Shaking,
thoughts racing
teeth clenched
voices raising.
(anger)
Screaming louder
insults splatter
hurt rings louder,
as tears dabble.
(down my cheek)
Voices lower
footsteps glower (worse than an angry face)
stomach drops
thoughts smolder.
I was right
you were wrong
this is the end
I'm gone.
Fight ends
regrets are sown
back to life
just like before.
(But is it gone?)
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Canary word: Present
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
I really like this poem. I like alot of your poems that you do.
Wow. This is the reason I follow you. (besides many other facts) you are amazing! Maybe some more meaningful words though...
Bravo! This poem gave me goose bumps. I absolutely loved it and can't wait to read more of your work!
I love it, and I told you that you were good, this helps prove it.
Really nice poem! I could imagine it all in my head, and relate to it. I love lots of the descriptions in it! I only saw a few issues, but over all there wasn't much to review on.
Hope I helped!
So it's been a while since I have reviewed, and I hope I am not too rusty.
First thing that jumps to mind is the lack of punctuation, commas are your friend, and in this situation I think that they are probably needed at the end of every line. But that's just my personal opinion
As for the content, at this point it is redundant. You're first describing anger, most people think of someone with their teeth clenched when they think of an angry person, the "(anger)" feels repetitive. Because the images are something somewhat average (it's what we all picture when we're thinking of the emotion anger) then they don't have the punch that I think you're looking for here.
Close your eyes, and think of an angry person's face. Not just their clenched teeth and higher voice, but go deeper. These are all things that have been used before, many times. I want you to try to come up with something new to keep the reader interested.
Here again the imagery is something that I have heard before, and the part in parenthesis adds little to the actual stanza. Before, the parenthesis felt like an after thought, something there to add a bit of drama, but here it is simply a continuation of a though already in progress. It counteracts the first stanza that you have, because you aren't using the parenthesis in the same way. In doing so it creates a totally different effect, which makes it sort of feel like two stanzas from a totally different poem to me.
Here again I feel like the parenthesis are adding little, possibly even subtracting, from your content. The images have become even more choppy, and it's almost difficult to tell what is happening. It's difficult to tell at this point who the narrator is, because you jump back and forth so many times.
The suddenness of the change of attitude throws me off here. Suddenly you have a direct narrator, and they're talking about someone else. Again I feel like I am reading from a different poem. There is no cohesion in your stanzas, and they need to flow together more. I think that you could take this idea and do something really wonderful with it, but because of the choppy feel and the lack of flow right now it is difficult to tell what is going on. My suggestion would be to try to smooth out the stanzas and create complete and whole thoughts. If you were going for a choppy feel, then you got that covered, but almost to a fault. You can do fragmented thoughts in a way that flows together well, and I think once you master that you're going to do wonders
Hope this helps,
OverEasy.
First of all, I think that this flows really well. The words could mean anything and although I don't know whether you intended for it to be that way or not but it works really well. People can apply it to different situations, which makes it a very well-rounded poem. Very well done.
However, although I understand the brackets, I don't think you need them. I read the poem with and without the brackets and they both flowed exactly the same. If anything, without the brackets, the writing is clearer and more pronounced - just something to think about.
Overall, this is a very well written piece and you should be proud
I've decided since my poems get little to no feedback, I'm going to comment on every poem with no comments. I can't see why you don't have any yet. This is a very good poem. I love the rhythm and it flows well.
Keep writing!