Time just tickin away to my everlasting pain.
My scars never seen tho numerous like the rain.
I cry all day and night, but my cries are never heard, and my tears are never seen.
The days don't go by when i think about you, and it hurts me to think I loved you.
The things you made me do how could I miss you?
I sit and wait for the day that you come back and say, I'm sorry I love you
(sorry about my punctuation.....it's really bad.)
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But see there was nobody I was thinking about when I made the poem. So that makes it even more hard. Hahah and I am from the south so ya, I really need to take more grammar, but I will do better next time.
Hey Flower Child! June here!
- tickin should be ticking here, dear. I understand that sometimes the G is eliminated for effect; if you wanted to acheive this, I would suggest putting an apostrophe on the end of that word, dear.
I would suggest adding supporting words here such as "My scars are never seen, though they're numerous, like the rain."
It kind of sounds like thinking about this person makes the time stop? I think you should change this for something such as: "Not a day goes by that I don't think of you..." and so on, so forth.
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So, I think you have an okay place to start.
The topic/theme of broken hearts, lost love, tears and stuff is very common. It takes much skill to pull them off in a new way. To do that, you'll need lots of supporting ideas to center your work around, dear.
For now, we cannot relate to how you're feeling much, dear. We've all had some sort of heartache before, and without much substance-- much feeling to touch on while reading this-- it's hard for us to connect.
With a bit of work, I'm absolutely sure you can turn this into something wonderful.
Juniper
I do need work, I made that a long time ago haha. I dunno really though I will try better next time.
This piece seemed... a bit akward, though i am not sure those are the right words. It needed more. I felt as though you were building up to the tension but the tension never came. Also you made a few mistakes.
Ex: My scars never seen tho numerous like the rain.
I'm not sure what you mean here. I think you might want to say this.
Ex: My scars never seen though numerous like the rain
Overall it is a good piece with just a few things i think you should change.
Emerald