It's school time again,
and every second
I want to see you.
------------------
Your black hair,
and ebony eyes
draw me in
------------------
Just the thought of you
makes my heart flutter
------------------
The thought of your
perfectly crooked smile,
your pallid skin
that wraps around your boyish muscles.
------------------
But no,
I shouldn't like you
I shouldn't like the way
your hand gently carasses my skin,
or the way your laugh
bounces off the walls of my heart,
and leaves satisfaction within.
-------------------
But even thinking like this
should be considered wrong,
because we are so different.
-------------------
-------------------
While I sit in church,
you sit at home
with a joint
in your hand.
-------------------
But should it matter?
Shouldn't I love you anyway?
Shouldn't I?
-------------------
Does it even matter,
that the second you walk into a room
it illuminates my life?
Does it matter,
that the smell of weed
on your shirt
makes me happy,
draws me in,
to the life you have?
-------------------
Does it matter,
that every day I am ready to give up
all I have for you?
-------------------
No, it doesn't matter,
because it doesn't change a thing
I still love you,
and we still can't be
because of this thing
inside my heart.
-------------------
But can it kick you out?
Can there not be two loves?
One of God,
and one of the dark haired boy?
It hurts to think about it
because I know I'll lose you,
and I know it will hurt
when the love leaves me.
When you don't understand.
-------------------
So why am I letting this go on?
Why won't I leave now?
The answer is
because the bond is already
to strong,
to strong to beak.
-------------------
So what do I do?
Do I have an answer
to this question?
Yes, yes I do
the answer is,
"I do not know."
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Here as requested, Flower.
This stanza contradicts itself. You say that it doesn't matter how different you are, but then you say that you can't be together because of what's in your heart...so it does matter. Clarify.
"To" needs to be "too".
Meh. >_> This stanza basically says, "So what do I do? Oh, I know! I don't know." Surely you can end with a bigger bang than this. And, in general, "I Don't Know" isn't the best title. It's vague and uninteresting. "It Doesn't Matter" might fit a little better, but even that isn't grabbing me and pulling me in, so you'll have to be thinking of a better title.
The problem is your language. This really just isn't poetic. I suggest you read this article on emotional poetry. Your piece here obviously has something to say, but the meaning is getting clogged down by unimaginative word choices and a complete lack of imagery.
Most of the ideas here have potential, but they're just not interesting enough. They paint no picture. Use your poetic license and turn cliched phrases like, "light up my life" into something that's less general, more engaging, and that turns words into images in our heads, things that we can imagine and that appeal to our five sense. What does his caress feel like to you, remind you of? How are you different? Use similes, metaphors, alliteration, inner rhyme. Don't worry so much about capitalization and punctuation. You can improve it by making it personal, specific, and unique; that means spicing up your word choice!
~Evi
Good. I like your poem alot more now. Great job with the descriptions. I would suggest, in stanza two, to change it a little. You have black in it twice and it sounds wierd. You could say:
Your black hair
and dark, ebony eyes,
draw me in.
It would sound good. (Ebony means black, dark)
Still, I like it alot more now.
What is with you and posting incredibly long poems!?
This really discourages my reading of it.
I like it! I will admit it is not my favorite poem ever. Heres why. All you do in the poem is tell us the relationship, tell us the girls thoughts, tell us what she feels. You need to show more. The second stanza is a great example.
Oh, oh, oh! Maybe you could do one stanza of her thoughts then one on looks and how it feels for the girl to lock eyes with the boy. I think that (or something like that) would really add some cool emphasis to the poem.
PS- Thanks for PM'ing me. I looooooooove getting PM's. Even though I don't get them often. I am a fanatic about them!
I really like this, the difference between a christian girl and a drug addict boy. Poem a la AWESOME!
That part is one of the parts in the poem that throw off the rythm for me. I don't really understand it either...
I love that part. I dunno why, I just do
Great idea, it tugs the heartstrings a little
Kudos.
Biffle
I don't really like this one, I'm sorry. It has no detail to it and it did not give me that feeling that things like these are supposed to give you... I am sure you are a very fluent, talented and inspired writer but you need to write for your readers not yourself.
Keep writing!
PM me if you need anything...
~Smexx