to music and lyrics fits well with talking about these puzzle pieces. Music and lyrics seem rather abstract compared to these concrete and tangible pieces. Perhaps if you reworded the imagery, it'd fit together better. Like talking about the notes and words on a page and how they work together, because 'lyric to its song' is just a little too lofty to work well with puzzle pieces.
I also think that there are quite a few lines or stanzas you could get rid of altogether, or combine into more effective pieces. I think that the two-line-per-stanza format is interesting, and you might even consider examining each one as if it were a couplet that could stand on its own compared to the rest of the poem for a challenge. Think of each section as such. Every word matters and needs to propel the reader onto the theme, or message, or point you wish to convey. For example, I don't feel like this stanza adds to the poem:
The reader understands the frustration when the narrator tries to fill this gap up, but to no avail. And it's just a very blatant example of telling rather than showing. What does a tired, agonized face look like, exactly? Go with some details instead of this generality.
I love the poem, I do
I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions or anything, please let me know! Sometimes I'm rather birdbrained and can't pull myself together properly. Sorry I didn't finish this earlier! I've realized that I only have time to review during the weekend. Anyway, thanks for sharing and letting me review it!
Best of luck,
octo
Hey, FC! Although this is sad, I must say I enjoyed it. Your style of poetry here seems to be freelance-ish, but in truth there are a few places that rhyme like:
I found, though, that you were rather redundant over that one point, "I have an emptiness, and you're the missing part,". Try to cut down on that a little.
Hope you feel better!
Jenth
this was a truly wonderful poem...and why I loved it more than much....was because something like this happened to me very recently....im not gonna tell that boring story...but your poem reached to my Soul......Hope you will write more of this kind....Keep it Up!!
I normally don't read love poems but I really liked this one. I love your two-line-per-stanza format and it reads very well. I would have to agree with TB317, though. Perhaps try to find a different way to word that line.
Very well done, though!
I enjoyed this a lot. the only part i found kind of lacking was the use of "temporarily" while it made sense, it did not flow. it through off rhythm and rhyme. I would advise rephrasing that part. Overall pretty good job!