Ok so I got really bored in English and well this is what happened.
The monster shrieks inside my head
it wasnts to escape and be free,
but I won't let it.
It haunts my every waking moment,
and turns my colorful dreams into nightmares
killing my sanity while taking my sleep.
My thoughts are no longer in my control
I never thought about things like that,
but I won't let the demons win.
There are more voices now, telling me what to do
they tell me I'm not insane
just that people don't deserve life.
I can feel the pressure in my head,
but it no longer want's out
it just wants to take over
It tells me to release some of it,
and I listen to it
I let it ooze out of my skin.
It ozzes from my clotted blood
runs down my arm, till it reaches my fingertips,
and then I can see it.
I can see the monster that I released
the demon in disguise
that I forgot existed, until now.
It haunts me everywhere now
I can't even open doors without screaming,
I never stop crying, because I am so paranoid.
The voices talk more now
they never shut up,
but I know how to make them stop.
I laugh wickedly as I see the face of my demon,
it stares in shock as I pull out a gun
this will shut you up I say.
It screams no,
...
..
.
To Late
Why won't it leave?
It wasn't that lonely, just having one voice
in my head, talking to me.
Now I will never be alone, the voice will always haunt me,
unless,
unless I use the evil blade.
The blade is the only thing that can cure me now,
cure me from the monster,
cure me from life.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hey Flower, here as requested!
I find you've lost something in the edited version. Your original version had a lot more meaning to me, as somebody who has felt this way, than this version. This version feels very disjointed, the beginning middle and end not really relating (the gun mention just threw me off completely).
I think what happened was you were trying to capture too much, and too many characters, in a small space. There's just so much stuffed into this poem (releasing the monster, killing the demons, the blade being a release) that I didn't know where to look or focus on. You have the monsters at the focus at the beginning, then the voices telling you how to escape in the middle, and the end being about the monsters wanting you to keep releasing them. It's really chopped up.
I think what you should focus on is one aspect of the poem and really work on making it original. Try to not tell the story behind cutting as you did with the first version and this version a bit. Focus on weaving in metaphor and making the poem more about a certain feeling, not just the story. By putting in more imagery behind the ideas and making those monsters become alive, and us wanting them gone just as much as you do, then the poem will probably become more original.
I'd also spend more time explaining why the monster stays. Some people would be able to fill that feeling in, but others won't be able to. You'd basically need to dissect the craving to cut, so we'd understand.
Hope this helps!
~Rosey
Here as requested, Flower!
But, unfortunately, right now this sounds like a dime-a-dozen angsty cutting poem.
So, I didn't like this anywhere near as much as the other poem I critiqued of yours. The idea here has been done a million times to sound emo, and although perhaps you weren't as eye-roll-inducing as some, it's still really cliched. The other two reviewers are right about it being repetitive. The first three stanzas say the same thing. The next three stanzas say the same thing. The middle part about cutting is kind of unoriginal and angsty-sounding.
As for the end, it gets a little bit confusing if you stop to think about it. You say that the monster-voice wants you to cut yourself, and you do because you think it'll make him it go away. It does leave, leaving you empty and alone, and you let it escape your mind...but it's not gone. Huh? It's here in the essence of your being-- what does that mean? And then you decide that, even though using the blade allowed the voice into the essence of your being, using it AGAIN will get it to leave you alone.
Soooo.
You need to look at this, figure out what you're trying to say, and say it. Right now you're repeating ideas disguised as something new, and then confusing your narrator's emotions and how this monster can be disposed of. There's not much imagery here-- none of the descriptions make me envision something new. Try using similes, metaphors, personification, interesting words, etc.
The important thing isn't shortening it-- the important thing is to compact wayward phrases into something more memorable and thought-provoking. I believe in you and your ability to edit this!
Don't take this the wrong way, though, dear. Anything that sounds harsh is said for your benefit and the benefit of your writing. PM me for anything else, and I hope you can use this to revise.
~Evi
Yes, but do not sacrifice what you already have to shorten. I like the message in this poem.
Thank you for the reviews, I will work on shortening it.
Cutting is a serious issue, so kudos to you for being willing to cover some sensitive material. However, when dealing with these kinds of issues in this way, you have to do two things.
1. You have to be honest.
2. You have to be original.
If you don't do the former, no one will care what you have to say. If you don't do the latter, you run the risk of being blown off as just another emo teenager.
So my advice to you is to shorten your poem, because it's quite long. You're also very repetitive. Instead of saying the same thing over and over, barely changing how you say it, trying to get your point across, say it once, maybe twice, but make it stick. Good luck!
I like the layout, but it needs revisions in some areas. Some of the stuff at the beginning is repetitive, and the wording is a bit off. But the overall structure is good.The message is dark, but I like it. We all have that demon inside of us.